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Long distance relationships- it's all faling apart

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Comments

  • Why did you break up the first time round, and were those issues properly dealt with before you got back together?

    After a year of being together I finished it as I wanted to go to horse shows with by friends and just seeing him weekends was getting in the way - ironically enough! I have told him that I know how he feels.

    We got back together a couple of months later when I realised I'd been an idiot, but it was never the same again. He ended up leaving me for a local girl - because it was easier!

    We spoke about this a lot when we decided to try again and decided that 11 years down the line we had both grown up and learned a lot about relationships etc. ....
    I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be
  • Out of interest how is he with your daughter?

    He's fantastic and they love each other to bits. Two peas in a pod - with the same mental age!!
    I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be
  • fluffnutter
    fluffnutter Posts: 23,179 Forumite
    This fella seems too emotionally immature to waste yet another relationship on.
    "Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell" - Edward Abbey.
  • JimmyTheWig
    JimmyTheWig Posts: 12,199 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    So we've got to 8 months and suddenly he can't cope with the distance. He said that he's been thinking about it a lot for 2 weeks and he hates that he can't see me every night.
    Sounds to me like you can't go on as you are.
    You either need to make the commitment to each other and one or both of you uproot and live together or you need to call it a day as it isn't working.
    He's said he doesn't want to move, so it's up to you and your daughter to move or to call it a day.
    He said that at the moment going out with his friends is more important to him than seeing me
    This tells you everything you need to know about what it will be like if you move there.
    Your choice. Is he worth it?


    Would it be possible to give it a trial run?
    Do you work, OP? Or have many other commitments?
    If not, maybe you could take your daughter out of school for the last week before the half-term break and the two of you go and "live" with the guy for two weeks?
    Obviously he might be on best-behaviour for two weeks and then it all fall apart if it became permanent, but at least it would give yuo an idea.
  • jetplane
    jetplane Posts: 1,615 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Last week he spent 5 days in Magaluf with his mates and - exactly like my 6yo DD would do - seems to be having a tantrum now he's back. I get the whole anticlimax thing and having to go back to work depression. But he actually said last night that when I go down tomorrow we need to have a discussion about whether we carry on or not. I feel completely gutted as I didn't see this coming, only that I know he hates the train journey (3 hours) and (again like my 6 yo) hates missing out on lads nights out when he's spending the weekend with me. (He has admitted he needs to grow up).

    The first weekend we spent together when we got back together we laid all our cards on the table. He said he could never see himself moving to where I live but I said it was OK because I would move to him. The relationship that ended 12 months ago with someone else did so because he wanted to move away (overseas) and I wouldn't go with him. But as soon as this new relationship started I knew it was completely different. The previous relationship forced me to think about things I never had before, like what was actually keeping where I am. I love London, especially where he is from, and so does my DD. She comes down with me once a month seems like she'd be happy to live there. The theory was that I would travel back home every 3 weeks so DD could see her Dad and Granddad.

    Then we had a massive argument the wekend before last, followed by him having a great holiday with his mates, and we haven't spent as much time on Facetime for the past 2 weeks as we've both been busy. I said at the start of the conversation that I felt we weren't as close because of the past 2 weeks. We would usually text or email during the day and Facetime for about an hour at night, but for at least a week it was 5 mins here and there.

    He wants to have fun at the weekend and is hoping that all the negative feelings he's has for a couple of weeks go away once we're together. He siad he loves me and wants us to be together but hates the LDR because a. he doesn't see me enough and b. he misses out on lads nights out when I'm down. He said that at the moment going out with his friends is more important to him than seeing me, that he knows this is wrong, but he has felt this way in every relationship he has been in at some point. He admits that he is at an age where he shouldn't be thinking like this, and that he needs to change.

    In 3 weeks there is a big birthday outing including football that he wants to go on. He definitely wants to go and would sulk big time if he didn't. So I say 'that's fine, you go', and he responds that that will mean he won't see me for 2 weeks and he doesn't want that. I feel like we can't win.

    My philosophy from the start is that one day - when we are ready - I will move to London and we will be a proper couple. I cope with the LDR and weekends only because I can see the big picture and know what we're aiming for. All he can think is that the LDR isn't working for him right now and we are not ready for me to move yet, so instead of trying to find a solution he has considered ending it instead.

    So I go down tomorrow and I have to pretend that everything is great so that we have a good weekend together and he wants to stay with me. It doesn't seem fair. And how do we ever get to the bit where I move there when he drops bombs like that. Right now I am really resenting him but can't bear the thought of losing him. He has always been one for saying what he's thinking, often without considering the consequences. But once you've said something you cant erase it from someone's memory. If we have a great weekend and carry on, am I just gong to be waiting for the next time? Or is this just a reaction to a strange 2 weeks.

    I can;t think straight and I have no idea how to be with him. Please be gentle, I'm feeling very fragile today :(

    I'm not surprised your feeling fragile, but you are making all the decisions and compromise and he is acting like a child and taking no responsibility. He does not need your permission to go out, however by saying he wants to go out but will miss you he is waiting for you to say no problem I will miss you too but you go out and have fun and then he is off the hook.

    How clear can he be saying that spending time with his friends is more important. Honey I don't like sitting on a train for 3 hours but its hardly excessive, if I hadn't seen my husband for a week or two I would travel a lot further and we have been together well over 20 years. When I was young I had a long distance relationship from Durham to Oxford it took a lot longer than 3 hours and we were excited from the minute we left home. I'm sure your daughter doesn't relish a 3 hour train journey either.

    Don't put up with second best, if you resent him now it will get worse. OK so his mates go home to their other half and he wants that too, but not at your expense lady, be strong. Try telling him you will come down when he feels more ready, would he then come to you? What is the pecking order here himself, his mates, you, and where does this leave your daughter? I don't envy your decision but please don't see the bigger picture through rose tinted specs.
    The most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. Steve Biko
  • fluffnutter
    fluffnutter Posts: 23,179 Forumite
    We can all get a bit misty-eyed about the 'one that got away'. But in reality they got away for a very good reason - because it didn't, and won't, ever work.
    "Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell" - Edward Abbey.
  • Would it be possible to give it a trial run?
    Do you work, OP? Or have many other commitments?
    If not, maybe you could take your daughter out of school for the last week before the half-term break and the two of you go and "live" with the guy for two weeks?
    Obviously he might be on best-behaviour for two weeks and then it all fall apart if it became permanent, but at least it would give yuo an idea.

    I work but I get a good amount of holidays. I was thinking that we could go for the whole summer holidays next year as a trial, but now I dont know if we'll make it that far. Me and DD are supposed to be going down together next week and we have an open return. But its hard to keep her occupied all day when he is at work without all her toys etc. And it gets expensive too - that is the other big issue we have as we dont have much spare cash
    I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be
  • jetplane
    jetplane Posts: 1,615 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    My DD plays outside the front of our house with 2 older girls down the road. When its time for her to come in I have to deal with the mother of all tantrums - kicking, screaming, I'm not your friend etc. A while later Mummy is her best friend again and all is forgotten. there have also been times when they play outside best DD's bedtime. She sits watching them from her bunkbed crying that she's missing out.

    I can remember feeling like that as a child too - and there is nothing worse than feeling felt out. But most people seem to grow out of it, whereas OH hasn't. He genuinely doesn't want to feel the way he does but seems powerless to change.
    He's fantastic and they love each other to bits. Two peas in a pod - with the same mental age!!

    OK so you want two children? Don't follow this guy because you feel left out :(.
    The most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. Steve Biko
  • If I were you, I'd chuck the one who got away back in the swamp and go fishing somewhere else.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
    colinw wrote: »
    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • podperson
    podperson Posts: 3,125 Forumite
    Ninth Anniversary 1,000 Posts
    He's fantastic and they love each other to bits. Two peas in a pod - with the same mental age!!

    While it's great that they get on - do you think he'd do well in a 'stepdad' type role? It's easy to be 'friends' with a kid, see them every few weeks, take them somewhere fun, spoil them a bit and then wave bye. It's not so easy to have them every day, do the school run, deal with the tantrums, tell them off, look after them when they're sick, sacrifice buying some 'fun' things to provide her with everything she needs/wants etc (obviously she'll have you there but if you're going to move in and be a family then I know I'd feel quite resentful if my OH wasn't helping out with these things).
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