In the words of Yazz...

*Robin*

Fudgefund wrote: »

I was totally convinced me and the ex could be friends

..Some time in the future, maybe - but you need space away from him while you find out who you want to be (if that makes sense?).

Fudgefund wrote: »

I didn't tell him I'd given up alcohol, and as far as he would have seen, I only had one small glass of wine. I didn't tell him I picked up a bottle of wine on the way home. It comes back to my recent realisation that I am obsessed with only putting on a really happy, capable face around him.

Says a lot that you don't feel confident in being open and honest with him.. To be fair, you can hardly expect his support and encouragement if he doesn't know [that you're trying not to drink].

Fudgefund wrote: »

If I told him I don't drink anymore, it would suggest I have a problem.

Sorry I think the opposite is true.. (You have a problem because you can't tell him you don't drink any more).

Fudgefund wrote: »

I love the list, going to write it out in big letters. It'll cheer my room up a bit.

Yeah, big letters, bright colours and happy doodles round the edges..

ETA: Don't beat yourself up over an evening's back-sliding. We all do it <she said with a bucket of xmas-stash maltesers at her elbow, getting emptier by the minute > ..and the lesson is; we all repeat the lesson until we 'get it'! So it goes and that's ok 'coz none of us are perfect. We'll all beat our demons if we keep trying.

mumsiemum

*Robin* wrote: »

<she said with a bucket of xmas-stash maltesers at her elbow, getting emptier by the minute >

Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom love em!

Fudgefund

Thanks for posting Robin, I was going to quote you, but I've decided it'll be easier to summarise a response.

It definitely says a lot I can't be open with the ex, but since he basically told me he'd consider making another go of it if I sorted myself out, I feel like I can't wobble around him at all. It's probably not what he intended but it's the way I took it. I know full well I have a problem with alcohol, so does he really, but again I want him to think I'm a really sorted person. I know this is totally nuts, as I'm not but I'm trying to be, so I need to stay away. Hope that makes sense, it doesn't read well! I also love Maltesers. Well, pretty much any chocolate.

My update today is positive, hooray! I have been really down for about a week but today I feel a lot better. I've managed to sort my room out a bit, and do some washing and other boring things like that. I haven't had any alcohol since Thursday's mistake, and I haven't been texting anyone I shouldn't be. I went for a nose around some European markets yesterday but it wasn't a particularly cheerful affair. I kept thinking about all the things that happened last year which set off my illness and it peed it down with rain the whole time. I did find 5p on a train though. :rotfl:

In practical terms, I've got about £9 to last me to payday on Friday. I know this seems scary but I have food in (bought rolls and yogurts today for £2, the weightwatchers ones I bought last week were so vile I've had to chuck them. I've rechristened them 'NOgurts'.) Everyday I manage to walk to work will save me 90p, so that is my plan, and everytime I have saved 90p, I will treat myself to something like a chocolate bar.

I got my credit card statement yesterday, interest this month is £59.70, which I'm pleased with. Last month it was £72.99, so definitely going in the right direction. I know it's weird, but I've almost managed to ignore interest in the past. I honestly didn't consider this money I paid out every month. Now I'm thinking '£88 for nothing, how rubbish'. :mad: I know, it took me a hilariously long time to cotton on. Target for next month to get in the £40s (not including overdraft, obv.).

Hope no one's Monday is too traumatic. xx

*Robin*

'Morning Fudgie, Happy Monday :hello:

Fudgefund wrote: »

It definitely says a lot I can't be open with the ex, but since he basically told me he'd consider making another go of it if I sorted myself out, I feel like I can't wobble around him at all. It's probably not what he intended but it's the way I took it. I know full well I have a problem with alcohol, so does he really, but again I want him to think I'm a really sorted person.

Sorry but I just can't follow the logic here. If this guy really cared about you, he'd realise the damage booze does to your head - therefore would be pleased you want to stop drinking as that will go a very long way towards "sorting yourself out".
Being afraid to "wobble around him" is awful - if you can't relax when you're with your [potential] partner then it's hardly an equal or healthy relationship.

So I think you're right to [mostly] stay away from him. Am sure he's got good points to his character as well, but his comment that I've bolded above would have me running for the hills!

Fudgefund wrote: »

My update today is positive, hooray! I have been really down for about a week but today I feel a lot better. I've managed to sort my room out a bit, and do some washing and other boring things like that. I haven't had any alcohol since Thursday's mistake, and I haven't been texting anyone I shouldn't be.

:T :T :T

Fudgefund wrote: »

I also love Maltesers. Well, pretty much any chocolate.

Snap! ..Chocolate is my down-fall. Due to the season I have far too much of the stuff in stock at the moment; all good deals from the boat that were intended as gifts - ma!tesers are a rare treat here (the local version just isn't as good). Think it's time the surviving bucket [and the giant tob!erones] were wrapped up and labelled!

Good luck with sticking to your budget this week; will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Fudgefund wrote: »

I got my credit card statement yesterday, interest this month is £59.70, which I'm pleased with. Last month it was £72.99, so definitely going in the right direction. I know it's weird, but I've almost managed to ignore interest in the past. I honestly didn't consider this money I paid out every month. Now I'm thinking '£88 for nothing, how rubbish'. :mad: I know, it took me a hilariously long time to cotton on. Target for next month to get in the £40s (not including overdraft, obv.).

Know exactly how you feel here; the interest on my CCs was over £150pcm just before my LBM finally arrived - it is so satisfying seeing it come down when you're working on it..

Fudgefund wrote: »

Hope no one's Monday is too traumatic. xx

..I share your hope!

Fudgefund

Hiya Robin :A

I know what you mean about all the ex stuff, it really does come back to the fact the break up was so squarely my fault for reasons I won't go into, so I feel like I could take a lot. But actually, I can't take a lot so I'm putting the space in place. I know there's lots wrong here, but that's why I'm in therapy. I can't post a lifetime's issues here, it'd be horrendous for everyone. :rotfl:

So... onto my update, the good news is, I'm still in a good mood! :eek: I had a good day today, I got up and walked to work which was an achievement, it's flipping cold. I was worried I'd have to get a day bus ticket for work reasons, and would have to admit I couldn't afford £3.90, but then the trip out of the office was cancelled. Phew. My friend took me for a hot chocolate and paid, so I will get her one next week, and it was a really nice hour. Finished work and went straight to two more friends' who gave me the usual for vegetable Tuesday. They then gave me some leftover veggie bolognese so I can heat that up at work tomorrow and save my rolls. I love my friends.

If I walk to work tomorrow and Thursday I'll have £2.71 left over from the week. But I don't want to get ahead of myself because I seem to have developed the hip joint of an octogenarian. Two more days before I get paid and the excitement is mounting. :j Apart from 90p on the train today, no other spends.

mumsiemum

Hi Fudge

Money left over!! Wow you are doing really well! I'm glad you are feeling happier too.

MM

Fudgefund

Thanks MM, been following your list. I like the bit about concentrating on achievements - I'm always thinking about my failures!

Another good day to report, another good mood. I walked to work again, managed to only eat the food I had with me including my leftovers bolognese, and then got the train home. I'm not sure if I should confess this, but for the first time since I was a student I didn't pay to get home. I usually buy a cheap evening return for 90p but no one ever looks at it, so I skipped it. My heart was going ten to the dozen for the entire length of the 5 minute journey so I won't be doing it again, for 90p it's not worth the stress! But I have had a very rare for me NSD. Hope no ticket inspectors are reading this.

I also randomly found 70p at the bottom of my handbag, so all round I've had a very good MSE day. Incredibly, with only one day until payday I've got £5.21 in my purse. If I just spend 90p tomorrow I'll have £4.31 left. Not sure how this happened, but I'm so pleased!

AF for a week today as well.

brizzledfw

Hi there FudgeFund..have just read all your dairy and have to say you are doing wonderfully. Your ability to pick yourself up each time and then keep on truckin' is pretty awesome. Well done.

I too am trying to avoid alcohol. Just feel I get on better without it. it's cheaper and I am usually burning the candle at both ends, what with work, family etc that alcohol just exacerbates that. I have some great bottles of ginger beer which make me feel like I am having a drink, but of course it's a soft one!

Will subscribe and carry on cheer leading you on your way xx

Yeah..got a post in just before they close the site..how could they do that to me!!! :-(

Fudgefund

Thanks Brizzle, so nice of you to say! I guess a lot of the keep picking myself up is just a sheer absence of other alternatives but I can feel that I'm starting to get somewhere, which is a good feeling. I'd love a cheerleader, I could do with keeping you in the stationary cupboard at work. :j<--- This would be the kind of move I'd be expecting.

I was asleep for the forum downtime, but I feel your pain. The forum crashed a few weeks ago unexpectedly and I was really bored without it.

I got paid yesterday, which was very exciting. I finished Thursday with £2.51 in the end, I took the train to work because I was so tired and that was £1.80, cancelling out my ill gotten gain of 90p the night before. I also bought some bread rolls thinking that would be cheaper than not doing that and ending up buying a meal deal for lunch at work. You know you're an MSE convert when you are thinking things like that I think.

I went in big and bold with my credit card overpayment this month - £659.70. When I was paying it off I really realised how much money that actually is. I paid off the same last month (albeit some to my Mum) so it should be fine, and I won't need to worry about overpaying. This puts my credit card at £2500. Sometimes I log into the big BC just to look at the figure fondly. Next month there'll be a one in front which will be amazing!

I didn't go mad spending yesterday, all I bought was some chocolates for £3 and some mince pies for the office as a bit of a Christmas treat (they have unwittingly sometimes provided my only meal of the day over the past few months so it's nice to give something back). Today I went for the big Christmas shop. :eek: I had lunch at home and walked into town (didn't save any money, but good exercise) and was confronted by hoardes of harried looking shoppers. I actually at one point spent 20 minutes in a queue in the Disney Store that snaked right the way round the shop! I enjoyed looking at the stuff though, so it wasn't all bad. I've now broken the back of the shopping, just a few more bigs to get. I am a bit over budget though. To be honest I'm not really surprised about that, I did try but sometimes things are a little bit more. I'm going to try and keep to £40 spends this week to make up the shortfall, should be easy enough. I'm also hoping my week at home will be cheap as I'll have no transport or food costs and everyone knows I'm broke.

I'm STILL in a good mood and have now embraced the Christmas spirit! I was determined to be a misery but I've decided people look to me for cheer at this time of year and I need to get on with it. :rotfl:Cannot wait to go home and see my family.

Off to a party dressed as an elf tonight! :xmassmile

please-let-me-be-lucky

Massive well done on still having money left by payday and paying down the credit card. I look at my balances fondly too :rotfl:.

Hope the elf behaved herself last night Xx