Marriage Problems

mcscoobs

Seanymph wrote: »

She knows what she's done is wrong - but she wants you to shush and roll along for a bit until she sorts her head out.

Saying it's not wrong is a stand off - until she admits to you it is, she doesn't have to do anything by way of recompense.

Reading your list it just seems strange that it wasn't over long ago- I'm amazed that you didn't break up sooner.

You haven't really at any point had something really solid, it's just flakiness has moved from you to her.

I'm sorry, but I don't know what you are looking for, I feel sorry for you both, and the child, but I don't think you are being realistic.

You could move forwards as a couple - but you'd both have to want it.

With regards to your bottom sentence. I agree. I don't want to split, I'm willing to work at it. She isn't willing to work, but wants to stay together. But I can't move on until she proves she's sorry. So we're stuck.

Amanda65

mcscoobs wrote: »

I still love my wife and fancy her as much as the day I first met her. She says she still loves me, but I don't believe she still "fancies" me, even though she says she does. Her body language suggests otherwise. I just don't think she could ever tell me she doesn't fancy me because she knows that would be the end.

But your past actions (accept they're in the past but generally, us ladies have long memories) probably made her feel completely !!!! and unloved and those feelings take a long time to wear off.

mcscoobs wrote: »

If we split, she'd have to give up work, she'd lose the flat. She has nowhere to go, no family as such. So a part of me thinks she knows she's onto a good thin by staying with me. I don't know for a fact, but that's how i'm made to feel.

Why would she have to give up work? Why would she lose the flat - your son would still need a roof over his head and you would have to pay towards that. Does she feel she's onto a good thing or feel trapped ?

nickyhutch

She sounds just like my husband's ex-wife. Didn't want him, but didn't want the disruption of a divorce/selling house/upsetting kids, happy to go off sh*gging whoever she felt like, and threw in the open marriage thing too.

If I were you, I'd run a mile. Good luck, hope you can work things out somehow.

mcscoobs

Amanda65 wrote: »

Why would she have to give up work? Why would she lose the flat - your son would still need a roof over his head and you would have to pay towards that. Does she feel she's onto a good thing or feel trapped ?

Well I currently work shifts, she works Mon-Fri office hours. On an average week, the little one will either be at the childminder, at my parents or with me. I generally have him 2-3 days a week at home.

If we split, i'd want my little one stay with me. She couldn't afford to run the flat on her own, and i'd need my half to be able to buy a new place.

She doesn't talk to her dad or brother, so neither have seen my boy. So she can't go back to her mums house. She doesn't really have any other family. Her family is my family.

She knows she has it good with me and my family. I put the deposit down for the flat also.

mcscoobs

nickyhutch wrote: »

She sounds just like my husband's ex-wife. Didn't want him, but didn't want the disruption of a divorce/selling house/upsetting kids, happy to go off sh*gging whoever she felt like, and threw in the open marriage thing too.

If I were you, I'd run a mile. Good luck, hope you can work things out somehow.

Makes me feel so much better :rotfl:

nickyhutch

mcscoobs wrote: »

If we split, she'd have to give up work, she'd lose the flat. She has nowhere to go, no family as such. So a part of me thinks she knows she's onto a good thin by staying with me. I don't know for a fact, but that's how i'm made to feel.

Exactly - do you want to be with someone who's only with you because it's the easy option?

Grumpygit

What aspects of your marriage/life together are you not happy about (apart from the text/fb)?

Were all your complaints about her and what she does or doesn't do?

Did she explain anything that she didn't like?

She probably does know that she is in the wrong but she won't say it while you are taking the moral high ground when you have no right to because of your past indiscretions.

It almost seems as if you are both in the wrong and whilst not good or necessarily right, she is doing what you have done the only difference is, she has history with this guy while in theory, your text/email "friends" were just random women.

Sometimes it's hard to be truly honest about what the problem is for fear of either upsetting the other person or ending up alone by being too open.

If, when you're speaking to her, you are being confrontational about it, she will clam up and the best sort of defense is offense which is why she keeps bringing up your past to ease her own guilt about what she is doing.

I can appreciate that you did what you did for attention - it's nice to hear that you're wanted even though it's in fantasy land, but she is probably feeling the same now.

Do you have fun anymore? Do you cuddle or touch each other (outside of the bedroom)? Do you laugh together and do things together?

I can see both sides because I have been there - my oh texted/spoke to an ex and each time I found out he promised to stop but then I would catch him at it again (although I do believe it has stopped now), however, I have had a sort of text relationship with another man which he doesn't know about and I KNOW that I was no better than he was but would I admit it? No, of course I wouldn't I would probably try and turn the tables back on him and about what he did........which is what your wife is doing here.

You both need to sit down and communicate calmly about what you both want out of your future - don't dwell on the negatives of who doesn't do what etc (unload the dishwasher/spend money) unless it's something that touched your heart or you liked ie.....you remember how you used to squeeze my bum when you walked past me? I miss it

As for the sex, I can imagine that the excitement has gone out which is why you have both had these experiences. You need to think about adding a spark back - could be as simple as candles and massage or something a bit more extreme - !!!!!! or toys (or even webcams)

But initially, communication is the key without recriminations or accusations.

Good luck

nickyhutch

mcscoobs wrote: »

Makes me feel so much better :rotfl:

Sorry

Just being honest. Really hope you can work it out if that's what you want.

mcscoobs

nickyhutch wrote: »

Exactly - do you want to be with someone who's only with you because it's the easy option?

She would never admit this. But this is how she makes me feel.

mcscoobs

Grumpygit wrote: »

What aspects of your marriage/life together are you not happy about (apart from the text/fb)?

Were all your complaints about her and what she does or doesn't do?

Did she explain anything that she didn't like?

She probably does know that she is in the wrong but she won't say it while you are taking the moral high ground when you have no right to because of your past indiscretions.

It almost seems as if you are both in the wrong and whilst not good or necessarily right, she is doing what you have done the only difference is, she has history with this guy while in theory, your text/email "friends" were just random women.

Sometimes it's hard to be truly honest about what the problem is for fear of either upsetting the other person or ending up alone by being too open.

If, when you're speaking to her, you are being confrontational about it, she will clam up and the best sort of defense is offense which is why she keeps bringing up your past to ease her own guilt about what she is doing.

I can appreciate that you did what you did for attention - it's nice to hear that you're wanted even though it's in fantasy land, but she is probably feeling the same now.

Do you have fun anymore? Do you cuddle or touch each other (outside of the bedroom)? Do you laugh together and do things together?

I can see both sides because I have been there - my oh texted/spoke to an ex and each time I found out he promised to stop but then I would catch him at it again (although I do believe it has stopped now), however, I have had a sort of text relationship with another man which he doesn't know about and I KNOW that I was no better than he was but would I admit it? No, of course I wouldn't I would probably try and turn the tables back on him and about what he did........which is what your wife is doing here.

You both need to sit down and communicate calmly about what you both want out of your future - don't dwell on the negatives of who doesn't do what etc (unload the dishwasher/spend money) unless it's something that touched your heart or you liked ie.....you remember how you used to squeeze my bum when you walked past me? I miss it

As for the sex, I can imagine that the excitement has gone out which is why you have both had these experiences. You need to think about adding a spark back - could be as simple as candles and massage or something a bit more extreme - !!!!!! or toys (or even webcams)

But initially, communication is the key without recriminations or accusations.

Good luck

Other aspects, were the physical side of things... even kissing! i don't feel she spends enough time with the little one. if she can get out of feeding him, doing nappies, all the boring chores like that, she will. She said she doesn't think I listen enough and that of an evening, i'll be on my laptop or phone. I've said i'm happy to change that now I know it bothers her. I'm willing to change.

The fact she has history with this guy, is what makes it worse. I had an issue with them talking before, and it clearly didn't take long for the flirting to start, as much as she says I forced her to do it. She had a choice.

With regards the sex... I said I wanted to spice things up, as the spark is there for me. She's not interested in even trying, saying the sparks gone for her and that's it. if she has sex just to make me happy, it would feel to fake for her. I said it's not just sex I miss, I miss the kisses... I miss her saying she's missed me when i've been working nights for example.

We've tried talking. When I tell her how I feel, she just attacks my opinions, saying they are nonsense. We just don't get anywhere.