Marriage Problems

mcscoobs

Hoping you can help, as I believe my marriage is close to being over. Been with my wife for 5 years and we have a 2yr old boy. We both work, both have cars and have a nice flat together.

Back in the early days of being together, I made some foolish mistakes. I was chatting to women online, flirting and swapping pictures. This happened at a time when I felt a bit unwanted from my wife (prior to us being married). I got caught out and I apologised and we worked through it and stayed together. Unfortunately, I repeated this "talking to girls" thing a couple more times over the following 2 years. Each time I did it was when I felt unwanted. Mainly did it because I enjoyed the attention I received. But I didn't meet anyone and had no plans to, just needed to know I still had "it" so to speak. My wife would have been well within her right to leave me, but each time we worked through it.

After we got married, she made a confession to me. She told me that whilst she was with her ex, as their relationship was dying out, she slept with a guy at work. We worked together, which is how we met, and I knew this guy. Had I know this before my wife and I got together, I'm not sure I still would have got with her. I felt so betrayed, as that choice was taken away from me. This then made me speak to girls again for the final time. Again, we worked through it.

As you can see so far, the majority of problems in our relationship were caused by me and I put my hands up to that.

My wife had a friend called Ben. Back when she was with her ex, her ex never liked the 2 of them talking. Ben always had a thing for my wife and vice versa, but nothing ever happened between them. When we got together, I was uncomfortable with them talking, so out of respect for me, she stopped talking to him. Fast forward 4 years, now married with a little boy. A fortnight ago, I went away for a week with work. The day before I went, she added Ben on facebook. It wasn't until the following day that I found out. My iPad was logged into her account by default, and it showed as a new message. Thinking it was my facebook, I took a look, and saw the 2 of them had been messaging constantly for days. She then must have realised I could read her messages, so she changed her password.

Bear in mind, all our facebook, email, phone etc have always been open for each other to read for a few years now. All of a sudden, her password changed. Automatically i'm thinking it's suspicious. I could see the conversation was just small talk. Though I could quite easily have read more into her messages. It seems she was making all the effort with the chat also. When I got home a week later, we argued. I asked why she felt the need to contact him again. She said she missed him as a friend and thought that now being married with a kid, i'd be more secure in the relationship to have no problem with it. When asked if she would ever have told me they were chatting, if I hadn't caught her out, she said she wouldn't have told me ever. She brought up my past constantly and said she's done nothing wrong. She deleted all their conversations also. We had no secrets in our marriage. Now we had one. Him.

Fast forward another week, of her telling me I have nothing to worry about, i'm being paranoid and that it's all in my head etc. I see a message on her phone from him, telling her what he wanted to do to her. Clearly not innocent. All her messages to him had been deleted, but she's obviously encouraged it. All this on the night before our sons birthday. This was Monday night just gone. She said she did it because I forced her to. My incessant nagging on about how uncomfortable I am with it and me assuming it's more than just friends... she said she felt like I was making her feel as if she was doing something wrong, so she may as well do something wrong.

She told me she'd never speak to him again and text him saying that I was angry because I saw his text and that she can't contact him again. We were trying to move on from this and work things out. then this morning, I could see she started texting him again and they spoke all night whilst I was out. She lasted 3 days without speaking to him again. When I asked if she'd heard from him since Mondays argument, she said she hadn't spoken to him at all, lied to my face. I packed my bags and left.

She doesn't believe she's doing anything wrong. Said even the flirting was just him messing around. She thinks i'm being controlling by telling her who she can and can't speak to, says that I can't tell her what to do. She's unwilling to change and doesn't believe a marriage needs to be worked on, as it should just come naturally.

Our sex life has dwindled to once a month. She said the "spark" from her side has gone. I said that we don't have a healthy sex life... she said she'd be happy if we didn't have sex again. It wouldn't bother her. She even mentioned us having an "open" marriage if I want sex that much. But then added she can sleep with others too. So it's not that she doesn't want sex, it's that she doesn't want sex with me. She says she's still attracted to me and still fancies me, but her actions suggest otherwise.

I said i'm happy to attempt to move on, if she proves to me she's sorry and remorseful for what she's done. She's not sorry and has said that if that's my attitude, then we're over. Keeps comparing it to my past, saying what I did was so much worse, and it's ok for her to do what she's doing, because my past is so much worse.

There's no point in talking, for her to just say sorry, because I don't believe for a second she is. I don't trust her now as she lied to my face. She doesn't want to work at the marriage. But then tells me she loves me and wants us to stay together, because we need to comprimise our own happiness for our sons.

Please help!

HeadAboveWater

Didn't want to read and run, but not really sure what I should say either.

First, I think there's too much 'he said/she said' and 'he did/she did'. Blaming each other and pointing the finger is going to do no good whatsoever.

I think what you both really need to do is sit down and talk about your relationship. What is it that you both love about each other? What are the things you're not happy with? What would you like to change about it? Work out why each of you felt the need to go elsewhere for a bit of attention (regardless of whether anything 'happened' or not). What's missing from your relationship?

Once you get to the bottom of it, then you can start to work through things and work together to fix it.

You've got one mouth and two ears - which means you should listen twice as much as you talk. Listen to her. Listen to how she feels. Then you talk to her and tell her how you feel too. Work on communication.

You can't 'fix' something if you don't know what's wrong.

System

Mainly did it because I enjoyed the attention I received. But I didn't meet anyone and had no plans to, just needed to know I still had "it" so to speak. My wife would have been well within her right to leave me, but each time we worked through it.

Maybe your wife felt the same. Maybe you need to be patient with her like she was with you.

pixelation

http://survivinginfidelity.com/
Factual help here: Start with this website and then phone Relate for an appointment too. Reading between the lines a bit I feel that you can't get past this without communicating.

mcscoobs

Thanks for the response.

After we argued on Monday, we tried to work through things. I thought it was a good opportunity to bring up all the other minor aspects of the relationship I wasn't happy with, likewise her. The nuts and bolts of it, basically i'm happy to change and work harder at the marriage, she isn't.

She said she's not happy, but she's not unhappy. She's content. And that she's happy to be content. She wants us to just forget about what she's done and just move on like nothing has changed. Have talked until i'm blue in the face about things that upset me, but she's not willing to compromise or change her ways. She doesn't believe she's doing anything wrong, and in order to change her ways, it would feel to "fake" for her, and it's not her being herself.

She's not interested in counselling either. She thinks this has all come out of nothing and that it's all in my head... that i'm the bad guy for creating something out of nothing. When we do sit and talk, we can't agree on anything, because of her lack of effort and compromise.

Bad times.

mcscoobs

Judi wrote: »

Maybe your wife felt the same. Maybe you need to be patient with her like she was with you.

I don't disagree. But she doesn't believe what she did was wrong, and that's what's bothering me so much.

tea_lover

mcscoobs wrote: »

Have talked until i'm blue in the face about things that upset me, but she's not willing to compromise or change her ways.

So you've spent ages trying to tell her what she's done wrong, and what she should change? No wonder she's not wanting to listen to that - particularly as it sounds like she's only done something you've done many times over many years.

Amanda65

mcscoobs wrote: »

I don't disagree. But she doesn't believe what she did was wrong, and that's what's bothering me so much.

But even when you did admit it was wrong you still went back and did it again - and again!

Do you and your wife actually want to be together? If you BOTH do, then you need to sit down with a counsellor and work through your issues and how you move forward. If in fact your contacting other women and her contact with 'Ben' is becuase you don't really have an awful lot of love or respect for each other then you need to work out how to move forward as amicably as possible for the sake of your little boy. Good luck

mcscoobs

I wasn't telling her things she's done wrong, it was more a case of things i felt she's not doing... i.e. putting effort into our relationship, spending time with the little one etc. I wasn't ranting at her or anything like that, so apologies if my post came across like that!

With regards me wanting her to change... it was things like spend more time with me and the little one, not unrealistic expectations.

But your point about her doing something i've done many times... I agree. But her attitude is that it's ok for her to do it, because what i've done is worse....

Seanymph

She knows what she's done is wrong - but she wants you to shush and roll along for a bit until she sorts her head out.

Saying it's not wrong is a stand off - until she admits to you it is, she doesn't have to do anything by way of recompense.

Reading your list it just seems strange that it wasn't over long ago- I'm amazed that you didn't break up sooner.

You haven't really at any point had something really solid, it's just flakiness has moved from you to her.

I'm sorry, but I don't know what you are looking for, I feel sorry for you both, and the child, but I don't think you are being realistic.

You could move forwards as a couple - but you'd both have to want it.

mcscoobs

Amanda65 wrote: »

But even when you did admit it was wrong you still went back and did it again - and again!

Do you and your wife actually want to be together? If you BOTH do, then you need to sit down with a counsellor and work through your issues and how you move forward. If in fact your contacting other women and her contact with 'Ben' is becuase you don't really have an awful lot of love or respect for each other then you need to work out how to move forward as amicably as possible for the sake of your little boy. Good luck

I haven't contacted other women for over 3 years... as far as I'm concerned, i've learnt my lesson. I can look back now and see how stupid I was and how close I was to losing everything, and rightfully so. I've worked hard to regain her trust, and up until recently, thought we were strong as ever, bar a few niggly issues which could have been resolved with some work.

I still love my wife and fancy her as much as the day I first met her. She says she still loves me, but I don't believe she still "fancies" me, even though she says she does. Her body language suggests otherwise. I just don't think she could ever tell me she doesn't fancy me because she knows that would be the end.

If we split, she'd have to give up work, she'd lose the flat. She has nowhere to go, no family as such. So a part of me thinks she knows she's onto a good thin by staying with me. I don't know for a fact, but that's how i'm made to feel.