Real-life MMD: Should student daughter contribute?

candycan

A good start is to have a talk with her about money and budgeting and what she needs money for. Explain to her about the bills you need to pay. Hopefully she will then realise the importance of her contribution. Then to show willing you could give her a month's grace where she doesn't have to pay as there are higher costs at the start of the first term (I have 2 daughters at Uni), then make it clear she does need to pay.

funkyferret

Of course she should pay. If the lady can get her daughter out, and let her room to another student to get MORE money in, this will demonstrate to her daughter how expensive it is to live in the outside world - and how grateful she should be!

reevery

All I want to say is that if she does pay you rent, if you can afford to, save it up on her behalf so that you can "gift" it back to her as a deposit when she wants to move our permanently.

tenuissent

I was interested in Shamylla's contribution, especially at the idea that when I am too ancient to live on my own, and might have to live with one of my children, would I offer to contribute to expenses? I am quite sure I would.

I take the point that your chidren are not your lodgers, so it would be harsh to say "Pay up or leave" - and also the point that a discussion is necessary about how we are both going to run this household now that you have grown up.

The loss of the child benefit is the crux of the matter, and she should be gently reminded (maybe she was indeed "caught off guard" when you first mentioned this) that if you genuinely cannot keep up the same standards as when you were getting the benefit, some things will have to be let go, and what does she think would be best to cut back on?

Assume she is not going to contribute financially, so there is no further argument about that - but invite her cooperation in saving the equivalent amount that you used to get as a benefit. You will have your own ideas, but it would be treating her as an adult to ask for hers, and to come to some agreement together.

Faced with this friendly and positive discussion, she would either agree to some economies or begin to understand that contributing towards the costs would make both you and her more comfortable at home. Either way, you solve the problem and remain friends?

onesixfive

I suggest you BOTH sit down, and you BOTH list the costs involved - HER with the books, and travel etc involved with Uni, and YOU with personal/housing and upkeep/maintenance costs for both of you from each of your incomes.
This will give her a hard lesson in budgeting.
Keep her involved in this regularly - particularly any significant rises.
I am sure proportionately you will have less left over to spend on yourself at the end of each week/month.
That will (hopefully) demonstrate to her that she has more disposable income than you, & will justify your request for monies from her (however little it may be).
You never know - she may offer more!

joehoover

If you earn you must pay or contribute in some way.

I paid £60 a month (18 years ago) and I knew what a steal it was, I never went to uni but was working, admittedly for a pittance, but my friends moved out and I could not afford the rents they were paying. I never did my own washing but I cooked for myself and the family on occasion as I had been doing since I was 14 due to my mum having to work as a cleaner at my old school to support us.

I then went to work under my dad at the company he worked for and got a great insight into how hard he worked to support us.

So in repsonse to the few people who think you shouldn't be charging your children then look at it another way, after seeing how hard they struggled, the least I could do was contribute now I was old enough too. You are now too old to be supported and you should contribute, it's part of being grown up, you can drink, you can drive, you can have sex, you're an adult, so why shouldn't this extend to a gesture of responsibility and support for your parents and yourself in the long run.

It may not need to be monetrary, they can do their own chores and buy and prepare their own food. Either way the aim should be education, as you did when raising them this now continues to showing them how to become independant even if they are living at home. Their next step will be flat sharing and this will prepare them better for that, otherwise they are likely to turn out as the nightmare flatmate who doesn't clean up, steals the food from your fridge and never pays their share of the bills.

There's still enough uni bar drinks offers for them to get smashed even if they are £20 down a week!

madanna

at £20/ wk this is a contribution to the household. i truly think if she can find it as cheap elsewhere she should go! :eek:cheapest house shares on these flat sharing websites start at £50 a week, plus bills and food. maybe it's time to explain how much living costs are and how much we each need to earn to support ourselves and our lifestyles? i also agree with the others pay £20 now or it's £30 once she starts to pay & charge her arrears. :jkeep a debt tally on the fridge. reality is rather hard, but my teens at 16 & 17 have been having these cost of living lectures for the last few years or so. they realise that they need an income minimum of £12k p.a. to house share, bills, food etc. they've realised the minimum wage is not one they want to be on for long if they can find a job.:) get studying, and get studying hard. earn as you learn & pay your own way through college - that's what my boys have been told.:rotfl:

zeegoman

Forget the nonsense about learning value of money. I f you need the money then she should contribute. Deduct the £20 in kind if she won't play ball. The cost in kind of your bed and board, etc. probably come to way more than she would be entitled to if she was on maximum support.

Lexis200

Flibbertygibbet wrote: »

IF you can save some of the contribution, when she is looking for a deposit for her own accomodation, give her those savings. I charged all three of my earning adults. The two eldest paid begrudgingly and got everything back as deposits for their homes, the youngest wouldnt and got nothing to set himself up.

I just wanted to say that this seems like a brilliant idea, and assuming when the time comes our situation allows for it, I will be doing exactly the same!

moggymutt

You are being very kind by asking her to only pay £20. She is the one who is disrespecting you.

Realistically you are not going to chuck her out, but feed her baked beans on toast and make sure she has no heating in her room unless she learns to appreciate the true cost of what it takes to keep a warm roof over her well fed head.