Real-life MMD: Should student daughter contribute?

prowla

Not if she is in full-time education.

cazpost

Of course she should give you a contribution to the costs,I don't think there is any doubt about that.I would sit down with her, go through all the household bills so she can see exactly what everything costs,take her food shopping so she can see how much that is,find out prices of alternative accomadation,
Uni Halls etc and let her realise for herself what a bargain she is getting. If it was me I would have started this process a few years ago.
My parents divorced when I was young,and Mum had a full time job and 2 part time ones to keep me and my brother fed,clothed etc.We were both well aware of the situation,did all sorts of chores,including the weekly shopping and did not have any issues about giving Mum money once we started earning.The sooner young people understand about the realities of life the better.

tenuissent

It's difficult, isn't it? I remember at 17 or 18 getting a part time hotel job before becoming a student, and being shocked when my mother suggested I gave her some of the money towards household expenses. I did have a sense of entitlement! I couldn't believe that "MY" home was something I should pay for, and I didn't, and the subject was dropped.

Going 500 miles away as a student, of course I had to pay my way, and well knew the value of money. But at home in the holidays I genuinely expected to be looked after free as before. I am ashamed of it now.

But I have to say that when my own adult children and their families come to stay now, I don't ask them for anything, and take a pride in offering good meals and comfortable beds.

It's a very difficult point to make, after 17 years of looking after a child.

Could you charge her £20 for the use of the front door key that she presumably has? Might this be a slightly less painful discussion?

ffflover

Been here, done this and had exactly the same reaction from teenage daughter! Yes she definitely should contribute. I suggested mine see if she could find somewhere cheaper than £20pw for rent, gas, electric, water, food and cleaning services for less. She soon realised that was an immpossibility.

shop-to-drop

I agree and follow through. It would do her good to move out and have to fend for herself by the sounds of it. At 18 she really should be more adult and less selfish.

joannie

Absolutely, she should pay.

Just tell her she is paying or she is out. Time for her to grow up.

shamylla

My god - it seems like most people on this thread are treating their children like lodgers!!! This is not a business deal they are your kids!

Whilst at university I lived away from home, i got a loan to pay for my accomodation and worked part time to pay for food, stationery and my social life. I tried to send money home to my mum (who is also a single parent) whenever i could - not because i was asked to or felt like my mother thought it was a responsibility of mine but becasue i WANTED to.

If your daughter is living at home she is getting less of a loan then those that live in halls - living at home is taken into consideration when giving out grants & loans. So yes this is HER money and it is wrong of you to think otherwise.

I have now completed university and am working - since working i have helped my mum upgrade to house to get her dream house and bought her a luxury car. I contribute to pay 75% of the mortgage - why - because i now earn and am in a position to do so not because i feel like it is exoected of me. At univesity my single mother of 4 supported me when i needed cash even if it meant cutting back at home because thats what mothers do!

i would never live at home thinking i owed my mother rent or i needed to pay her to do my washing as some posts suggest! thats ridiculous! My mothers home IS MY HOME!!! There will be a point she will become an independent adult she will have the decision to make to support you or not. If your basis of charging her money is because she is living with you and you provide her with food and pay the bills then when she does finally move out this argument no longer stands. And i am sure that you would still want your child to support you when she in a professional job.

think of it like this, if you were a pensioner living with your child in HER home would you pay her for the mortgage / food / bills she pays out of your pension. NO!!! you would have an expectation that the roles have now reversed! You as a mother had done your part of taking care of your child and now its your child turn to take care of you! This is the same!

If things are REALLY that bad - then yes as one of the above posts suggests talk to her as an adult. Not with an expectation that this is something she should do! but as someone you see as a partner to help you out as if she is willing to! Reason with her. If no luck then start making cut backs in other areas! the last thing you want to do is get your daughter to resent you and make her regret the decision to stay at home for university! Its only a matter of time before she moves out so put up with it for the short term.

cuba2008

Of course she should pay something towards her keep. Bearing in mind how much grant and wages she is bringing in I would actually have thought £30 would be nearer the mark. I was a single parent when my (now adult and married) daughter was at college. She always had a part time job and also received her EMA so it wasn't unreasonable to expect her to contribute something to the household expenses - luckily we never had any arguments about this as she understood I couldn't afford to pay for everything without help. However, she also knew that, if for some reason she was short of cash, I would lend her the odd tenner until she got paid. The bottom line is your daughter is using the facilities available. Even if she cooks for herself and does her own laundry, it isn't free. Someone has to pay the bills. I agree with others who say you suggest she looks for accommodation elsewhere if she isn't prepared to contribute. I'm pretty sure she will quickly realise you are offering her a really good deal. As for amberand's suggestion your daughter has a legal right to reside in YOUR home - not true. The reason anyone over the age of 18 is expected to sign to say they will move out when a property is being sold is they could be deemed to have a financial interest in the property if, for instance, they have paid towards any mortgage repayments. Clearly not the case when the 18 year old in question is a student and isn't contributing a penny.

Bzz_2

I genuinely don’t understand the attitude of your daughter. I feel almost as sorry for her as I do for you because clearly she doesn’t seem prepared to face adulthood and the realities of living. You are not asking for her “keep” you are just asking that she contribute the amount you lost from the child benefit from the grant she has been given specifically to help towards her living expenses.

At 16 I took a part time job paying £15 per week – from this I volunteered £5 to my parents. It wasn’t a lot of money, but they appreciated the gesture greatly and it made me feel like I was contributing. I also helped look after my younger siblings and took my turn at cooking the evening meals. When I stated full time work I bought home less than your daughter (around £350pm) from which I gave £120 for my keep - 25 years ago and that was almost £10pw more than you are asking. I still had plenty of spending money – probably more than you or I do now!

All this made me feel worthwhile and prepared for when I moved out of home. I think it would help if you could share with your daughter the true costs of running a house. Maybe she was just caught of guard when you mentioned this, and will see how unreasonable she has been?

pipsqeak

Saying pay up or vacate will teach her more than university ever will, and given she accepts to pay, after a short time it will have also cemented a more loving relationship. After all, why should she bag the spending money!