Real-life MMD: Should student daughter contribute?

iclayt

Guilt trips worked on me!

I think cries of "she pays up or gets out!" are a little harsh - this isn't a rental agreement after all, more a sensible way of running a household with both adults contributing. One is only just an adult and obviously has no idea of the realities of the world quite yet. When you become a student and have lots of money all of a sudden, it's very hard not to get excited about this, wildly impractical, and have no idea how to spend it other than on shiny things.

Don't let it turn into a battle, try to do it calmly and quietly, but explain how much you're struggling to cover her living costs and would really value a contribution from her while times are hard. Explain you understand it's HER grant, but unfortunately you're having to stretch YOUR money to cover both of you and it won't last forever, because now that she's an ADULT you no longer get your CHILD tax credit.

An empty fridge a few nights in a row, letting the gas run out mid shower (if you're on a meter), constantly switching everything off because you can't afford the electric (modem was a popular one in my house - I am talking from experience as being the selfish 'child') are all good guilt trips.

Reasoning with her that 'rent' elsewhere will cost more wont necessarily work because I suspect you have no intention of kicking her out to find out. It needs to be clear this is a contribution based on your struggle due to lack of money, not cos she'd have a less cushy deal elsewhere - because you're not going to throw her out, so it's a pointless threat.

Failing that, show her the responses on this board...

BNT

Lula_Pace wrote: »

I think the worst thing to do is to start playing these little mind games where you don't buy food for her or stop doing chores. That will quickly lead to anger and resentment and things like money shouldn't come between family in such a way.

She's still young and she has plenty of time to mature. In the mean time, just go easy and be respectful. She will learn to respect you back.

I don't see that as mind games. It's the logical consequence of a discussion and decisions:

- I want you to contribute to living here.
- I'm not going to
- I'm not going to kick you out, but I can't afford to [buy your food/do your laundry/delete or add as appropriate]

If you don't follow through on what you say then you are not being respectful.

To me, mind games suggest some kind of manipulation and carry a negative connotation. If you see that as mind games you are either more sensitive than most or our definitions differ.

pinkpanther22

I'm sorry, but if she thinks she's old enough to be an "adult"then she's old enough to behave like one - ie contribute to the bills andaccept the responsibilities that come with being an adult. Exactly how else isshe supposed to learn about the value of money (which she obviously doesn't yetotherwise she would have already paid up by now). She needs to learn she can'thave her cake and eat it.

The sense of entitlement so many so-called young adults seem to have thesedays is beyond belief.

TigerJanie

By the time I was in uni I was having to support myself after leaving home at 17. Teenagers never know how good they have it until they have to do it all them selves. Of course she should pay the student grant is for living on partying.

amberand

I actually think you are selfish to be honest.

My parents couldn't afford to support me financially but whether I was at home just during the holidays or when I was studying from home my Mother never asked for rent until I started earning a proper wage.

I was still classed as a dependant, council tax wasn't affected and ok so there are bills to pay - work out really how much of that you would spend anyway.

You daughter won't get half as much financial support from the government as she is choosing to live at home - in my first year alone I had to pay 96p/w, £500 deposit and £200 retainer for bills - this then didn't cover the cost of food or school supplies and as important the social side of university.

I had to work through Uni to survive - and I'm still suffering 4 years into a professional job, I can't afford a mortgage or any of the other things I dreamed of whilst at Uni.

Support your child for a little longer and stop moaning - when it comes to it, she graduates and gets a job then ask for the money. Maybe you should have planned with your child a little bit better for their aspirations.

rob_s0

Absolutely. If she's old enough to earn, she's old enough to learn how the real world works. £20 a week is an absolute steal, and still leaves her with nearly £100.

She wouldn't even be going to university had you not nurtured her and spent the last 18 years making sure she would be in a position to get to university, so don't let her get away with it!

When I was her age, I was paying more than £20 a week and that's going back nearly ten years, I think she has no idea what a cushy deal you're offering her.

mr-mixalot

Damn right she should pay, I started paying board as soon as I started working over 20 years ago, gave my mum £75 per week no questions asked

She did my cooking, cleaning and ironing as well as countless other things which I haven't even paid her back for

Sounds harsh but your daughter needs a kick up the backside and dose of reality

Alternatively, dont cook her any food or do any of her washing ironing etc, tell her she will have to take responsibility for these things from now on

Lets she how long she will last

amberand

oh and legally you can't kick her out - she has a legal right to reside there - it is the same reason a child of age has to sign a contract of sale of a house to say they will leave the house on exchange

Ladylyn

I have three adult children all of whom were expected to make a contribution to their keep as they got jobs. It's an uphill struggle to make them understand the 'ways of the world'. Write a charge list up for her ie. washing £5.00 per week, Cleaning £5.00 per week, food, transport, use of services (elec gas water), room rent, etc. and most importantly STICK TO IT! It will drive you mad in the begining but your daughter needs to learn like the rest of us mortals that nothing is free in life. Good Luck :A

tabbycat2k

If it just the two of you, you could show her all the bills and ask if she'd like to pay half? How much does she spend on her mobile phone. HOw much have you supported her financially up to now. If it's just you and your daughter, you will be paying full council tax, whereas if she wasn't there, you'd get 25% off. I was lucky. Years ago, when I still lived at home, the deal was I paid 20% of my take home pay - when I got a rise, my parents got a rise. I felt like I was paying my way - found out later of course how much it REALLY costs!!!!!. I think that needs to be part of the conversation - she isn't really being very fair to you.... which is why some people here are a bit upset on your behalf. It is, I believe, a parent's job to teach the realities of life including amongst others finance and the importance of treating others fairly. Oh and it IS her home, but it's your house!!! Good luck.