Marriage Problems

rosered1963

Hello OP.

I have read your thread. The trust, respect and communication has gone. There is too much water under the bridge. The "spark" from her side has gone. (As a female, I can add to what others said - in my experience in the past, once the spark has gone, I could never get it back even if I want to).

You sound quite young (sorry if I am mistaken) and could be looking at another 50 years together. It isn't going to happen is it?

You said you loved and fancied your wife yet you still chatted to women online. Perhaps you weren't ready to get married in the first place. Maybe you are better off going your separate ways.

Despite what some people say about marriage, a good marriage IS romantic and loving despite the day to day domestic drudge. I am married and never think about my exes and would never dream of communicating with any of them. When they have tried to contact me, I ignore them. If I wanted to do that, I wouldn't have got married

vectra90

To be fair you've messed around aswell at the start. She is doing the same?

I personally would running dropkick ben for sending that message knowing full well she's married.

Sambucus_Nigra

vectra90 wrote: »

To be fair you've messed around aswell at the start. She is doing the same?

I personally would running dropkick ben for sending that message knowing full well she's married.

Perhaps it was done hoping that the husband would find it and put an end to this 'marriage'?

mcscoobs

We sat down and spoke more last night. We didn't get anywhere. I said that I wasn't prepared to accept her still talking to This other guy all secretly and shady whilst us move on.

May have been a bit of an ultimatum, but I said he either stops talking to him as it makes me uncomfortable, or, continue to speak to him but be open and honest about it. Show me your phone and Facebook, show me I have nothing to worry about.

Monday night was when I caught her out and found dirty flirty texts on her phone. She promised she would'nt contact him again. Thursday night she's texting him again. She said the flirts were just messing around and that they have stopped. But won't prove it.

She said she won't stop talking to him out of principle as she doesn't like to be told who she can and can't speak to. She said of my options offered, stopping talking to him isn't an option. Also that being open and honest wont work as she will feel suffocated like I'm spying on her the whole time.

Although obviously I don't want them talking at all, I thought the honest and open approach was a compromise. I just don't see how they can talk about bedding each other on Monday and then it just stop a few days later.

She said she won't back down on this as its her principle, she doesn't see what she's doing is hurting me, she just sees it as me telling her what to do. She said she's not sorry about the flirting as it was just messing about. But what friends say they wanna bed each other? I asked her how I'm supposed to believe the flirting has stopped, she said I have to just trust her. When I said the trust had gone with the flirting and the lies, she didn't care and said that's up to me, whether I trust her or not.

What can I do?

Sambucus_Nigra

How has she believed that your flirting had stopped since you were caught doing it?

mcscoobs

I've been working tirelessly to get her to regain my trust. I opened up my emails, Facebook, phone, she has access to absolutely everything of mine. I guess over time, that trust came back?

Fire_Fox

Re-read the thread including all your own posts, you have had some great advice which you don't want to take.

Sambucus_Nigra

mcscoobs wrote: »

I've been working tirelessly to get her to regain my trust. I opened up my emails, Facebook, phone, she has access to absolutely everything of mine. I guess over time, that trust came back?

The trust might have...but perhaps she just doesn't care any more? Is 'tirelessly' really spending all your spare time on laptops not talking to her?

How does she know you haven't got any other methods of contacting 'any old grim tarts*' away from the house?

* A phrase I shall use again and again when the necessity arises.

mcscoobs

You could well be right about her no longer caring. She says the last thing she wants is for us to split, that she loves me and wants to be with me, but her actions recently indicate otherwise.

It's odd, I feel like even though she's done wrong this time, it's me that has to make all the effort to move on, like there's no recompense for her actions.

ktb

Actions speak FAR louder than words. If you cant see that her actions are just begging for you to be a man, and free her from an unhappy marriage (as she is obviously a weak & insecure person, not to have left you high and dry the 1st or 2nd time you broke her trust) you are a fool!

MAN UP! After your terrible behaviour in the past, you will need to fight harder to see if you have a marriage worth saving. I believe you have to risk losing her to find that out! You need to make threats that you are prepared to keep.... ie she stops contacting this bloke & you will both work at fixing things or if she refuses, you will leave her - AND MEAN IT! Only then will you find out what your wife really wants. At the moment she can have her cake & eat it without consequence (although personally I think what goes around comes around so you asked for this)..... Neither will be able to move on without some drastic action. Whatever happens at least you will be out of the current stalemate, with a chance of future happiness!

ETA: this is what I believe she should have done to you in the past & you then may not have got to this stage! There is a serious lack of consequences in your relationship & that does not bring the best out in people.