In the words of Yazz...

Fudgefund

Today I have been attacked by a bad case of the Mondays. This is annoying because my mood had been consistently good for over a week, so it was most unwelcome to get the grumps back. :mad:

Woke up this morning and it took me ages to get out of bed, went downstairs and honestly clean forgot to make a sandwich until I was at the bus stop. This revelation was no good to me at the bus stop. Went to work, spent £1 on 4 Mars Bars, then ate two over the course of the day thinking I was money saving on a sandwich (I know, I'm a fool). Stayed at work until half six (I need to get out of flexi time debit, so this is a good thing) and got home and fell asleep. Now I'm worried I'm going to be awake half the night. I think I'm just going to write today off and start again tomorrow.

Good news - I paid the last £20 off my overpaying target for the month today, so it clears before Friday. :T I have £45 left until the 14th, so should be fine. I also sat down and thought about Christmas presents this year and realised the 8 year old step-nephew I have who is really ungrateful and rude can have a chocolate Battleships set someone mystifyingly bought me recently. That'll save me a fiver.

Fudgefund

And a bad case of the Mondays has officially turned into a bad case of the Tuesdays and Wednesdays. :mad: I hate getting low like this, I haven't drank any alcohol for nearly two weeks, I'm not anywhere near my ladies days but I'm still walking around like a cow chewing a wasp. To make matters worse, I ate loads of rubbish yesterday so I've felt even more sluggish today.

I didn't update yesterday due to being out of sorts, but I'm back today to tot up. I managed a NSD today, first one in ages! Yesterday was an altogether different showing though, I think I spent at least £4 on complete crud.

I'm going to pay my change jar into the bank tomorrow and this will enable me to take out £40 until I get paid next Friday (can't wait!). This should be plenty as I'm not doing much over the weekend, and I have food to eat. I'm going to a carol concert tomorrow which is free and should be nice and festive so no spending there either. Ideally, I'd like to have £10 over at the end, but we'll see. I would also really like to walk to work on Friday, but my success in that department is hardly legendary! I just can't wait for the next two and a half weeks to be over, and to be sitting in my Mum's house sneaking Roses from the tin. I know I shouldn't wish my life away but with Christmas round the corner I think I'll let myself off.

Fudgefund

There's no good way to say this, and I realise the majority of you will be giving up on me at this point, but I've fudged things up again. Things have gone badly awry this week and I think it's largely because of my terrible mood.

Yesterday I went to a carol concert I was supposed to be attending with a good friend, but she had to drop out because she is unwell at the moment. I still really wanted to go, so on the strength of our good outing last week, I asked my ex if he'd like to go with me. We went, it was a bit horrific, I was still really down so was ridiculously trying too hard to be cheerful and just came across as crazy. Because I so want him to think I'm back to normal I can't confess when I'm not feeling great, which just puts too much strain on me. We went for a drink after and I had a glass of wine, and was practically in tears by the end but just managed to keep it together. Having decided I'd screwed everything up by that point anyway I then bought a bottle of wine on my way home and drank it all.

So now I've got to change my alcohol free date, I just failed to make it two weeks sober and I spent money I didn't have on rubbish yesterday and today. I have £13.50 to last me until I get paid so I'll be stretching that out over the next 6 days. I do have some food in, so I've figured out at worst I'll spend £7.20 on transport, which leaves me £6.30 for any other food I may need.

The only good news is that I am now -6:42 in debit at work on flexitime. I was -12 at one point, and can only legitimately be -7, so this is a big improvement. Just need to get back to zero now.

I've gained 2 pounds from eating mince pies. The joys. :cool:

beanielou

Draw a wee line & move on.
No point in beating yourself up.

please-let-me-be-lucky

I wont be giving up on you Fudgie. You have lapsed but you know it and it was a short lapse at that. In the grand scheme of things nothing really bad happened, but you are ready to pick yourself up again and start over. That takes courage and you deserve a pat on the back for that. Xx

mumsiemum

Hi Fudge

I'm delurking as I couldn't 'read and run' your latest post.

Don't be so hard on yourself - you have and are doing so well and life chucks 'stuff' at us from time to time. I too suffer from depression (not BP) and I totally understand how this type of thing can creep up. If you have had a few days feeling low it is sooooooo hard to 'keep up the good work' especially as we never know how long our dark mood will be around.

I have found the following helpful in coping during these times. During a recent 'happy' phase I spent some time writing myself a list of rules to stick to in the dark times. These would be different for everyone but mine are:
1. No alcohol - a new rule following reading your diary I noticed it affected me in the same way so thank you for sharing your journey.
2. No big decisions
3. No encounters with what I call 'iffy' relationships. Could be a friend/relative you find difficult to get on with or who is unsympathetic. I just say I'm busy and will give them a call to arrange a catch up. This can also include ex's who may still be around.
4. Make sure I'm in bed by 10.30 every night
5. Look at my list of 'things I have achieved in the last 12 months (e,g. debt reduction/coming of anti depressants) to remind myself I can make progress.
6. falling down 7 times and getting up 8 - another one of yours!!!

I'm sure I'm not the onlyone still reading your diary and will keep reading and cheering you on as you make your progress - which you are doing overall.

((((((hugs))))))))

MM

BankChargeBabe

Well done for fessing up Fudgie, that must have been hard. It's done now though and the others are right, no point beating yourself up about it. Learn from it and move on.

Shame your friend was poorly otherwise none have this would have happened!

I totally get why you'd want your ex to think all was fine and I'm sure you didn't come across as crazy as you think.

You really don't have a lot of money to last you a week. Maybe you should be getting that friend of yours to pay you back for missing the concert by taking you out! It's he only fair thing to do! He he

Just make sure you have enough food as there's nothing worse than going hungry.

Chin up Fudgie, you're doing really well.

Fudgefund

Wow, thanks everyone! I have been really hard on myself today so it's really nice to get a bit of support. :A I've only told one person in real life because I was worried I'd let people down.

You're right Beanielou and PLMBL, I need to just move on and accept nothing so very awful happened, and just be grateful for that. It seemed a lot bigger in my mind this morning.

Mumsiemum - thank you so much for your post, I really appreciated everything you said. :santa2: I can bestow no greater honour on you than giving you waving Santa, my favourite of the smilies. I was definitely on course for a bad day, I wish I could've prevented it, but I'll just have to be more careful next time. I love your list of things to get you through a difficult period and I think those rules could really help me too. I'm going to write them out and stick them on my bedroom wall. It is really scary and frustrating when I have down periods because I panic that the meds aren't working and I'll be like this forever. It's hard for someone who doesn't suffer from depression to understand but I have so much trouble getting out of bed I feel like an invisible force is pinning me down. When I was speaking to my ex, everything seemed hopeless, but there was really no reason for any of it. If I can stay away from the 'iffys' when I'm like this I'll be a lot better off.

Bankchargebabe - thanks for your lovely post. It is a shame that my friend couldn't make it to the carol concert but I'll let her off, she's preggers at the moment and not having much luck. You're probably right about the ex, he isn't very observant, I just wish I could be more honest with him. Things would have gone much more smoothly if I had been. I should be fine with my remaining monies as I have food for the weekend including fruit/yogurt/dinners and then £6.30 should last me for the week. I really don't think my friend should take me out, she gets paid the same day as me and we're both terrible with money!

Again, thanks everyone, I've cheered up since yesterday and will be having a nice cheap, wholesome weekend. I think my credit card statement is due tomorrow so that's a bit of excitement. :rotfl:xx

*Robin*

Not abandoning you either, Fudgie, but would suggest you've now seen enough of that Ex to last you the rest of the year!

Did you tell him you'd given up the booze before he took you for a drink?

I do like Mumsiemum's list. Good idea to print that out and put it somewhere you'd see it regularly.

Fudgefund

I couldn't agree more Robin. I had this week where I was totally convinced me and the ex could be friends, but it was stupid, I'm not ready at all. I just want to see out the next two weeks and go home.

I didn't tell him I'd given up alcohol, and as far as he would have seen, I only had one small glass of wine. I didn't tell him I picked up a bottle of wine on the way home. It comes back to my recent realisation that I am obsessed with only putting on a really happy, capable face around him. If I told him I don't drink anymore, it would suggest I have a problem. I won't make that mistake again.

I love the list, going to write it out in big letters. It'll cheer my room up a bit.