Am I being selfish?

sassyblue

suki1001 wrote: »

Well, there is an element of control - but we've worked things out before. This is the first time in years, where I've thought this is a big problem. I've run around for him and he had mellowed and seemed a bit happier. No, he was just happy you were running around after him not wanting anything yourself.

this is a big thing, because in terms of how other people fit around me, it's a bit of an ask. I know it would be putting on him a bit, How? It's only what YOU do! I just wish he'd be happy for me instead of reacting this way.

How many years have you been together? And you've done the lions share of everything in all those years? 4 weeks isn't alot to ask.....

Tish_P

PS: Is it all a huge intellectual inferiority complex thing? Does he worry that you'll get "qualified" and start to feel he's not good enough for you?

His comments about "swanning around feeling important" and his trying to diminish the intellectual value of the course by comparing it to "cat manicures" seem to point in that direction.

edit: I know! Tell him you've thought his comments over, and after some thought you now agree this course is worthless. So instead you've decided to sign up for a four year degree in nuclear engineering in another city.

Amanda65

suki1001 wrote: »

It doesn't help that I come from a family where going to university was sort of expected. I totally flunked school, messed up my a-levels, partly because I just didn't have a clue what I wanted to do. Now I've found something I'm passionate about and feel quite flattered that I've been asked to go on this course.

Is it worth giving my marriage up for? I just hate feeling like I've got to choose. then I ask myself how much does my husband love me anyway? Right now I don't love his reactions towards me and we are obviously at 2 completely different tangents. The fact is we can't look at overcoming any obstacles the course might create - it's just a no - that's what probably hurts the most, because I don't know the real reason he's saying no. The one's he's giving don't make sense. Particularly as he's refusing any help.

I'm stumped. I feel like he's cutting his nose off despite his face.

I feel so sad for you that you have been put in this situation. Realistically if you do go, how likely is your OH actually likely to carry out his threat? If he thinks 4 weeks of weekdays away will put an unbearable financial strain on the family how does he think you will cope running two households? If he cannot cope with the children for 4 weeks he obviously won't be going for custody so what do you think your children would think when he says 'Daddy is leaving Mummy because she wanted to go on a course for 4 weeks to better her job prospects for all our futures and I made her choose me or the course'.

I think you should set up childcare arrangements for the children (your mum, friends etc for after school as much as you can), let him know what work you will still be able to do while away so that the business is not too affected - and pack your notebook and go. You only ever really regret the things you don't do.

POPPYOSCAR

OP sorry to say this but if my husband was threatening to divorce me if I went away like this for 4 weeks it would send alarm bells ringing about our relationship.

And no, you are not being selfish.

suki1001

I know, I know - he's being ridiculous, but I don't want to take any outcome lightly.

I have managed to talk to him and it's going to have to be a work in progress. The course isn't until January anyway.

What I'm going to do is speak to the editor when she gets back off holiday and find out exactly what I can gain from the course. Financially as well as all the latest legislation, experience I'll gain. Will I get more hours etc There's no point in arguing until I know a bit more. He's agreed he will listen to this. It's such a shame as I really feel like she's taken me under her wing.

The crazy thing is I remember him telling me about his dad when he was younger (a long time ago). He said "when I'm older I'll earn £10,000 a year". His dad said "£10,000 - you're living in cloud cuckoo land." Why would any parent do that to a child? He was really hurt at this - yet I feel he's doing the same thing to me.

suki1001

Tish_P wrote: »

PS: Is it all a huge intellectual inferiority complex thing? Does he worry that you'll get "qualified" and start to feel he's not good enough for you?

His comments about "swanning around feeling important" and his trying to diminish the intellectual value of the course by comparing it to "cat manicures" seem to point in that direction.

edit: I know! Tell him you've thought his comments over, and after some thought you now agree this course is worthless. So instead you've decided to sign up for a four year degree in nuclear engineering in another city.

One problem is he has no respect for any qualifications. The problem is he's very clever - okay his irrational behaviour is very childish, but he's set out on his own and made some money on the way and acheived loads (although he won't be happy until he's a millionaire). There doesn't seem to any course on earth that you can't learn in a book - although I'm certain he wouldn't be happy if he thought his dr had taken this route.

I'm not just fighting against someone who thinks I shouldn't better myself, I'm fighting against someone who has seen a lot of people gain degrees and done nothing with them, they might all be for "cat manicures" in his eyes. I guess if i had some proof that it would be a benefit that might help.

Then there is the control thing - that's difficult to pinpoint when you're in the actual relationship. I have made allowances as the running around person. i.e I do most of the household stuff, so he can get on and work. He'll do jobs I ask, but I have to ask for him to do most things because he's "always working" - I'm happy to do that as long as I'm not stopped from doing what I want to do. I get paid most of the money out of the business so I'm not financially controlled. This course situation is the thing that has pinpointed a problem.

Hermia

suki1001 wrote: »

I'm not just fighting against someone who thinks I shouldn't better myself, I'm fighting against someone who has seen a lot of people gain degrees and done nothing with them, they might all be for "cat manicures" in his eyes. I guess if i had some proof that it would be a benefit that might help.

But, even if it doesn't lead to a tangible benefit that still doesn't mean it's not important as long as it's important to you. I have done courses that haven't led to qualifications or more money, but have still been beneficial because I have gained confidence or discovered a new talent. AFAIK if something makes someone happier then it is worth it. I just think in a marriage you should support each other's dreams and self-improvement. I would be so proud if a partner was considered good enough to send on a funded course.

VestanPance

suki1001 wrote: »

The crazy thing is I remember him telling me about his dad when he was younger (a long time ago). He said "when I'm older I'll earn £10,000 a year". His dad said "£10,000 - you're living in cloud cuckoo land." Why would any parent do that to a child? He was really hurt at this - yet I feel he's doing the same thing to me.

Some parents are just like that. My mum had a very "can't be done", "you'll just fail" attitude towards most things I did when growing up. That never bothered me, but I do remember my ex being shocked at some of it. I think for me it was just a "that's my mum" for you. I've always been self motivated and never put off or driven to do things by having or not having support around me.

Mupette

suki1001 wrote: »

One problem is he has no respect for any qualifications. The problem is he's very clever - okay his irrational behaviour is very childish, but he's set out on his own and made some money on the way and acheived loads (although he won't be happy until he's a millionaire). There doesn't seem to any course on earth that you can't learn in a book - although I'm certain he wouldn't be happy if he thought his dr had taken this route.

I'm not just fighting against someone who thinks I shouldn't better myself, I'm fighting against someone who has seen a lot of people gain degrees and done nothing with them, they might all be for "cat manicures" in his eyes. I guess if i had some proof that it would be a benefit that might help.

Then there is the control thing - that's difficult to pinpoint when you're in the actual relationship. I have made allowances as the running around person. i.e I do most of the household stuff, so he can get on and work. He'll do jobs I ask, but I have to ask for him to do most things because he's "always working" - I'm happy to do that as long as I'm not stopped from doing what I want to do. I get paid most of the money out of the business so I'm not financially controlled. This course situation is the thing that has pinpointed a problem.

does he socialise, have friends around?

I ask as one of my closest friends is married to a very clever man, has his own buisness, doesnt have any friends, doesn't bother with family, tried to stop my friend from seeing her family and friends, ((domestic abuse))

i was at thier house last year and he couldnt have a conversation with me, forgotten how to communicate with the outside world, intrevert is it?

anyhoo what started off as small little mumblings became threats, he would walk up to my friend and say to her, there are so many ways i could kill you, :eek:

he scares the life out of me, told her time and time again that i am here for her, she will leave him, timing is one thing, a son at school and they are waiting for his to hit 11 so that she can move, husband realises marriage is over (has been for about 7 years) living sepharate lives in the same house for 7 years, she will love in 2 years he said ok, but he wants to buy a place near her to see their son.



RUN

jumpedtheshark

OP, you are definitely not selfish. My OH goes away for 7-10 days every 6 weeks or so. He worries about leaving me to cope with the household on my own, but I always encourage him to go because what's good for him, is good for us. He travels much more than his (female) colleague in the same job and is more successful as a result; his colleague's partner has let it be known that he doesn't like the travel, and it shows in his the decisions his colleague makes.

I do get sad and lonely, but that's not the point. Marriage is a joint venture, and what's good for one is good for both as long as the balance of commitments and obligations is right over the longer term, and both parties respect and value what the other contributes.

Good luck with your dilemma, OP. I hope your OH sees sense.