Am I being selfish?

Any

After the "if you go I will leave you" "swanning around feeling important" and "what you do is worthless" (which is what he is ultimately saying) I would be packing HIS bags immediately!!

Tish_P

suki1001 wrote: »

One problem is he has no respect for any qualifications. The problem is he's very clever - okay his irrational behaviour is very childish, but he's set out on his own and made some money on the way and acheived loads (although he won't be happy until he's a millionaire). There doesn't seem to any course on earth that you can't learn in a book - although I'm certain he wouldn't be happy if he thought his dr had taken this route.

Still sounds like an inferiority complex to me, albeit a well disguised one. Harumphing about other people's "useless" qualifications just screams insecurity. Even if, as you say, he's got nothing to be insecure about.

I agree with Spirit who pointed out that he needs to get over this daft resentment now, because your kids might want a formal education in a few years' time - and at a considerably greater expense and time investment! If he hits the roof over a free 4 week course with immediate career advantages to you, how will he react if his son or daughter decides to study medieval history? It'd be like some weird joke. "You dare go to Oxbridge, my lad, and I'll disown you!"

Best of luck in this difficult situation - hope he comes to his senses.

Fire_Fox

You wouldn't be giving up your marriage, HE is the one issuing ultimatums and HE would be the one leaving. I don't see why you have to justify this in terms of finances or career, it's something you want to do that would give you satisfaction. He doesn't have a crystal ball any more than you do. If you are making plans for how to work around the family then clearly you don't meet the negative criteria for selfish, get him a dictionary!

Someone who loves you doesn't snatch your dreams away from you, they don't expect you to behave as Stepford wife/ generic mother/ housekeeper. Quite frankly I'd stop doing half so much for him, just concentrate on your son and let him have a glimpse of life without you. Could he have Aspergers syndrome?

belfastgirl23

Regardless of anything else this is something you WANT to do. Honestly I don't think it's worth wasting time trying to justify it - he won't accept the justifications anyway. I would just boil it down to 'this is something I really want to do'. And just stick with that. Who knows what the outcomes might be down the line or what the opportunities missed would be either if you don't get to do it?

To be honest I'd just be very calm about this and go with the broken record 'I really want to do this'. It is your husband's choice whether or not to divorce you for doing something you really want to do. He will call you selfish, I wouldn't even argue with this, he can call it whatever he wants, it's irrelevant. If you get into justifying it you've lost. Equally if you get into the whole 'but I do this for you' thing. Stay calm and make it clear that it's his choice how he reacts to this.

Finally, if he will divorce you for doing this then I would think it's not a marriage worth having. And I'd be inclined to say this to him. You are asking him to support you to do something that's really important to you. This is not unreasonable.

And long term will you really want to stay in a marriage where your husband refuses to allow you to do things that are really important to you?

picket_fence

I wish you could show him what everyone on here has said, but you very obviously can't. He sounds very insecure. You clearly deserve the investment they're willing to put in you. Why he wouldn't support that is beyond me. My OH's opinion on this is unprintable. As for saying that there's no financial benefit, well maybe there isn't immediately, but sometimes you do things for something other than financial gain. What's wrong with just wanting to better yourself and prove to yourself that you can do it?

marisco_2

suki1001 wrote: »

my oh is saying I'm being really selfish putting my needs first, that it won't achieve anything, I just want to swan off to London and feel important and that if I go on it he'll divorce me.

I don't want to split up with him, because other than this we didn't really have any problems. I can't understand why he won't support me.

Is this the first time you have ever put yourself first and wanted to go after a dream you hold? Is your husband not use to you wanting to do something for yourself and he and the kids not being the centre of your universe?

I am shocked, astounded and disgusted at your husbands reaction to you doing a 4 week course. Good grief what a controlling, nasty individual he sounds. He would seriously walk away from your marriage and all you share together, your childrens' stability and welfare all because he doesn't want you pursuing this opportunity? I think you do have problems in your relationship if he is willing to do this. Its not like you are swanning off leaving him in sole care of newborns with no kind of family support whatsoever is it.

If my partner treated me so badly and gave me an ultimatum such as you have had, he would be told in no uncertain terms what to do with a threat like that. It would also take all he had in him to win me back because I would have grave doubts about wanting to be involved with someone so selfish.

Bella73

Sorry to hear about your problems. I am interested in knowing if he can't cope for four weeks with child care etc just how is he going to cope as a single Dad once you are gone and its his time to have the children? Maybe you should ask this question because obviously if he did divorce you for in my humble opinion a pathetic reason then surely you would no longer help with the business, cook, clean, look after the children for him so I fail to see what he would gain in the long term apart from you being unhappy and his children being unhappy.

looby75

the more and more I read the more I think he's just spitting his dummy out.

Obviously it's up to you Suki but unless you have serious worries bout your childrens welfare (which it seems you don't as your mum will be there for them) I'd go on the course and deal with the fall out afterwards. I very much doubt he will divorce you. He'd have to find grounds to do it to start with, he couldn't use unreasonable behaviour because 4 weeks (20 days) to further your career wouldn't be considered.

He could move out but I think he realises he's on to a good thing and doesn't want that to change so I doubt he'd move out either.

Now what you want to consider doing because of all his threats is entirely up to you, but I do think the first thing you should do is to go on this course.

londonsurrey

He's certainly on to a good thing. Even a paid housekeeper will expect a minimum of four week's holiday a year. If he's going to treat her like a housekeeper, how many years' worth of accumulated holiday is Suki due?

daska

There is only one suitable response:

"I'll help you pack"