Marriage Problems

Errata

Stop being dim. She can promise what you want, as you have twice done in the past but if she wants to carry on she can do so very easily with a PAYG and you won't know a thing about it.
Your ultimatum is a dead end leaving both of you entrenched and defending your POV. Not a good idea if you want things to improve.
The fact that you're having fits about her behaviour before she knew you and you want to control who she can speak to is quite significant.
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thehappybutterfly

Scoobs - you said earlier that after you'd been messing around with women online that "you'd worked through the problems and moved on" (might not be your exact words but you get the gist). Are you sure? Perhaps you'd worked through the problems and assumed your wife had moved on? You sound very controlling and I get the impression that you're 'the boss' in this marriage. Every thing you've said in this thread indicates that this marriage is totally unequal. Trust me, women don't like to be made to feel second class. It sounds like as far as your concerned, what you did in the past is gone and she should just forget it ever happened. However, now that she's gone and done the same, you're not letting it go. Stop harassing her! I may be wrong but it sounds like you control everything in this relationship - maybe this is her finally taking a stand and saying "NO!"

This is not a marriage of equals. If you want it to work, stop banging on about this guy and give her some space. In a few weeks you can approach the subject of what she wants. Someone earlier said you'd backed her into a corner - that's what it seems like to me too. Nobody likes to feel that way so back off.

And incientally, I'm a woman who went right off her husband a few months ago (sexually) - between depression/medication/implanon - now that I'm free of all the above, I've got my horn back! As fas as I was concerned, the spark had gone out of our marriage. It hadn't - it had gone out of me........

skattykatty

mcscoobs wrote: »

You could well be right about her no longer caring. She says the last thing she wants is for us to split, that she loves me and wants to be with me, but her actions recently indicate otherwise.

It's odd, I feel like even though she's done wrong this time, it's me that has to make all the effort to move on, like there's no recompense for her actions.

I've just read all the posts and am struck by 'there's no recompense for her actions' Do you feel you have 'paid' for your previous misdeameanors and now you want her to 'pay' for hers? If this is about blame or moral high ground then I don't know where you go from here as a couple. Where IS the respect? You can have every email and social networking account open to everyone but noone will ever really know what goes on in your own head and we are all entitled to that much privacy. There seems to be so much energy spent on what one or other of you has or hasn't done/is or isn't doing with people outside of your relationship, I wonder how much time or effort or love you put INto your actual relationship. Or is your relationship about how you relate to others and not each other? When you next sit down and just look at your wife search your heart and your head for the answer to some basic questions: am I happy to look at this face every day for the rest of my life? Do I love, respect and honour her as an individual? Am I resentful of any time, effort, money...that I have spent on this relationship?

Finally, children are the most intuitive barometers of emotional atmosphere. IF you feel that it is difficult or impossible for you to live together in a respectful, loving, warm, happy enough household than your child will pick that up. Two happy parents who live apart may be a healthier than two unhappy, frustrated, resentful parents living together.

mcscoobs

Errata wrote: »

The fact that you're having fits about her behaviour before she knew you and you want to control who she can speak to is quite significant.
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Completely disagree with this.

System

mcscoobs wrote: »

I've been working tirelessly to get her to regain my trust. I opened up my emails, Facebook, phone, she has access to absolutely everything of mine. I guess over time, that trust came back?

It will take longer than three years believe me.

rosered1963

ktb wrote: »

Actions speak FAR louder than words. If you cant see that her actions are just begging for you to be a man, and free her from an unhappy marriage (as she is obviously a weak & insecure person, not to have left you high and dry the 1st or 2nd time you broke her trust) you are a fool!

MAN UP! After your terrible behaviour in the past, you will need to fight harder to see if you have a marriage worth saving. I believe you have to risk losing her to find that out! You need to make threats that you are prepared to keep.... ie she stops contacting this bloke & you will both work at fixing things or if she refuses, you will leave her - AND MEAN IT! Only then will you find out what your wife really wants. At the moment she can have her cake & eat it without consequence (although personally I think what goes around comes around so you asked for this)..... Neither will be able to move on without some drastic action. Whatever happens at least you will be out of the current stalemate, with a chance of future happiness!

ETA: this is what I believe she should have done to you in the past & you then may not have got to this stage! There is a serious lack of consequences in your relationship & that does not bring the best out in people.

This is hard medicine to take but absolutely spot on. OP - remember that if you make threats, set boundaries and ultimatums you absolutely must be prepared to carry them out. You can't live the way things are now so you must find it within yourself to ACT.

Mrs.W_2

mcscoobs wrote: »

We sat down and ...

What can I do?

In answer to your question, you might want to stop lording your one moment of moral high ground over her?

Back off. Give things time to settle. Your OH might be ready to talk and be open to give and take on what's troubling you if you'd give her the time to reflect on her actions.

ETA: OK. At least twenty other posters have said the above before me. Yet it seems you are still looking for an answer that pleases you.

londoner01

I haven't had a chance to read through all he thread but I think we need more details on how you and your wife worked it out in the past when tthe mistake was on your part. Why is the same not happening this time?

Whatever the reasons, you both have your son's happiness at heart so I suggest you both consider, together, whether it is best for him that you work things through or that you split up.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

mcscoobs wrote: »

Completely disagree with this.

You've only been married for how long?




Look, you felt a bit neglected, so you went off looking elsewhere. And when you got caught, you let the dust settle and the next time she didn't treat you like royalty, you skulked off to trawl the internet for anything with a pulse and vagina to punish her again. And repeated.


But you wouldn't have touched her if you'd known she'd seen someone else before you two got together? Seriously? I'm pretty certain that had you mentioned the fact that you schlep around for sympathy from random women everytime you feel less than 100% worshipped, she'd have thought twice before committing to you as well.


Seems like you want it all forgotten about and moved along with, but then can't bear the idea of somebody speaking to her.


Men friends get drunk and sent text messages to the wrong person. Or they say stuff just to be provocative, to give the controlling partner something to stress about - on the principles of 'serves him right for a) doing all that stuff to her on so many occasions and b) he shouldn't be interfering with her phone anyway'



And then you seem to think that you can get full custody of the child, force her to leave, stop her seeing people who are related to you, control everything.



Strange how when you punish her by seeking random bints, it's OK, but when she chats with a friend, you go radio rental.

Face it, she is not unattractive. She works. She has stayed with you, married you and had a baby with you despite your appalling behaviour. You will lose more than a cuddle or two if you carry on like this.



(Oh, and by the way, expecting somebody to whine 'I missed you' when you're working is pretty sad. She was probably busy sleeping for most of it.)

Alias_Omega

I would start to plan in your head, an exit plan for worst case scenario.


This could be anything from where you could live, splitting you salary, how much CSA payments would be etc.

What would you take with you when she asks you to leave. How would you take it.

How would you partner provide for your child if you were gone etc.


All stuff that needs to be thought out ahead.