Long distance relationships- it's all faling apart

HeatherintheHills

Does he say why he cannot imagine himself moving to you?

You have a daughter, presumably settled in school now. You have a job and presumably have sorted child care out when you need it.

He has his job and his mates.

Is he not taking time off work when you make the effort to go and visit him?

OP, this is turning into a no brainer. Let your heart listen to your head for a while. The fact that you are equating his emotional age to that of your daughter says it all really. No matter how much you love him, this guy is just not ready to get serious, and maybe never will be, some don't sadly.

claire21

You have grown up - you are a mother, he hasn't.

fluffnutter

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

I work but I get a good amount of holidays. I was thinking that we could go for the whole summer holidays next year as a trial, but now I dont know if we'll make it that far. Me and DD are supposed to be going down together next week and we have an open return. But its hard to keep her occupied all day when he is at work without all her toys etc. And it gets expensive too - that is the other big issue we have as we dont have much spare cash

You're taking your daughter to see him during (I assume) half term, and he's still going to work?? Why isn't he taking some time off?

Errata

You've tried it, it doesn't work for either of you. Time to move on.

FattyBettyBoo

Does he say why he cannot imagine himself moving to you?

he lives in a busy part of london, i live in in the countryside, where compared to london, there is nothing to do. The weekends we spend in London are always really great, but we have lots of 'what shall we do now' moments when he is here. And I feel responsible for his happiness when he is here (my fault not his) and hate the pressure.

I also work part time so I go there fri pm to monday morning, whereas he cant get here til friday night and leaves sunday afternoon. It just feels right for both of us to spend more time there, and eventually live there. Its a much nicer area, with loads of things to do.

He would also never find a job here - unemployment is really high, whereas I can take a career break for up to 5 years in my job.

peachyprice

He does seem immature, and TBH, I can't see that changing, the only positive is that he's being honest with you and not making promises to change just because that's what you want to hear.

If it were just you I would say go with the flow, see how it all pans out in the end. But it isn't just you, you can't play around with your daughters life like that.

If you are really meant to be together he'll still be there in another 15yrs when your DD is all grown up. But for now you have to put her first.

FattyBettyBoo

You're taking your daughter to see him during (I assume) half term, and he's still going to work?? Why isn't he taking some time off?

He has taken most of his holiday to spend time with me/us, apart from last week with his mates. He took a week off in august just so we could spend it togther and wants to save what's left for xmas

rpc

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

he lives in a busy part of london, i live in in the countryside, where compared to london, there is nothing to do. The weekends we spend in London are always really great, but we have lots of 'what shall we do now' moments when he is here.

Doesn't that ring alarm bells? Why do you always have to "do" something? It should be enough to be with each other. I'm not saying you should never go out, but if each other's company isn't enough then how are you going to be in 5 or 10 years when you have "done" everything?

balletshoes

I've read all of this thread - OP is there a particular reason you can't just go with the flow, the way you've been doing up til now? I'm not really understanding why, if you both want to see each other this weekend, there needs to be any resentment about being together and having fun together?

Every relationship goes through wobbles, but also every relationship doesn't have to be "going anywhere" specific and timebound.

If your OH is unhappy with aspects of the relationship you have, its up to him to find a solution which works for him. At least he's not bottling it up, he's talking to you about it all. He's admitted he needs to grow up and he isn't there yet. So, knowing that he's got a lot of growing up to do, you don't make any plans to take the relationship further until he grows up.
Can you not enjoy what you have now, if it makes you both happy to be together when you're together? Is the alternative (breaking up completely) something either of you consider as a situation that would be better than what you have now?

fluffnutter

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

He has taken most of his holiday to spend time with me/us, apart from last week with his mates. He took a week off in august just so we could spend it togther and wants to save what's left for xmas

Fair dos. So why go to see him next week if it means your daughter has a rubbish time? I'm no fan of people sacrificing everything for their children - that's just martyrdom but, even so, I think things at the moment are a little too disruptive for a six year old. It seems like you're prepared to chance a lot of upheaval for a very uncertain outcome and I can't help but feel that's a little too much of a gamble given your daughter's age.