In the words of Yazz...

Fudgefund

Hi all,

I did have a diary prior to this one, but it seemed unbearably depressing to resurrect it, so I've just started a new one instead.

Back then I was cruising along in life, £5000 in debt with a nice flat and boyfriend but then, like an impending train collision, I got ill again. I have suffered from bi-polar disorder for about 10 years, and it seems to pop up to say hello about every four years. I realised I was getting depressed in January of this year, but the NHS were not very helpful and I lacked the motivation to go after them. So as the year progressed I became worse and worse until a complete meltdown over the summer when I was signed off work, stupidly broke up with my boyfriend and went on a bit of a rampage, spending a lot of money I didn't have and generally being the lunatic that I am.

I have had some extremely low moments in the past two months but I have now decided the only way is up. I have spent a lot of time crying over my capacity to ruin my life every four years, but it's getting me nowhere. I have moved into a room in a house for £200 all bills included, so while I feel a bit lonely I have plenty of money to go after my debts with. My lovely Dad have paid £4000 off my Barclaycard to give me a hand, and I'm going to pay him back after everything else. I'm trying very hard to get over the relationship and realise that if someone can't put up with me when I've gone a bit crazy they probably weren't in it for the long haul anyway!

I'm hoping this diary will keep me on track, keep me focussed, and keep me away from Monsoon.

As for the figures -

I owe Barclaycard £3960.99
I have an overdraft of £1950
I owe my long suffering Dad £4000

I earn £1322 a month, and my outgoings are £200 for rent and bills, £47 for my phone (no way out of the contract) and £25 for the interest on my overdraft.

I know this may seem a walk in the park compared to some of the people on here and I do realise things could be a lot worse. I'm really here to monitor my moods, and try and keep moving forward. Hoping to put £500 a month to my card and cut back on other things I don't need.

FF x

*Robin*

Hello Fudge, :wave:
Welcome back to MSE Diaries board.

You obviously know why you're getting into trouble periodically, so my first question is; do you take your medication regularly, come what may? If not, you probably have no idea how difficult it is for anyone who's close to you to deal with your BP - I think you're a bit unfair to shift the blame onto your boyfriend for not sticking with you.
My guess is that he couldn't see any other way of getting you to understand that your behaviour was impossible to live with.

Most of the BP people I've had to deal with were undiagnosed; sent to us for a cheap holiday by mutual friends in the hope that a break would sort out their problems. Which it never did, of course (and left me trying to sort out emergency treatment in a language the sufferer could not understand - I had to develop a certain expertise to help these visitors).
I do understand that BP meds can have some unpleasant side-effects but honestly, many folk have to put up with minor hassles to get major improvements that the meds will give. One advantage of taking your meds continuously is that you will avoid the problem of "the NHS not being very helpful" as your doctor will see you regularly to keep a check on your dosage.

It looks like you've got yourself into a good place from which to improve; very well done indeed on managing to keep working and finding such a cheap place to live, you should be able to pay down your debts successfully as you have a fair amount of cash left over every month. As you've had a diary before, I guess you know how satisfying that is.

I wish you the very best of luck on your journey and look forward to applauding your gains, and will be here to listen when you have frustrating moments - which you will get through; the fact that you've posted convinces me that you are indeed, on your way up now (subscribed).

beanielou

Fudge
I look forward to sharing your journey on the debt free trail with you.
Keep plodding & keep posting.

Heffi1

Fudgefund wrote: »

I'm trying very hard to get over the relationship and realise that if someone can't put up with me when I've gone a bit crazy they probably weren't in it for the long haul anyway!


FF x

Well done on posting and for realising early on that he was not the one for you. It may hurt for a while, but you will be stronger because of it, I shall follow you so you can have a moan whenever you feel like it, sometimes it is good to get it out.

Good luck on clearing the debt, you seem to have a good plan, but watch for your mood, as you already seem to know the signs of becoming unwell again.

Fudgefund

Thanks for the replies you three! Before I go ahead with my update I'll address several points:

I really didn't mean my post to come across that I was shifting any of the blame for the demise of my relationship on my ex; indeed I am all too aware it was my fault. All I really meant was, the breakup highlighted for me that perhaps we weren't suited long term to deal with life's problems together. It still makes me enormously sad, so that's the attitude I'm taking.

I think after my last episode four years ago, I had a lot of therapy and really thought I'd beaten my demons and was living a normal life at last. I now realise at 29 that this is something to be managed all my life and I'm taking steps to do that.

Thanks Heffi1 for your post, it does hurt at the moment, you're right, but I'm pulling through it by trying to get my ducks in a row.

Soo... onto my debt busting. I haven't made any headway since my first post, but only because I haven't been paid yet and I've been surviving on next to nothing until Friday. I was postively in raptures today when I discovered 20p at the bottom of my handbag, so you get the idea.

Happily, there have been a spate of birthdays in my office, so there has been plenty of free cake to subsidise my meals and cheer me up a bit. I am actually trying to lose weight, and the poverty diet is certainly helping, but if Mary Berry says a slice of cake does no harm, I'm happy to take her word for it.

When I get paid on Saturday I will do my best not to have my usual pay day weekend of spending, and try to pretend it's not there. I need some boots for winter, my feet keep getting wet and I'm sick of walking around feeling like I have trench foot (whatever that may be). I have a Monsoon £30 loyalty voucher to spend, so maybe that could go towards a pair. A lot of my deb was spent getting my £30 voucher, I really should do something sensible with it. Redress the balance. By about 1%

Patman_Post

Hi there Fudge,

Just read the start of your diary. Didn't want to read & run - as a fellow BP sufferer - I know how much it has taken for you to get this far.

I would just like you to know - that I have been exactly where you are at the moment. I separated from the missus, moved into a room in a shared house, loads of time off work whilst we got my medication and support network sorted. This was at its worst about 5 years ago - when simply opening the front door was a step too far.

I just wanted you to know that Yazz did get it right - 'UP' is the only way, baby. Although BP rarely disappears completely - you can learn to manage it. Please keep seeing your GP, the meds they can prescribe can help different sufferers in different ways. so if yours aren't working, ask about alternatives. I find it best to understand the triggers that bring on my attacks. It doesn't stop the attacks, but it does allow me to manage them a whole lot better. You can better understand the triggers with the help from all of the counselling available - make sure you talk about it with anyone who will listen. Your Dad sounds like he will try to help in anyway he can - maybe talk things through with him first.

Anyway - I just thought I would drop in to keep you company and offer any support I can.

Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you have been up to

Fudgefund

Hi Patman Post

Thanks so much for that message, I really did appreciate it, it's nice to know I'm not alone and someone knows how I feel. I know a period of stress within the family set all this off - so I'll be looking out for anything like that in the future. I'm also under a Psychiatrist and trying different drugs so I'm really hopeful this is the start of a new me. I know it's clich!, but I'm really lucky with the people I have around me, I don't think I'd have got through all this without them.

I am trying to smile at people, but I have an unfortunate habit of mouthing along to song lyrics at the same time so I look completely crazy! I shall be working on this.

Debt news - not much really, I confessed to one of my friends that I haven't been able to afford much to eat this week so she took me to Tesco and bought me a few bits which I'm so grateful for. I can't wait until I can stop being such a burden on people. I can't wait to get paid on Saturday!

Fudgefund

Good morning MSE!

I am in a tremendously good mood today because I have finally been paid, and I can't remember a time when I was this excited about it. In fact, I sprang out of bed this morning to perform a small dance around my bedroom. It looked proposterous no doubt, but the teddies aren't in a position to say anything unless Toy Story was true. So, roll out the jumpy things...:j:j:j

My Dad took my credit card off me (which I obviously appreciate and think was a 100% good idea) and I was down to my last 6p, so I'm a bit giddy. I've paid £400.99p off Barclayard already (I had to knock the 99p off, it was annoying me). I was going to pay off the full £500, but I've decided to keep the £100 back until the middle of the month in case anything happens and I'm paddless in a stream of hungryness and sadness. After the hungryness of this week, never again. I now have to get going on my £70 a week plan, and buy some cheap train tickets to get home in November. I'm hoping to have some spare money to throw at my debts at the end of the month, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Off to have a cheap weekend now.

Happy Saturday everyone!

beanielou

Good news on getting paid
As you say Happy Saturday

Mockingjay

Subscribed!!

Fudgefund

Quick update now I have something to report:

Went into Monsoon, £30 voucher in hand and got a pair of boots for £55. I had budgeted £65, so that is £10 in the bank. I managed not to look at all the lovely dresses and kept my game face on.
Managed to get my train tickets home for £38 by being super flexible, but not being so flexible I'm getting in for 1am (who the hell?). I'd budgeted £60 there so that's a good saving too.

Getting to the point already where I can knock that £60 off my card. I'd never have done this a few months ago, so silly.

With my £70 in my purse I bought some much needed tights (holey toes drive me to distraction) and made up a jiffy bag for my niece and nephew who are one and three. The three year old thinks the post is magical, so I sent him my copy of Toy Story 3 I'd been meaning to send for ages, and a few sweets. Sent it second class saving me 50p and I still have £53 for the week. The good mood is still in tact.