Feeling broken and no where near debt free. This is just the start.

HeadAboveWater

bexiboo92 wrote: »

HATE HATE HATE how much i've changed in the last 3years.
Where's the girl who would've done anything to chase her dreams gone?

One of the last things my grandad said to me before he passed away was how proud he was of me and how much he wanted me to follow my dreams and go to university.
I need to take control again.

Even looking at university stuff scares the hell out of me; i don't feel good enough. I've spent too much of the last 3yrs wrapped up in working and trying to keep a roof above my head.

She's hiding behind the sofa. Go chase her out of there and tell her life is passing her by please!!

You should remember more often what your granddad said to you. Forget the fear. Forget whether or not you think you're good enough (I know you are). It's your dream. Life is too short. Go for it!

And I'd agree with Sambucus Nigra and the 'go home' bit too...

ZTD

bexiboo92 wrote: »

HATE HATE HATE how much i've changed in the last 3years.

So change again. Not necessarily back - but to something better than you were, not worse.

bexiboo92 wrote: »

Where's the girl who would've done anything to chase her dreams gone?

Down the back of the sofa - we already spoke about this. You need to be reaching out for her.

bexiboo92 wrote: »

One of the last things my grandad said to me before he passed away was how proud he was of me and how much he wanted me to follow my dreams and go to university.
I need to take control again.

Even looking at university stuff scares the hell out of me; i don't feel good enough.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Obviously you've never been. After all - didn't you just use a semi-colon in the sentence above? You won't see many of those outside of a computer programming course.

So - first task: Drop the nonsense about not being good enough. You will actually need to find one that is up to your obvious high standard. This may or may not be subject to compromise, depending on whereabouts your parents live. Because yes...I agree with everyone else. I think you should go home, focus on studies and let your parents worry about the running of a house.

Second task: Find a course appropriate to your talents and which you want to do. Yes, that too is a compromise. It's all very well having a degree in the mating habits of a badger ear mite (which you may or may not have always wanted to do), but it doesn't really help pay the bills at the end of the day. And bills will need to be paid to pay off the student fees.

bexiboo92 wrote: »

I've spent too much of the last 3yrs wrapped up in working and trying to keep a roof above my head.

Don't denigrate the past three years of your life. The lessons learned will help you in the next three years of your life.

:grouphug:

bexiboo92

ZTD wrote: »

So change again. Not necessarily back - but to something better than you were, not worse.



Down the back of the sofa - we already spoke about this. You need to be reaching out for her.



:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Obviously you've never been. After all - didn't you just use a semi-colon in the sentence above? You won't see many of those outside of a computer programming course.

So - first task: Drop the nonsense about not being good enough. You will actually need to find one that is up to your obvious high standard. This may or may not be subject to compromise, depending on whereabouts your parents live. Because yes...I agree with everyone else. I think you should go home, focus on studies and let your parents worry about the running of a house.

Second task: Find a course appropriate to your talents and which you want to do. Yes, that too is a compromise. It's all very well having a degree in the mating habits of a badger ear mite (which you may or may not have always wanted to do), but it doesn't really help pay the bills at the end of the day. And bills will need to be paid to pay off the student fees.



Don't denigrate the past three years of your life. The lessons learned will help you in the next three years of your life.

:grouphug:

Hahahaha.

Thank you for this post. Cheered me up!

Already have an idea of where I want to go and what I want to do, now it's just acting on it.

bexiboo92

I sometimes wonder whether getting mad rather than sad would be better. I want to know how you'd respond if I sat and screamed at you, rather than crying and seeming like I'm vulnerable.

Funny thing is i've been through worse than this. I've cut my own wrists, I've wanted to die and I've watched the person who was like a 2nd mother to me pass away. So no I'm really not this weak.

You don't really acknowledge it do you. You make me feel like crap. And i let you. You make me feel belittled, immature, useless, unimportant. And i let you. Why? God knows. Because I certainly don't.

Love should be about care, compassion, togetherness, two hearts meeting in the same place.
Every girl needs reminding they're loved, important, the treasure of your life. As do some guys.
Every human being needs to be needed. I don't feel needed. Nor wanted.

I know they say you shouldn't compare the current to the past, but i think back to the love notes from my ex I have hidden at my mum and dad's. And frankly, it brings tears to my eyes. He was someone I could talk to 4/5/6/7/8 times a day and each of those conversations would have lasted forever if possible. I miss sharing my life with someone; someone who would answer the phone at 3am if I needed or a chat or kiss away my tears. Not get mad at me.
Things fall apart for a reason and some things aren't made to be. Me and him weren't.
But he taught me about love, what it was like to be important and loved, to be treated with every bit of respect he had in his body and what it was like to have my best friend as my boyfriend.

We're two very different people and sooner or later we will have to face that fact. I can't emotionally carry someone and I don't expect to be emotionally carried. A little bit of support would go a far way.

Sambucus_Nigra

Bexi - what would happen if you just packed your bags today and went home? Fill in the blanks....

Good:

Bad:

bexiboo92

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Bexi - what would happen if you just packed your bags today and went home? Fill in the blanks....

Good:

Bad:

Good: save money, hopefully get debt free, could learn to drive.

Bad: lose what freedom i've got by living on my own, lose my relationship.

Sambucus_Nigra

That freedom you are talking about - is this what you mean:

bexiboo92 wrote: »

HATE HATE HATE how much i've changed in the last 3years.
Where's the girl who would've done anything to chase her dreams gone?

And the relationship - that's the one you are talking about all through this thread?

Win-win by the sounds of it. Go home.

dktreesea

bexiboo92 wrote: »

Good: save money, hopefully get debt free, could learn to drive.

Bad: lose what freedom i've got by living on my own, lose my relationship.

Bex, you're not living on your own. You are living with someone who makes you feel like cr*p. As to "losing your relationship" remember, it's not just you who is losing this. So is he. If he doesn't value you anymore, presumably because you don't mother him, make him the centre of your life and put lots of effort into making him feel great, (lots of guys want this), and if he starts whinging on about you are this that and the other thing, just stay calm, tell him if he doesn't like it, there's the door, and once he is gone, either go back home once the lease is up for renewal or get a flatmate. At least that way you can leave the flat at your convenience.

And beware of a man who leaves you then realises it's cold and lonely out there and wants to come back. The fact that he didn't keep up his end of the bargain initially - to treat you like a human being, always want your company and hold you dear to his heart forever - could mean that the person you were before he left is no longer at home.

If he refuses to leave and says you should go instead, make sure you go down the letting agent to reassign the lease to him.

I realise a lot of couples don't have a lot in common and need to work at it that much harder than couples on the same wavelength, but imho, people who aren't prepared to make an effort are just not worth it.

If you look at your partner and think "yeah, this is okay for now, but this isn't the guy I want to settle down with and have children/make a home with", that sounds more to me like a relationship of convenience than love. Aren't you a bit young to settle for that?

bexiboo92

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

That freedom you are talking about - is this what you mean:



And the relationship - that's the one you are talking about all through this thread?
.

Yep it is ...

ZTD

bexiboo92 wrote: »

Yep it is ...

Well there you go. Think of it as a crash diet: Move back home and instantly lose over 12 stone of excess flab that's weighing you down and making you unhappy...

But more seriously - unless things *really* turn around, you don't actually have a relationship. You've already outlined in a previous post what a relationship is to you - and you don't have that.

You *could* have that rather easily, but with someone else. In order for that to happen, this one needs to be put out of its misery.