13 yr old daughter dating a 17yr old

michelle2008

I agree - this needs to be handled sensitively, calmly and proportionately by the mother.

Hopefully it was a one off situation - and if the mother calms down and chats openly with the girl it is a good opportunity to explain boundaries etc.

I do hope someone has a chat with the boy. Hysterics set aside, he needs to understand that 13 is too young and he was wrong to take it this far. What if the next girl is a few months younger and he is a few months older? If I was his parent we would be having a serious talk.

Tropez

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

I can't help but think the increase in teenage pregnancies can be directly linked to the earlier delivery of sex education. If this 'improved' sex education is supposed to be teaching children how to keep safe/prevent pregnancy/prevent STDs etc. - it's not doing a very good job is it?

I can't help but think our backward, conservative attitude to sexuality in this country is responsible for the high rate of teenage pregnancy and prevalence of STDs.

We've had the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe since I was at school and back then sex education wasn't taught until kids were 12/13, a time when most are already in puberty and at an age where our biological functions have already told us how it is done. We weren't taught the moral/ethical side of sex until we were 14/15.

There are more liberal countries in Europe which have taught sex education from a younger age, with equal or lower ages of consent, and that also have much lower teenage pregnancy rates and prevalence of STDs. I'd suggest that it is their more open and honest attitude to the whole business that is responsible for keeping such rates down. In Britain, we have a wholly ridiculous system where sex is at the very least referred to countless times a day whether it be in magazines, on the radio or on television - how many pre-watershed soap opera plots involve sex? How many times is sex mentioned on the news? Heck, even Alan Titchmarsh had a long debate about sex on his rubbish little TV programme that goes out at about 5pm - which is prime time for children to be watching television.

And yet despite our lurid obsession with sex, when it actually comes to talking about it and educating it we're so overly conservative it is unbelievable. It is such a massive and important part of people's lives, far more important than some of the garbage you learn in science class such as making limestone out of gunpowder (I've never once needed to do that) and yet for decades we've held off educating children about it until after their basic biology will already taught them.

Here's a fact - children don't need to be told how to have sex. They will eventually just know. The survival of the species is dependent on this fact and like every other mammal out there our survival instinct teaches us exactly how to do it without any extra input. If you're going to wait until after biology has taken the lead then you're asking for trouble and that is exactly what we managed to get. Biology doesn't give a fig about our laws which is why humans are capable of engaging in sexual behaviour a long time beforehand and why they're capable of procreating from younger ages.

Women are at their most fertile in their teenage years, therefore, to me it is of the utmost importance to educate young people about sex, contraception and the ethics and morality of sex before they reach the age where biology flips us all the bird and lets them in on what we try and keep a secret because otherwise we're just asking for trouble.

lostinrates

Tropez, that is an excellent post.

But I think it's also worth pointing out, some countries where education and artitude towards sex is more open, and sexual consent age is younger sometimes have a MUCH more conservative social attitude to counter balance that. The 'shame' factor of doing something just because you legally can is like the canter lever of the attitude we any have here of 'even though it's not legal it's only natural'. So while it's a perhaps healthier attitude it's not all one way as the bare facts show.

Fwiw, I had sex education in uk, hmm, not too recently, , and the bare bones of it IMO were thorough at my schools, nothing physically surprised me, and the emotionality is something that we don't seem to get a grip of as adults either!

repeatoffender

Oh wow this thread seems to have taken a turn into a confessional for those who had sex at a young age and sneering at those who believe that it is inappropriate. So as a person who believes that a 13 year old is a child am I as naive as this 17 year old boy (nearly 18 year old) who has tried it on with this girl.

Yes some 13 year old girls are having relationships and sex - but to say that others are out of touch and should move with the times and accept this as the norm is irresponsible. While we should not deny that it happens and should not label every older boy that does it a sexual offender - we should not normalise it either by saying that kids grow up faster and look older and people should get with the times.

How many 13 year olds have the maturity to know the difference between real consent and being influenced by other variables. If a 17 year old made advances to a 13 year old it would concern me on a number of levels and if that makes me an old fashioned fuddy duddy who is not living in the real world then so be it.

I can't think of a situation where I could condone a 13 year old having an intimate relationship with a 17 year old even if that would ruin the rest of their life as some posters have suggested.

fedupnow

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

Yes, we have established that fact but we're still having a hypothetical debate. Is that ok?

Of course you can debate what you like. And I can keep on pointing out that they didn't have sex.

Is that okay?

The touching might not have happened. I don't know either child so how do I know if the girl is exaggerating to impress the step-sis and the boy is being honest?

The girl might have made the move on him.

The point is, I think the mother needs to have a word with her daughter as she can't chase every boy from the door. Girls are responsible for their behaviour every bit as much as boys.

Maybe it's a mother/father thing. When my girls were teens, had they come home pregnant, my husband would have wanted to lynch the guy. Me? I'd have asked her what the bleeding hell did she think she was doing. Because, in my experience, girls know exactly what they're doing (yes, even as young as 13.) I hate to break it to the lads, but they are not doing the choosing, the girls are allowing themselves to get chosen.

Love the way the 'confessions' amounts to people having under-age sex. People assume and judge way too much between the lines.

Erinnire

repeatoffender wrote: »

I can't think of a situation where I could condone a 13 year old having an intimate relationship with a 17 year old even if that would ruin the rest of their life as some posters have suggested.

I don't think anybody here has condoned the "relationship" at all.

A lot of people have basically said "don't try and ruin the young mans life and career over a quick fondle"

The 13 year old is as much responsible as the lad and she was a willing participant... and there seems to be a 50% chance she is lying anyway.

I have two daughters and whilst I would be devastated if they were having sex at 13 what could I do other than teach them how to be safe,self respect and awareness and that they could come to me with anything no matter how trivial or massive it was?

repeatoffender

fedupnow wrote: »

Love the way the 'confessions' amounts to people having under-age sex. People assume and judge way too much between the lines.

If you're referring to me I'm glad you love it as I did not read between the lines I was referring to actual comments from other posters.

Erinnire wrote: »

I don't think anybody here has condoned the "relationship" at all.

A lot of people have basically said "don't try and ruin the young mans life and career over a quick fondle"

The 13 year old is as much responsible as the lad and she was a willing participant... and there seems to be a 50% chance she is lying anyway.

I have two daughters and whilst I would be devastated if they were having sex at 13 what could I do other than teach them how to be safe,self respect and awareness and that they could come to me with anything no matter how trivial or massive it was?

No, sorry I was not referring to the original post as I completely agree with everything in your post. I was referring to the posters on here where people have said they either had or knew people who had sexual relationships with older boys at age 13/14.

Mojisola

Tropez wrote: »

There are more liberal countries in Europe which have taught sex education from a younger age, with equal or lower ages of consent, and that also have much lower teenage pregnancy rates and prevalence of STDs. I'd suggest that it is their more open and honest attitude to the whole business that is responsible for keeping such rates down.

Excellent post.

Just like to add that these other countries also put a lot of work into teaching about emotions and self-respect and self-confidence - all of which impinge on the age that intercourse is first experienced - rather than just the physical mechanics, birth control and disease prevention which seem to be the priority for the UK.

Nicki

repeatoffender wrote: »

If you're referring to me I'm glad you love it as I did not read between the lines I was referring to actual comments from other posters.



No, sorry I was not referring to the original post as I completely agree with everything in your post. I was referring to the posters on here where people have said they either had or knew people who had sexual relationships with older boys at age 13/14.

I can't think of anyone on this thread who said that they had a sexual relationship with a 17 year old when they were 13!

I was one of those who said I had 16 and 17 year old boyfriends when I was around 13, but I said (as did I think everyone else who had a similar story) that these were not sexual relationships. There was the same amount of kissing and handholding as there would have been with a 13 year old boyfriend, and the older boys were not pushier I don't think than a younger boy would have been. I was certainly never asked to have sex or put in a position where that seemed like it might happen. Fairly similar to the relationship the OP has described between her daughter and this boy in fact depending on what the "inappropriate touching" consisted of. Though given the degree of hysteria the OP has shown to the idea of any kind of relationship, my suspicion is that the touching was also at the lowest end of the scale of sexual act.

If it clarifies matters, I did not actually have a sexual relationship of any kind until I was at university, and then with someone the same age as me. Nor do I know anyone in real life who had sex with a 17 year old when they were 13 or 14 years of age or younger.

thehappybutterfly

So why is the teenage pregnancy rate situation so out of control? If we're supposedly educating and supporting teenagers, why is not improving?

Sex education at an early age? To me it's making kids too curious.
Giving them condoms to try and prevent pregnancy - great.
And if it fails? Give them the morning after pill.
Too late for the MAP? Offer them an abortion.
Too late for an abortion? Have the baby and we'll give you a flat and benefits to go with it.

and so the cycle continues.

I'm not saying that all teenagers end up in this situation but you can't argue that it happens. A lot.