Am I being selfish?

suki1001

choccybuttons wrote: »

Go and do the course. How many people have opportunities like this paid for them. You deserve this and its only for a month. Nothing stopping Dhaka bringing the kids up on last weekend and having a bit of a family holiday too

That's exactly what I thought, but he just won't see it that way. He thinks it will be worth anything and pointless and has said when I get back from it if I go - he will leave me. He says he won't beable to do his work, that there will be no financial benefit from it and he doesn't think the funded opportunity is very fantastic. I feel so upset - it's like he thinks I am being the world's worst mother. I feel like I am being asked to choose between my career and my marriage for the sake of 4 weeks

I run around after him do most of the housework, the gardening and I'm not a natural housewife - I feel I'm not allowed to ask for more while he does his important geeky work.

Mupette

your husband sounds like a 3 year old.

if he wants to divorce you because you took 4 weeks daytime to do, tell him to go ahead, stop everything you do for him for a few days and if questioned tell him as you are divorcing you won't be doing anything for him anymore, just you and the children... see him change his tune

kelpie35

I think you should go for it, not many people get this sort of opportunity.

I think you should take up the offer of help from your family members.

If your husband is so against it I think you need to let him know how much this opportunity means to you, and as you have supported him all your married life, it is now time he supported you.

Please take this chance and I send you all my best wishes.

suki1001

cte1111 wrote: »

I'm shocked that your husband would threaten you with divorce over this. Would it do any good for your Mum to talk directly to your husband and explain that she is happy to help in whatever way necessary to enable you to do this? Maybe not, but could be worth a try.

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Sadly, he doesn't have a good relationship with my mother - they cope with each other It doesn't help that on my side everyone went to uni - even my great grandmother was one of the first to go to teacher training college and she was the main breadwinner.

His parents on the other hand have a very traditional husband wife relationship - which is why they very much see his point of view.

Just_a_Girl_2

Your husband sounds threatened by you doing something for yourself. Surely he wants you to be happy and to feel fulfilled? And though I don't agree that you are putting yourself first (a happy mum will have a positive effect on the whole family plus this could be the start of a whole new career for you!) is that so wrong once in a while, just for 4 weeks?

He is being very unreasonable and if the mere thought of you attending a course in London for a couple of weeks makes him threaten you with divorce, then I'd be sitting down and having a serious chat with him.

Wipe away your tears, be strong, tell him you *will* be attending, that you want his support and that it will benefit all of you in the long term.

suki1001

Just_a_Girl wrote: »

And though I don't agree that you are putting yourself first (a happy mum will have a positive effect on the whole family plus this could be the start of a whole new career for you!) is that so wrong once in a while, just for 4 weeks?

Well this is the problem, because even if the threat of divorce isn't warranted - is it actually selfish? I've always been around for my children and we've always worked the childcare around us. Is he right to be annoyed, even if he isn't expressing himself in a very grown up manner?

art_for_arts_sake

You say

suki1001 wrote: »

...we set up a company a few years ago. He does most of the stuff, but through it I've got into writing...

Perhaps he feels like you aren't/won't be supporting him in running the company so well if you have your own freelance career to pursue?

From my own POV my wife went away for "professional development" with her boss and another colleague with my approval, so I hope I don't sound too old-fashioned, but my chances of self-employment took a bashing when she returned to work full-time.

Marisco

suki1001 wrote: »

That's exactly what I thought, but he just won't see it that way. He thinks it will be worth anything and pointless and has said when I get back from it if I go - he will leave me. He says he won't beable to do his work, that there will be no financial benefit from it and he doesn't think the funded opportunity is very fantastic. I feel so upset - it's like he thinks I am being the world's worst mother. I feel like I am being asked to choose between my career and my marriage for the sake of 4 weeks

I run around after him do most of the housework, the gardening and I'm not a natural housewife - I feel I'm not allowed to ask for more while he does his important geeky work.

Go for it! I had an ex like this, and I passed up an opportunity in the early 80's, which I regret to this day. He refused to look after the kids for a fortnight whilst I went away for training, at the time I had no one else to leave them with. He left me for another woman 10 years down the line anyway!! So you do what you want to do and to hell with him!!

Loanranger

Suki, what's the hidden agenda here? He doesn't trust you, I think.
You should have this out with him that you understand he's concerned about the trust issue but that you took vows to be faithful and fully intend to keep them. This is the discussion you need to have with him.

londonsurrey

It's ridiculous that he would threaten divorce over something like this. I'd treat it as an eye opener, and have a serious think about as to the real person you've married, and what you want to do about that.

He sounds like a spoilt, overbearing, entitled, undermining bully.