Real-life MMD: Should student daughter contribute?

JoannaS_3

I agree with the majority that your daughter should contribute towards her upkeep at home but I think it's about finding a balance for you both.

I went away to Uni and supported myself but before that I always had a part time job while at school/college. My mum and dad didn't ask me for money (even though I think they needed it) but I arranged with mum that I would buy all my own toiletries, make-up, special clothes and any other bits and pieces that I wanted as it didn't seem fair for her to carry on buying these things when I could now afford to.

My brother hasn't gone to Uni, he's 21 and lives at home, he has a full-time job earning minimum wage but he and my parents have sat down and worked out how much he will pay so that they are both happy. He recently had a reduction in hours, meaning a reduction in money, so again they sat down and worked out how much he could afford to give them. I think he pays around £100-£150 a month which doesn't seem a lot but he does also buy himself clothes, toiletries, any food mum doesn't get that he wants and any alcohol he wants too. He's very responsible, appreciates what mum and dad provide for him and understands the value of money.

Perhaps you could discuss with your daughter that if she doesn't want to pay you rent, you won't be able to afford to pay for everything as you always have done and she will have to start paying for some of the things she wants and needs herself.

There is a happy medium there, you just need to keep talking until you find it! Good luck and all the best!

rubix_76

Lula_Pace wrote: »

I think that a lot of the posts here are very hasty to blame. At what point has the OP said that she does all her daughter's chores?

- SNIP -

She's still young and she has plenty of time to mature. In the mean time, just go easy and be respectful. She will learn to respect you back.

Nobody does my chores (not even my wife) and I still pay the mortgage !

also ... you say be respectful, but surely she shoud respect you and pay what she should and that is surely paying her way. You have brought her up for the last 18 years, it's not as if you are asking for her to pay more than her share, just her share.

She needs to grow up (even at 18) and realise there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Mojisola

JoannaS wrote: »

He recently had a reduction in hours, meaning a reduction in money, so again they sat down and worked out how much he could afford to give them.

I think he pays around £100-£150 a month which doesn't seem a lot but he does also buy himself clothes, toiletries, any food mum doesn't get that he wants and any alcohol he wants too. He's very responsible, appreciates what mum and dad provide for him and understands the value of money.

I'm aware that your parents are happy with the arrangements but I'm surprised that a 21 year old adult should be thought of as good because he buys his own clothes, alcohol, etc!

JoannaS_3

Mojisola wrote: »

I'm aware that your parents are happy with the arrangements but I'm surprised that a 21 year old adult should be thought of as good because he buys his own clothes, alcohol, etc!

Hi Mojisola

Thanks for quoting me; in case you didn't understand the point of my post, I am just giving another example of how the situation could be handled. I didn't actually say in my post that my brother is 'good' for buying his own clothes and alcohol, I'm just mentioning that he does as that is the arrangement he and my parents have!! I didn't realise being a parent was a dictatorship! It's about everyone being happy and the arrangement being fair! Have a great day now!

Mojisola

JoannaS wrote: »

Thanks for quoting me; in case you didn't understand the point of my post, I am just giving another example of how the situation could be handled. I didn't actually say in my post that my brother is 'good' for buying his own clothes and alcohol, I'm just mentioning that he does as that is the arrangement he and my parents have!! I didn't realise being a parent was a dictatorship! It's about everyone being happy and the arrangement being fair! Have a great day now!

Agree with this. In our family, financial help has gone up and down the generations, according to the need at the time. Each family has to work out what suits them.

The issue which keeps coming up on MSE is how many young adults seem to think their parents have a duty to support them financially and practically well past childhood.

A.Jones

Tell her you that now she is at university, you are going to rent her old room out to make ends meet. She can have a discount if she wants to stay.

jevs2015

amberand wrote: »

oh and legally you can't kick her out - she has a legal right to reside there - it is the same reason a child of age has to sign a contract of sale of a house to say they will leave the house on exchange

This is utter nonsense

Assuming that you're not on a wind up, this in no way constitutes a legal right to live there. It's only in place so the mortgage company can evict everyone quickly if they got into arrears. Legally the Mum can very much kick the daughter out any time she sees fit, though I agree it would be harsh when she's basically being a spoilt teenager who needs educating

priestone

What does she get for £20? Does that include all her food, landline calls, TV ( multi room?), laundry etc?

If she weren't at home, would you get a council tax rebate?

Maybe a frank discussion on the cost of things is due.

Perhaps you could suggest that she is welcome to live at home free of charge, but that you would like her to pay for any extra costs that she incurs - food, electricity for washing machine, landline calls, additional council tax charges etc. Alternatively she can eat out all the time and go to a launderette and miss out on all the other incremental things that she enjoys by living at home.

She's lucky to have you and should show some appreciation.

alittlemadam

Of course she should contribute or at least learn to realise what having your own money means like when she has run out not ask mum to bail her out.

Therefore I suggest you set some ground rules although its hard and she will think that your being totally unfair, you have to do it for her own good.

If she is still saying No. Sit her down and go through everything that it would cost her if she lived away and she should see what a good deal she is getting

aijay71

I think the key thing in your dilemma is that she is refusing to pay. She must know how things are for you at home and therefore she should be offering to pay something toward her keep. Let's be honest, £20 isn't going to help a lot but it really is more about the principle in letting her understand that as an adult she has to pay her way.

Personally, I feel you are being more than fair and whilst I don't think the heavy handed manner of some posters would be productive, you do have to draw a line in the sand and say to her that if she doesn't like it she is welcome to try and find somewhere else to live for the same amount of money and I bet she can't.

Having 2 sons myself (at the moment a good few years off 18!) I know that in theory this is all very well and good however I don't imagine I will ever be able to 'kick them out'...maybe if they're still living at home when they're 40 I will!!!