In the words of Yazz...

Fudgefund

Thanks Beanielou. I keep thinking 'fall down seven times, stand up eight' in my mind when I screw something up, it's become a part of my thought pattern.

I do not have much of interest to report today, I'm annoyed with myself because it was very nearly a NSD, and then it wasn't. I slept terribly last night, couldn't stop thinking about things and finally dropped off somewhere around the half four mark. I made it through the day at work despite nearly nodding off at my desk, and then on the way home bought a packet of liquorice allsorts for £1.54 and scoffed the lot! I felt very ill afterwards and it was an immeasurably stupid thing to do. I've also had a nap, so that's not good either.

Tomorrow I think the plan has to be to not eat any sweets and to only spend whatever it's going to cost me to have a coffee with a friend. There are so many things I need to do at the moment which remain undone I feel a big list coming on. Starting with plenty of washing. I'm down to my apple catchers. :rotfl:

beanielou

It's a great manta isent it?
Dont beat yourself up too much about the sweets.

Fudgefund

And thus, another miserable day draws to an end. I'm genuinely torn what to do, I've lived in the same place for over ten years and always loved it, but now everything seems so awful I'm not sure that I wouldn't be better off moving home to be nearer my family.

I've still got all the same friends, and they've all been great, but I just feel so lonely all the time. I can't say I feel much better for the medication I'm on and I got a hilarious letter from the NHS today asking if I want to stay on the same waiting list for therapy I was on before I ruined my life. I don't know whether to stay and hope things get better, or to just make a fresh start somewhere else.

I could really do with staying in my current job until I've paid off my debts, and in my current living situation, but I'm not sure I'm going to make it through the winter in a room where the exterior wall is actually wet. I think I'm going to mull it over through December and try to decide by NYE. I can't wait to say goodbye to 2012!

In money news, I spent £1 on a cake for my friends who made me tea today, and I spent £2.40 on a coffee with a friend. I found 4p in a self serve checkout, so I was very pleased with my find. Unfortunately I also sponsored my friend for Movember because he looks SO awful with a moustache, but it is for charity and I haven't given anything for a while. I'm doing very well taking my lunch to work this week, and have been greatly enjoying marmite sandwiches.

The truly good news is that I didn't eat any sweets today, and my only treat was a Mr Kipling Country Slice. I'm a great lover of the satsuma but I am struggling to find any nice ones, if only I could I would forgo all the chocolate in the land. Maybe.

*Robin*

Just for you, Fudgie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvMpltsBb8U


xx

beanielou

Remember the mantra~Fall down seven,stand up eight.
Keep plodding xx

Fudgefund

Thanks Robin. People falling over shouldn't be funny, but it is. I've yet to meet anyone who can explain why we evolved in such a peculiar manner.

And thanks Beanielou, you're very good at the words of encouragement! :A

I'm actually in a much better mood all round today, I'm not sure if it's the alcohol leaving my system or what, nothing has really changed. I had a very uneventful day at work, forked out for a haircut (but I am very pleased with it) and then went home. I ventured out to Tesco for some more Curly Wurlys (I know, I know) and ran into a friend who invited me back for a cup of tea. All these little things cheer me up. My Mum and my Dad both rang this evening and despite the cold my little room is quite toasty. I also had quite an amusing chat with one of my housemates who I don't really speak to, so that was good too.

I realised today that I get paid a day early next month so that pleased me, and I have to say I'm surprised how quickly the midpoint of my pay month has come round. I'm even more surprised I've actually got some money to live on. :rotfl:Prior to my LBM, this is around the time the groceries would start going onto my credit card. I've just paid another £20 off my Barclaycard, so that leaves £40 to find by the 15th.

My change pot is now up to £7.67, so hopefully I can get that to £10 and then it'll only be thirty to find. :T

Truly, I have no idea where my money used to go.

please-let-me-be-lucky

Good to hear you sounding more positive Xx

MuffinTops

Hello FF,

Isn't it great that you've not just turned things around with money, you've reversed things to the most positive. Instead of adding more debt to your credit card this time of the month you're actually paying more off! Brilliant!

You sound like you're doing well mostly and that's good to hear. I think it's that you've really mastered the Fall Down 7, Stand Up 8 as when you're down it doesn't last long. You seem to be able to drag yourself back up again.

With regards to moving, can I just say that you mentioned before that your family don't always get what's going on as they don't share your health issues. So if a clean slate is needed then maybe you could think about moving somewhere between where you are now (keeping the friends you have very accessible as well as the job you're doing potentially) and where your family are (to turn to when you need them in person) with a fresh start of making new friends too? I don't know the distance between your family and you now so that may be completely unworkable!

Two weeks to find £30 isn't too scary. I hope you get there. xx

*Robin*

Hello Fudgie, :hello:

Fudgefund wrote: »

Thanks Robin. People falling over shouldn't be funny, but it is. I've yet to meet anyone who can explain why we evolved in such a peculiar manner.

Erm, am not sure we have the mental capacity to understand the really big questions - but hang around Oxbridge academics for a lifetime if you want to hear theories.. (Actually; don't bother, just live your life the best you can - it'll be much more fun and you'll discover the answers, or not, at exactly the same time as everyone else!).

Fudgefund wrote: »

I'm actually in a much better mood all round today, I'm not sure if it's the alcohol leaving my system or what, nothing has really changed.

Lots of booze last weekend, it's now Thursday - sounds about right that your liver has got rid of the poisons by now. You do know that alcohol is a depressant (after the drunken high wears off)?
It's a good sign that your mood has come back up so quickly.

Fudgie do you know anyone else who [admits they] have BP? I'd be surprised if you didn't as it's not that uncommon. You can learn a lot by watching them - and reading back over your own diary of course - because you'll find the swings easier to cope with when you know a low or manic phase is due.

I think you're doing very well indeed; managing to work and live a successful independent life while you're coming to terms with your BP.
"Successful"? Yes, because you're sorting out your debt which is an essential stage in making your life what you'd like it to be. You're young, fit, unattached - in the words of a famous author whose humour is close to my heart; the World is your mollusc of choice! You are obviously very bright; yes BP is an inconvenience you'll have to live with all your days but you needn't let it cripple you - in fact, as long as you don't fall into the trap of deciding that your medication is no longer necessary - you're almost there, in control of it.

Yes, you'll have wobbly moments when you're low; losing confidence, thinking maybe you should move back home, wanting someone else to take charge.. If you recognise these times you can beat them - just wait until you swing back up before making any major decisions. At such times, nurture yourself by doing things you know make you feel better - go for a walk, reward yourself with a curly-wurly. Curl up under a duvet and read a good book <Mr Pratchett comes to mind again> - lose yourself in it to blot out those despairing thoughts.

As the patterns emerge so will the triggers that affect your mood. Learn to know yourself; what you should encourage and what you should avoid.
You're already doing it: Walking more is good. Drinking alcohol is bad.

I have observed that BP people do not seem to have the internal switch that says "you've had enough booze, stop now". The successful ones among my acquaintances either do not drink at all, or trust their partner implicitly to make the decision for them (only three in the second group; all over 50 and married for many years).

On another tack: In an earlier post you mentioned that one of the walls in your room is "wet". That's not right and requires action. <wearing both Mum and Landlady hats now> You need to let the landlord know - a letter is best, sent to the 'address for serving notices' which you should find on the first page of your tenancy agreement.
Now if one of my tenants had this problem, I hope they'd at least have a look outside to see if there's an obvious crack in the guttering, or the ground is littered with chips of tile which would suggest a problem with the roof.. But whether or not there's anything obvious, he still needs to know asap.

If LL's not as good at his job and conscientious as he should be, you might have to take further action later - but for now, tell him about the problem and ask when he'll be able to send a tradesman round to look at/deal with it.

Meanwhile, keep an eye on your local Lidl and Aldi supermarkets; every so often they both sell a very reasonably priced dehumidifier which would make a big difference to your room. (I bought one to dry out a room after a washing-machine flood. Afterwards was amazed at the difference it makes to a cold room in winter even when there isn't a problem with damp).
Of course you could ask your LL to provide one, or rent one for you until the problem with the wall has been sorted out? But if he's not the best kind of LL he may refuse that request so it might be a good idea to think about getting your own, which will come in handy as long as you're renting (in fact I've provided one for my tenants, just in case they need it. Mind you, I also provide useful things like eco-gizmos that suck up the hot air trapped behind radiators and circulate it, which knocks a third off Tenants' heating bills..).
I would be appalled to learn that one of my tenants was living in a very damp room - Harry the Handyman would be dispatched immediately! ..I hope your LL is of the same ilk.

Fudgefund

MuffinTops wrote: »

With regards to moving, can I just say that you mentioned before that your family don't always get what's going on as they don't share your health issues. So if a clean slate is needed then maybe you could think about moving somewhere between where you are now (keeping the friends you have very accessible as well as the job you're doing potentially) and where your family are (to turn to when you need them in person) with a fresh start of making new friends too? I don't know the distance between your family and you now so that may be completely unworkable!

Two weeks to find £30 isn't too scary. I hope you get there. xx

Thanks MT. I do feel there's more positive days than negative days, I just wish the lows weren't quite so extreme. Now I've given up the booze I'm hoping there'll be even more of them. I certainly do have a lot of reservations about moving home, for the reasons you've mentioned, but it would be hard to strike a balance in the middle. All my friends are in the north, my family in the south with about 200 miles in between. I could move to Birmingham, give new meaning to the term 'midlands'. :rotfl: