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Feeling broken and no where near debt free. This is just the start.
bexiboo92
Posts: 348 Forumite
Soo another MSE user suggested I start a diary on here; keep focused on becoming debt free and keep a clear account of what is going on in my head.
I used to be really good with words and writing; I used to be able to put them into a beautifully read poem or a well read letter, then my muse ran away and it never returned.
It was my 2year anniversary 2weeks ago yesterday; I still haven't received a card or any sort of present from my OH.
You see we're only 20 and 21, but we've been living together for just over a year now. For those of you who have seen my name pop on the forums before and read my rants, my relationship is a very rocky one. Especially over the last 6-9months. It all started in January if i'm honest with myself, we'd spent a load on Christmas which we didn't have and when it got to January we had nothing between us. I already had 2 or 3 payday loans out in my name, was struggling to repay them and then we had to turn to my parents YET AGAIN to help us out. It was worth more than my dignity was. The OH then turned 21 at the end of January; no major thing, he doesn't do birthday and instead of spending the time with me he went out and got drunk with a friend. I remember sitting in bed that night crying thinking how lonely I felt and how demotivated I was.
The next few months past; more arguments than usual. We were using payday loans to survive, robbing Paul to pay Phil as they say and I was struggling to repay them. The OH never quite realised we in so deep as the connection was never made when we didn't have money one week but did by the next.Of course everything was taken out in my name as he'd already demolished his credit rating which an incident with a bank before I came along. As well as the PDLs we already stupidly owed Orange as OH had stopped paying his phone bills due to "unfair charges" which Orange could barely explain.
By beginning of February we had decided to move flats and look for something cheaper to run. After a few stressful flat hunts, we found a place we both really liked and would allow us to have our dog. Four long and stressful weeks occurred, from asking the parents to lend us £1300 for the deposit to checks to a bad reference from our ex landlord and needing guarantors because of my age and job. This put a strain on the relationship; everything had to be done his way and temper tantrums occurred despite the fact he was dealing with bare minimum. I should have realised then that it wasn't a good idea.
So after stupidly signing a 12month flat contract, here we are today 6months into the contract.
Just over 5 weeks ago, everything blew up in my face. He read something he shouldn't have and all my fears and doubts about the relationship got aired. Sadly it seemed to come across as if it was centered around money, when it wasn't and isn't really. It was about sitting in the same room and barely talking, it was about feeling alone when I shouldn't, him hardly doing any housework, about being spoken to like c*ap because I apparently speak to him like that. It was about feeling like nothing.
We're sitting in about £4500 worth of debt (well technically I am), made of up of PDLs, debt to Orange and 2overdrafts.
We also have a £400 overdue electricity bill for our current flat.
I signed onto a DMP with CCCS and am now in the process of trying to sort the debt out. It's a very much one man band process; no help or support from the OH. I get the incredibly horrible feeling that this boy will run from debt for as long as he can and is not bothered by it one bit.
I feel bruised, hurt and quite honestly deflated.
I want the old Bex back.
I used to be really good with words and writing; I used to be able to put them into a beautifully read poem or a well read letter, then my muse ran away and it never returned.
It was my 2year anniversary 2weeks ago yesterday; I still haven't received a card or any sort of present from my OH.
You see we're only 20 and 21, but we've been living together for just over a year now. For those of you who have seen my name pop on the forums before and read my rants, my relationship is a very rocky one. Especially over the last 6-9months. It all started in January if i'm honest with myself, we'd spent a load on Christmas which we didn't have and when it got to January we had nothing between us. I already had 2 or 3 payday loans out in my name, was struggling to repay them and then we had to turn to my parents YET AGAIN to help us out. It was worth more than my dignity was. The OH then turned 21 at the end of January; no major thing, he doesn't do birthday and instead of spending the time with me he went out and got drunk with a friend. I remember sitting in bed that night crying thinking how lonely I felt and how demotivated I was.
The next few months past; more arguments than usual. We were using payday loans to survive, robbing Paul to pay Phil as they say and I was struggling to repay them. The OH never quite realised we in so deep as the connection was never made when we didn't have money one week but did by the next.Of course everything was taken out in my name as he'd already demolished his credit rating which an incident with a bank before I came along. As well as the PDLs we already stupidly owed Orange as OH had stopped paying his phone bills due to "unfair charges" which Orange could barely explain.
By beginning of February we had decided to move flats and look for something cheaper to run. After a few stressful flat hunts, we found a place we both really liked and would allow us to have our dog. Four long and stressful weeks occurred, from asking the parents to lend us £1300 for the deposit to checks to a bad reference from our ex landlord and needing guarantors because of my age and job. This put a strain on the relationship; everything had to be done his way and temper tantrums occurred despite the fact he was dealing with bare minimum. I should have realised then that it wasn't a good idea.
So after stupidly signing a 12month flat contract, here we are today 6months into the contract.
Just over 5 weeks ago, everything blew up in my face. He read something he shouldn't have and all my fears and doubts about the relationship got aired. Sadly it seemed to come across as if it was centered around money, when it wasn't and isn't really. It was about sitting in the same room and barely talking, it was about feeling alone when I shouldn't, him hardly doing any housework, about being spoken to like c*ap because I apparently speak to him like that. It was about feeling like nothing.
We're sitting in about £4500 worth of debt (well technically I am), made of up of PDLs, debt to Orange and 2overdrafts.
We also have a £400 overdue electricity bill for our current flat.
I signed onto a DMP with CCCS and am now in the process of trying to sort the debt out. It's a very much one man band process; no help or support from the OH. I get the incredibly horrible feeling that this boy will run from debt for as long as he can and is not bothered by it one bit.
I feel bruised, hurt and quite honestly deflated.
I want the old Bex back.
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Comments
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Soo another MSE user suggested I start a diary on here; keep focused on becoming debt free and keep a clear account of what is going on in my head.
A good suggestion.I used to be really good with words and writing; I used to be able to put them into a beautifully read poem or a well read letter, then my muse ran away and it never returned.
This is looking well-written to me. Are you sure your muse is just not hiding down the back of the sofa, whispering sweet nothings at you?It was my 2year anniversary 2weeks ago yesterday; I still haven't received a card or any sort of present from my OH.
Have you asked him why? If he can't afford a card, then he can sit down and damn well make one.You see we're only 20 and 21, but we've been living together for just over a year now. For those of you who have seen my name pop on the forums before and read my rants, my relationship is a very rocky one. Especially over the last 6-9months. It all started in January if i'm honest with myself, we'd spent a load on Christmas which we didn't have and when it got to January we had nothing between us. I already had 2 or 3 payday loans out in my name, was struggling to repay them and then we had to turn to my parents YET AGAIN to help us out. It was worth more than my dignity was. The OH then turned 21 at the end of January; no major thing, he doesn't do birthday and instead of spending the time with me he went out and got drunk with a friend. I remember sitting in bed that night crying thinking how lonely I felt and how demotivated I was.
Why? Was this the first time he'd done that?The next few months past; more arguments than usual. We were using payday loans to survive, robbing Paul to pay Phil as they say and I was struggling to repay them. The OH never quite realised we in so deep as the connection was never made when we didn't have money one week but did by the next.
Men tend not to. Don't expect deep thinking as a rule - you're going to be disappointed.Of course everything was taken out in my name as he'd already demolished his credit rating which an incident with a bank before I came along. As well as the PDLs we already stupidly owed Orange as OH had stopped paying his phone bills due to "unfair charges" which Orange could barely explain.
"We" owed Orange? In whose name is it?By beginning of February we had decided to move flats and look for something cheaper to run. After a few stressful flat hunts, we found a place we both really liked and would allow us to have our dog. Four long and stressful weeks occurred, from asking the parents to lend us £1300 for the deposit to checks to a bad reference from our ex landlord and needing guarantors because of my age and job. This put a strain on the relationship; everything had to be done his way and temper tantrums occurred despite the fact he was dealing with bare minimum. I should have realised then that it wasn't a good idea.
So after stupidly signing a 12month flat contract, here we are today 6months into the contract.
What is "it"? The move?
You've got a cheaper flat - not massively stupid then. Is it?
Just over 5 weeks ago, everything blew up in my face. He read something he shouldn't have and all my fears and doubts about the relationship got aired. Sadly it seemed to come across as if it was centered around money, when it wasn't and isn't really. It was about sitting in the same room and barely talking, it was about feeling alone when I shouldn't, him hardly doing any housework, about being spoken to like c*ap because I apparently speak to him like that. It was about feeling like nothing.
Why does he do that? Guilt about money perhaps? So pointing out his behaviour, is just like pointing out the money - because that's the source of the behaviour.We're sitting in about £4500 worth of debt (well technically I am),
Which means YOU are sitting on £4500 worth of debt. He may help out, or he may not.made of up of PDLs, debt to Orange and 2overdrafts.
We also have a £400 overdue electricity bill for our current flat.
I signed onto a DMP with CCCS and am now in the process of trying to sort the debt out.
That's good news.It's a very much one man band process; no help or support from the OH. I get the incredibly horrible feeling that this boy will run from debt for as long as he can and is not bothered by it one bit.
He will be bothered. Orange have already caught up with him, and given that it looks like your parents are the ones who are bailing you out and providing flat deposits - that boy (probably an appropriate term) is either going to have to learn to enjoy the vista from a residence made from 100% recycled cardboard - or he's going to have to get his act together.I feel bruised, hurt and quite honestly deflated.
I can imagine. Unfortunately it looks like he's trying the old trick of being beastly to you, pressing your hot-buttons, so you snap back at him. That'll make it so it was all your fault all the time.
Eventually it'll become too much and you'll both part, and that won't be his fault either.
Only way out from that I can see, is to start confronting him (not in an aggressive way - you're going to have to bite your tongue a lot) about his behaviour.
Start with the card. Good bad or indifferent, when you get it, say you're going to keep it forever and show everyone.I want the old Bex back.
:grouphug:
It'll happen. Just check down the back of the sofa every so often...
"Follow the money!" - Deepthroat (AKA William Mark Felt Sr - Associate Director of the FBI)
"We were born and raised in a summer haze." Adele 'Someone like you.'
"Blowing your mind, 'cause you know what you'll find, when you're looking for things in the sky." OMD 'Julia's Song'0 -
Hello, some people may shoot me down in flames for this but this is my view.
Get out of what seems a toxic relationship he obviously doesnt have the same outlook as you, you are still very young and I think can do so much better.
Can you get out of the flat tenancy, move somwhere by yourself?
Good for you re DMP, get those debts cleared
Re the orange, its his bill, hisw problem, he obviously doesnt want to sort himself out, YOU do, so go for it and if he doesnt want to come along with you then he's not for you.
All the best of luck
Debt 13-1-25 - £39K!!!
Mortgage 13-1-25 - £63K
Mt DFW Diary: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6580353/at-an-all-time-low#latest0 -
Aw bex
Massive *hugs* to you xx
You have gone through so, so much, and I'm glad you've started the diary. A positive step Hopefully by writing everything down last night helped to make it all a bit clearer in your head: the feelings, emotions, likes, dislikes, loves, hates, hopes and fears.
I would agree with ZTD that your muse is just in hiding I've seen evidence of the talent you have. Don't let it go to waste I signed onto a DMP with CCCS and am now in the process of trying to sort the debt out. It's a very much one man band process; no help or support from the OH.
Good for you for taking responsibility for your debts and working to sort them out. But make sure it's only the ones in your name. If he wants to bury his head in the sand, so be it. You'll be the one with a clear conscience a few years from now, not in debt, and be able to treat yourself and afford things you couldn't have before!!I feel bruised, hurt and quite honestly deflated.
It's a horrible feeling. And I think you know what's causing you to feel like this (although maybe a combination too)I want the old Bex back
Me too!!!! I didn't know her before, but I've seen glimpses and I'd like to see more of that please!!! Wealth is what you're left with when all your money runs out0 -
Thanks for the adviceA good suggestion.
This is looking well-written to me. Are you sure your muse is just not hiding down the back of the sofa, whispering sweet nothings at you?
Have you asked him why? If he can't afford a card, then he can sit down and damn well make one.
He was ill in the lead up to our anniversary, sort of expected one afew days afterwards.Silly me.
Why? Was this the first time he'd done that?
I sort of thought he'd want to spend some of his birthday with me.
Men tend not to. Don't expect deep thinking as a rule - you're going to be disappointed.
"We" owed Orange? In whose name is it?
Everything, including Orange is in my name.
What is "it"? The move?
You've got a cheaper flat - not massively stupid then. Is it?
Why does he do that? Guilt about money perhaps? So pointing out his behaviour, is just like pointing out the money - because that's the source of the behaviour.
Guilt about money, guilt about the way he treats me, guilt about his behaviour?
Which means YOU are sitting on £4500 worth of debt. He may help out, or he may not.
That's good news.
He will be bothered. Orange have already caught up with him, and given that it looks like your parents are the ones who are bailing you out and providing flat deposits - that boy (probably an appropriate term) is either going to have to learn to enjoy the vista from a residence made from 100% recycled cardboard - or he's going to have to get his act together.
I can imagine. Unfortunately it looks like he's trying the old trick of being beastly to you, pressing your hot-buttons, so you snap back at him. That'll make it so it was all your fault all the time.
Eventually it'll become too much and you'll both part, and that won't be his fault either.
Only way out from that I can see, is to start confronting him (not in an aggressive way - you're going to have to bite your tongue a lot) about his behaviour.
Start with the card. Good bad or indifferent, when you get it, say you're going to keep it forever and show everyone.
I've tried confronting him. We've had plenty of conversations and to be quite honest, I'm beyond the point of wanting to talk anymore.
:grouphug:
It'll happen. Just check down the back of the sofa every so often... 0 -
Hi Bex
Just wanted to quickly say I know how soul destroying it is to be a relationship where you feel under valued, but you are still young and you need to start concentrating on yourself. If you can get your old self-esteem back you'll be better able to deal with emotional hammer blows and decide when enough is enough. You can sort this debt out by yourself, but it will take courage.
I have no doubt your boyfriend has his fair share of problems himself, and I think a lot of young men are emotionally constipated. Just remember your self awareness and your thinking on his behalf doesn't mean he's come to any epithanies by himself.
Barclaycard [STRIKE] £2770 [/STRIKE] now £2690.
O/D £500. Weight loss: 12/28lbs
Savings owed [STRIKE] £3000 [/STRIKE] now £2250 Total debt: [STRIKE] £6760 [/STRIKE] now £54400 -
He was ill in the lead up to our anniversary, sort of expected one afew days afterwards.Silly me.I've tried confronting him. We've had plenty of conversations and to be quite honest, I'm beyond the point of wanting to talk anymore.
If you've made clear you want a card and he still hasn't provided - then he isn't going to.
If everything is in your name, and he isn't paying for things, then things need to stop being in your name.
Is Orange a contract?
Do you have a joint account?"Follow the money!" - Deepthroat (AKA William Mark Felt Sr - Associate Director of the FBI)
"We were born and raised in a summer haze." Adele 'Someone like you.'
"Blowing your mind, 'cause you know what you'll find, when you're looking for things in the sky." OMD 'Julia's Song'0 -
If you've made clear you want a card and he still hasn't provided - then he isn't going to.
If everything is in your name, and he isn't paying for things, then things need to stop being in your name.
Is Orange a contract?
Do you have a joint account?
Yep Orange are contracts and both in my name.
Yes we do.0 -
Yep Orange are contracts and both in my name.
Yes we do.
Well, see what CCCS say about your situation in general, but you may want to look at converting the joint account into a basic bank account (i.e. no overdraught).
How long is left with the Orange contracts? What is the state of that? Is he just not paying, or are you going down some sort of dispute procedure? (i.e. are you just paying because he isn't?)
I would say that, alas, you have some pondering coming up. About your and his futures.
It's starting to smell like this previous "incident with a bank" was "he borrowed, he did not repay". Then you came along.
Given that it has been your 2 year anniversary, and you are just in your very early 20's, and you can only get credit from being 18...he has been pretty quick off the mark of not repaying his debts."Follow the money!" - Deepthroat (AKA William Mark Felt Sr - Associate Director of the FBI)
"We were born and raised in a summer haze." Adele 'Someone like you.'
"Blowing your mind, 'cause you know what you'll find, when you're looking for things in the sky." OMD 'Julia's Song'0 -
Well, see what CCCS say about your situation in general, but you may want to look at converting the joint account into a basic bank account (i.e. no overdraught).
How long is left with the Orange contracts? What is the state of that? Is he just not paying, or are you going down some sort of dispute procedure? (i.e. are you just paying because he isn't?)
I would say that, alas, you have some pondering coming up. About your and his futures.
It's starting to smell like this previous "incident with a bank" was "he borrowed, he did not repay". Then you came along.
Given that it has been your 2 year anniversary, and you are just in your very early 20's, and you can only get credit from being 18...he has been pretty quick off the mark of not repaying his debts.
Orange contracts end in January 2013. We did dispute it but Orange only refunded around £20 of the bill as a "good will gesture", so I've put them into the DMP with CCCS.
Basically I'm just going to pay the debt off, the quicker I can clear my name and start to sort myself out the better.
I think we both know this is going no-where.0 -
Orange contracts end in January 2013. We did dispute it but Orange only refunded around £20 of the bill as a "good will gesture", so I've put them into the DMP with CCCS.
I'm sure there must be a "flip the bird to Orange" smiley somewhere...
Ah ha!
Basically I'm just going to pay the debt off, the quicker I can clear my name and start to sort myself out the better.
Yes, but you do need to protect yourself in the meanwhile. That means limiting his ability to run up bills/debt.I think we both know this is going no-where.
:grouphug:"Follow the money!" - Deepthroat (AKA William Mark Felt Sr - Associate Director of the FBI)
"We were born and raised in a summer haze." Adele 'Someone like you.'
"Blowing your mind, 'cause you know what you'll find, when you're looking for things in the sky." OMD 'Julia's Song'0
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