Well, that didn't go down well!

HurdyGurdy

virgin_moneysaver wrote: »

I don't need proof of his savings, I have access!! - he does put everything away that he can, I feel the bad guy as this is the 1st time I've had to go cap in hand, it doesn't help that his uni pals have parents who earn far more than we do & don't ask them for a contribution

THIS! Exactly this! I have felt so guilty over the years because of this, and my youngest son has now just decided not to go to take up his place at Uni because he decided he didn't want to start his working life £50,000 in debt. I felt dreadful that we didn't have a "uni fund" for him.

However, as has been said, "life ain't fair" and he has now got himself a part time job with take home pay of around £90 a week. He immediately said to me "how much should I give you a week now".

His older brother has been working (longer hours) part time for three years, and has steadfastly refused to pay anything because "it's not fair as [brother] doesn't pay anything". I went round in circles so many times with my argument that we supported HIM through college and were doing the same with his brother. But it didn't get through.

I let it go, because although any board money would have been useful, it wasn't essential. However, circumstances have changed with my husband's work, and we are feeling the pinch now.

I have told my sons that on these fora, when the question of board is asked, the rule of thumb is usually divide your money into thirds. One third for board, one third for savings and one third for spends. BUT that I didn't want to be that "tight" (for want of a better word) and have asked for 10%.

The younger one agreed immediately; the older one is still huffing and puffing over it.

So this morning I have written down the amounts we pay for gas/electricity, water rates, council tax, house insurance, phone bill, broadband etc and divided it by 4 (4 adults in the house). And that doesn't include the "rent" for their rooms, which, in a shared house would be somewhere between £45-£55 a week on top of those bills.

The result is a good deal more than 10%, so I think he will realise he's onto a good thing here!

nomadical

I don't understand.... surely after being at uni your son has experience of paying real rent rates in his student house, plus bills, plus responsibility for cleaning/cooking/laundry, which would all have cost him far more than £35/week and with less money to pay for it. I would be jumping for joy if I could have gone from all that to only £35 a week!

Unless he lived at home whilst he studied? Either way, he's getting a very good deal now!

Debt_Free_Chick

This is not a criticism, but I can't find the right words for this, so I'll just be straight.

You rightly need/want him to behave like an adult member of the family, so treat him like one. Show him the household budget and explain where the money goes. He can then see why £35 is not expensive - and hopefully will see that it's not enough!

Perhaps he thinks that he doesn't need to pay, because there's no real cost involved? Showing him what it takes to keep the house running may make him realise that he's mistaken.

Don't mention the lack of child allowance for the youngest - he will likely use this to try and justify his side of the argument. Just show him what comes in and what goes out.

Also consider what you contribute as a percentage of your salary. If, say, 50% of what you earn goes in to the household budget then you can show him that you're not asking him to pay 50% of his salary.

Sambucus_Nigra

virgin_moneysaver wrote: »

When I dropped hints a few weeks ago about 'keep' his comment was ' if I pay you it'll take me longer to save the money to get a place so you'll be stuck with me for longer than I want'

If i don't charge you son, you'll never move out - so you could be here much longer than anyone wants.

virgin_moneysaver

Thank You everyone for all the replies - he is a good kid & is good with money, when he was in the shared house he was the one who dealt with the money & paid the bills, most of his costs were paid out of his student loan. He worked p-t thru Uni for his extras, has only recently got the other 2 jobs which is why I've only asked for it now, up until this month he was only on 250-300 pm. He pays all costs for his car, phone, gym membership & clothes. I do his washing but he does his own ironing & cleans his room. I don't want to make money off him, but realises he needs to contribute something as A. we could use the money & B. he needs to get used to the fact that he has to pay to live etc

rising_from_the_ashes

I honestly can't believe adult kids who think their board should be free - is it not enough that their parents have supported them until they've reached adulthood?

We contributed from the moment we started earning - at the start, I only earned £40 / week but DM got £10 of that and it increased as my wages did.

£35 is cheap! (and he should realise that if he's already lived away from home). Best of luck

nearlyrich

We charged adult working kids £150 a month, they bought their own toiletries etc, they were expected to do at least one family meal per week and take their turn with other household chores, washing, washing up etc, although they had done these things from secondary school age anyway.

DD has her own place now and DS has just moved back temporarily as he is between jobs, he is off travelling now and when he gets back he has another trip planned, if he is home for a week he will give me a contribution for his food etc and he will cook for us all.

I gave DD most of her "board" back as a gift towards her deposit and DS has been helped out similarly, he hasn't spent much time back here since uni as he went to live where the work was.

It's never been about the money for me just making sure they lived in the real world so they learned to budget and other adult skills.

I know 2 families who have 27 year olds who haven't started work yet or been to uni because bank of mum and dad just keeps paying out, not what I wanted for my two.

Person_one

enabledebra wrote: »

I think you will find £140 is very cheap for all of your basic expenses (after all his parent's could downsize or rent his room out if he wasn't in it) "wasting" is a subjective definition in itself. For adults you pay for your housing, food, and fuel, before you pay for your holiday.

Well yes, its cheap compared to the 'market rate' for rent and utilities etc. but I don't actually think that's relevant when you're talking about living with family.

Person_one

Alias_Omega wrote: »

You've failed from the start. Their bedroom should of become the "Guest Bedroom" when they moved out to Uni.

What a fabulous way to let your child know you couldn't wait for them to leave and don't really want them back!

I bet families that do that have wonderfully healthy loving relationships.

Person_one

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

If i don't charge you son, you'll never move out - so you could be here much longer than anyone wants.

Where does this assumption come from?

Do other people only move out because their parents make it unpleasant for them at home in some way? Don't people move out for independence or to start their own families?

It just seems so bizarre to me to say that adult children who are treated too nicely at home never leave. Of course they do!