Long distance relationships- it's all faling apart

FattyBettyBoo

Sorry in advance for the long thread, but feel like my world is falling apart and could do with some advice as I can't think straight today. And getting it down in words is very cathartic.

8 months ago I met up with an ex I had been in a relationship with for 2 years, which ended 11 years ago. We clicked again immediately and decided to give it another go. He lives in London, and I live 200 miles away.

I gave it a lot of thought before starting this relationship again for a few good reasons. Firstly the distance made the relationship difficult in the past. Secondly, I have a 6yo DD and the relationship would mean spending some weekends away from her and having to introduce her to him straight away as he would be staying at our house when he came down. And finally, because I had not long ended a 2 year relationship with someone else and had a bit of emotional baggage. I weighed the odds and listened to my heart, and took the chance. I always believe its better to take chances than to wonder 'what if'. And I have always loved him and thought that he was the one that got away.

So we've got to 8 months and suddenly he can't cope with the distance. He said that he's been thinking about it a lot for 2 weeks and he hates that he can't see me every night. And more to the point, he hates that all his friends do the 'lads' things and get to go home to their other halves after. If he goes out with his friends it means that we dont see each other that weekend. He says that the 2 week gap is too hard, but that seeing his friends is very important to him. FYI, he's 34 not 18 like it sounds.

Last week he spent 5 days in Magaluf with his mates and - exactly like my 6yo DD would do - seems to be having a tantrum now he's back. I get the whole anticlimax thing and having to go back to work depression. But he actually said last night that when I go down tomorrow we need to have a discussion about whether we carry on or not. I feel completely gutted as I didn't see this coming, only that I know he hates the train journey (3 hours) and (again like my 6 yo) hates missing out on lads nights out when he's spending the weekend with me. (He has admitted he needs to grow up).

The first weekend we spent together when we got back together we laid all our cards on the table. He said he could never see himself moving to where I live but I said it was OK because I would move to him. The relationship that ended 12 months ago with someone else did so because he wanted to move away (overseas) and I wouldn't go with him. But as soon as this new relationship started I knew it was completely different. The previous relationship forced me to think about things I never had before, like what was actually keeping where I am. I love London, especially where he is from, and so does my DD. She comes down with me once a month seems like she'd be happy to live there. The theory was that I would travel back home every 3 weeks so DD could see her Dad and Granddad.

Then we had a massive argument the wekend before last, followed by him having a great holiday with his mates, and we haven't spent as much time on Facetime for the past 2 weeks as we've both been busy. I said at the start of the conversation that I felt we weren't as close because of the past 2 weeks. We would usually text or email during the day and Facetime for about an hour at night, but for at least a week it was 5 mins here and there.

He said so many things last night - basically a brain dump. We've agreed that the way he is feeling is all about the last 2 weeks and I feel cross that he's not seeing the bigger picture. He said he's looking forward to me coming down and thinks we'll have a great weekend. He said that he felt better at the end of our 2 hour conversation last night, and a lot more positive than he did at the start. He wants to have fun at the weekend and is hoping that all the negative feelings he's has for a couple of weeks go away once we're together. He siad he loves me and wants us to be together but hates the LDR because a. he doesn't see me enough and b. he misses out on lads nights out when I'm down. He said that at the moment going out with his friends is more important to him than seeing me, that he knows this is wrong, but he has felt this way in every relationship he has been in at some point. He admits that he is at an age where he shouldn't be thinking like this, and that he needs to change.

In 3 weeks there is a big birthday outing including football that he wants to go on. He definitely wants to go and would sulk big time if he didn't. So I say 'that's fine, you go', and he responds that that will mean he won't see me for 2 weeks and he doesn't want that. I feel like we can't win.

My philosophy from the start is that one day - when we are ready - I will move to London and we will be a proper couple. I cope with the LDR and weekends only because I can see the big picture and know what we're aiming for. All he can think is that the LDR isn't working for him right now and we are not ready for me to move yet, so instead of trying to find a solution he has considered ending it instead.

So I go down tomorrow and I have to pretend that everything is great so that we have a good weekend together and he wants to stay with me. It doesn't seem fair. And how do we ever get to the bit where I move there when he drops bombs like that. Right now I am really resenting him but can't bear the thought of losing him. He has always been one for saying what he's thinking, often without considering the consequences. But once you've said something you cant erase it from someone's memory. If we have a great weekend and carry on, am I just gong to be waiting for the next time? Or is this just a reaction to a strange 2 weeks.

I can;t think straight and I have no idea how to be with him. Please be gentle, I'm feeling very fragile today

justjohn

What do you do when you daughter has a tantrum?

You have all the answers and choices in your post.

You also have all the problems.

He is not a child, he needs to make up his mind about what he wants.

Then you need too decide if you can put up with it.

HeatherintheHills

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

Sorry in advance for the long thread, but feel like my world is falling apart and could do with some advice as I can't think straight today. And getting it down in words is very cathartic.

8 months ago I met up with an ex I had been in a relationship with for 2 years, which ended 11 years ago. We clicked again immediately and decided to give it another go. He lives in London, and I live 200 miles away.

I gave it a lot of thought before starting this relationship again for a few good reasons. Firstly the distance made the relationship difficult in the past. Secondly, I have a 6yo DD and the relationship would mean spending some weekends away from her and having to introduce her to him straight away as he would be staying at our house when he came down. And finally, because I had not long ended a 2 year relationship with someone else and had a bit of emotional baggage. I weighed the odds and listened to my heart, and took the chance. I always believe its better to take chances than to wonder 'what if'. And I have always loved him and thought that he was the one that got away.

So we've got to 8 months and suddenly he can't cope with the distance. He said that he's been thinking about it a lot for 2 weeks and he hates that he can't see me every night. And more to the point, he hates that all his friends do the 'lads' things and get to go home to their other halves after. If he goes out with his friends it means that we dont see each other that weekend. He says that the 2 week gap is too hard, but that seeing his friends is very important to him. FYI, he's 34 not 18 like it sounds.

Last week he spent 5 days in Magaluf with his mates and - exactly like my 6yo DD would do - seems to be having a tantrum now he's back. I get the whole anticlimax thing and having to go back to work depression. But he actually said last night that when I go down tomorrow we need to have a discussion about whether we carry on or not. I feel completely gutted as I didn't see this coming, only that I know he hates the train journey (3 hours) and (again like my 6 yo) hates missing out on lads nights out when he's spending the weekend with me. (He has admitted he needs to grow up).

The first weekend we spent together when we got back together we laid all our cards on the table. He said he could never see himself moving to where I live but I said it was OK because I would move to him. The relationship that ended 12 months ago with someone else did so because he wanted to move away (overseas) and I wouldn't go with him. But as soon as this new relationship started I knew it was completely different. The previous relationship forced me to think about things I never had before, like what was actually keeping where I am. I love London, especially where he is from, and so does my DD. She comes down with me once a month seems like she'd be happy to live there. The theory was that I would travel back home every 3 weeks so DD could see her Dad and Granddad.

Then we had a massive argument the wekend before last, followed by him having a great holiday with his mates, and we haven't spent as much time on Facetime for the past 2 weeks as we've both been busy. I said at the start of the conversation that I felt we weren't as close because of the past 2 weeks. We would usually text or email during the day and Facetime for about an hour at night, but for at least a week it was 5 mins here and there.

He said so many things last night - basically a brain dump. We've agreed that the way he is feeling is all about the last 2 weeks and I feel cross that he's not seeing the bigger picture. He said he's looking forward to me coming down and thinks we'll have a great weekend. He said that he felt better at the end of our 2 hour conversation last night, and a lot more positive than he did at the start. He wants to have fun at the weekend and is hoping that all the negative feelings he's has for a couple of weeks go away once we're together. He siad he loves me and wants us to be together but hates the LDR because a. he doesn't see me enough and b. he misses out on lads nights out when I'm down. He said that at the moment going out with his friends is more important to him than seeing me, that he knows this is wrong, but he has felt this way in every relationship he has been in at some point. He admits that he is at an age where he shouldn't be thinking like this, and that he needs to change.

In 3 weeks there is a big birthday outing including football that he wants to go on. He definitely wants to go and would sulk big time if he didn't. So I say 'that's fine, you go', and he responds that that will mean he won't see me for 2 weeks and he doesn't want that. I feel like we can't win.

My philosophy from the start is that one day - when we are ready - I will move to London and we will be a proper couple. I cope with the LDR and weekends only because I can see the big picture and know what we're aiming for. All he can think is that the LDR isn't working for him right now and we are not ready for me to move yet, so instead of trying to find a solution he has considered ending it instead.

So I go down tomorrow and I have to pretend that everything is great so that we have a good weekend together and he wants to stay with me. It doesn't seem fair. And how do we ever get to the bit where I move there when he drops bombs like that. Right now I am really resenting him but can't bear the thought of losing him. He has always been one for saying what he's thinking, often without considering the consequences. But once you've said something you cant erase it from someone's memory. If we have a great weekend and carry on, am I just gong to be waiting for the next time? Or is this just a reaction to a strange 2 weeks.

I can;t think straight and I have no idea how to be with him. Please be gentle, I'm feeling very fragile today

Sorry love, but do you really want to uproot your and your DD's lives so that you can raise 2 kids single-handed?

He is choosing to spend his holiday time with the lads instead of having quality time with you? He cares more about his time with his friends than he does about you? That is like saying that he wants a home maker and willing woman waiting at home for him after he has had a fun night out with the boys. What kind of life would that be for you? Tell him to get himself a cleaner and hire an escort when needed! No way should you even consider putting up with that sort of attitude :mad:

In your shoes I wouldn't go and visit him this weekend. It is time he learnt that what he says and does has repercussions and if he wants a serious relationship he has to stop acting like a spoilt brat.

Good luck Honey, but I think you are backing a loser with this one.

System

I feel for you i really do but you cant hold on to someone who doesnt want to be held.

Its also not healthy to hold onto resentment but theres a lot to be said for the way its discussed.

FattyBettyBoo

What I'm really struggling with is not knowing whether its a tantrum (brought on by the last 2 weeks) or whether its true and considered feelings.

If it is the latter then I know I need to cut my losses and run. But if this is just the equivalent of him stamping his feet because on an anticlimax after a great lads holiday, then we should be able to get past this.

podperson

It does sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it at the moment. I don't see anything wrong with him wanting to spend time with his friends as well - but then if he makes the decision to do that then he can't really start complaining that he doesn't see you as well. It's a rather childish mentality that whichever option he chooses there's the feeling of 'missing out' on the other one.

Long term if you did move in with him would you be ok with the fact that he'll then want to go out with his friends every week (as in his mind he'll have already 'seen' you during the week). My OH goes out sometimes at the weekend on a 'lads' night out. 9 time out of 10 it ends up with him rolling in at god-knows-what time in the morning, drunk off his head, waking me up, annoying me to high heaven, snoring all night and keeping me awake and then being grumpy/tired/rough most of the next day and not wanting to do anything :rotfl:This is maybe once every couple of months at the most so I put up with it as I would never want to say he couldn't go out with his friends (and if he said the same to me he'd get short shrift!) but if it was every weekend it would become an issue as quite frankly it would drive me crazy - and I definately wouldn't put up with it with a child in the house. Maybe your OH is more 'sensible' but from the way you describe I'm thinking perhaps not?

CH27

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

What I'm really struggling with is not knowing whether its a tantrum (brought on by the last 2 weeks) or whether its true and considered feelings.

If it is the latter then I know I need to cut my losses and run. But if this is just the equivalent of him stamping his feet because on an anticlimax after a great lads holiday, then we should be able to get past this.

I get the impression he has lots of tantrums.
Why do you want to be with someone who isn't your emotional equal?

downsizer3

Your priority is your daughter I'm afraid - and to uproot her is a big step - new schools / distance to family etc, so its best to be absolutely sure.
Frankly you boyfreind doesn't sound mature enough - nor ready for a grown up stepdad kind of relationship.
I appreciate that its really disappointing - and all that goes with any relationship breakdown, but you need to put the breaks on a bit. Forget moving down just now - give him a bit of space and see if he grows up and wants a proper relationship / misses you enough. Imagine - you'd be bringing up your daughter, school run, supermarkets and all that family life entails - and he's having a sulk when he can't go out on the raz with his mates???? No way.

tea_lover

Why did you break up the first time round, and were those issues properly dealt with before you got back together?

FattyBettyBoo

I think I've had in my head for a while that he would need an attitude shift before I'd move there.

We've talked about these issues a few times in the past and he has always admitted that it's time he needed to grow up. It did seem like he was OK with going out once a month until last night. It has come out of the blue as I thought things were ticking along OK.

My DD plays outside the front of our house with 2 older girls down the road. When its time for her to come in I have to deal with the mother of all tantrums - kicking, screaming, I'm not your friend etc. A while later Mummy is her best friend again and all is forgotten. there have also been times when they play outside best DD's bedtime. She sits watching them from her bunkbed crying that she's missing out.

I can remember feeling like that as a child too - and there is nothing worse than feeling felt out. But most people seem to grow out of it, whereas OH hasn't. He genuinely doesn't want to feel the way he does but seems powerless to change.

justjohn

Out of interest how is he with your daughter?