Marriage Problems

duchy

mcscoobs wrote: »

Other aspects, were the physical side of things... even kissing! i don't feel she spends enough time with the little one. if she can get out of feeding him, doing nappies, all the boring chores like that, she will. She said she doesn't think I listen enough and that of an evening, i'll be on my laptop or phone. I've said i'm happy to change that now I know it bothers her. I'm willing to change.

The same way you said you'd change and stop chasing women on line....How many goes did that take for you to stop............and you seriously wonder why she isn't taking it as a serious promise ?

I think you need to stop making demands of her....... let the dust settle for a couple of weeks whilst you both show with actions not cheap talk about how you are going to change.....(like your promises about not ignoring her for your phone all evening for example) and THEN sit down and talk things through once you can both see if the other is serious enough about wanting things to improve by actions not empty words.

mcscoobs

I never physically cheated, not that it makes what I did any better! But it's her that keeps bringing up the past, not me.

She said she won't not delete the chats because she knows I'm uncomfortable with them talking!

As for moving on, she just wants to go back to how it was before the arguments, but to also keep chatting to him as she has missed him as a friend. Says she won't open her Facebook to me as she's entitled to some privacy....

Del_Astra

OP, If I am picking this up right your little boy is two, having a child is a major life style change, you wife might still be adjusting to this. Reading between the lines it sounds like perhaps you both (or certainly you at least) gave all your attention to the little one when he arrived, this is understandable, but perhaps your wife felt left out?

Some of your post I found a little strange to be honest, you referred to your son as "my boy" where as I would say "our boy", you've said your not happy with what she does with your son.... again our son, and if your saying this to her, its little wonder you are arguing.

Your posts did come across as she would have nothing without when I read them too. As has been advised you need to talk, you need to listen to your wife, trust me, I need to listen to mine and I keep telling her hints are no good she needs to spell it out to me:rotfl: if something is bothering her.

Have you suggested or done things as a family perhaps this might help, is she relaxed or uptight? I do wish you well and hope you are able to move on, you might have to bide your time until she is ready to talk, just remember to listen.

Just_a_Girl_2

VestanPance wrote: »

EDIT: I'll possibly be called out as a male pig for this, but when a woman says the spark is gone it ain't never coming back.

I can say from experience that this is absolutely true!

My marriage was dead in the water for two years before I finally had the guts to end things. Sex was non-existent as I no longer found him attractive but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so made up excuse after excuse, which just made things worse. We did the repeated talks, counselling, etc and it was only when I stopped and thought to myself "this time next year, do I want to be in the same position as I'm in now" that I realised I needed to make the break.

If she feels the spark is gone, then it's highly unlikely it will come back, sorry

Faith177

mcscoobs wrote: »

I never physically cheated, not that it makes what I did any better! But it's her that keeps bringing up the past, not me.

She said she won't not delete the chats because she knows I'm uncomfortable with them talking!

As for moving on, she just wants to go back to how it was before the arguments, but to also keep chatting to him as she has missed him as a friend. Says she won't open her Facebook to me as she's entitled to some privacy....

She may not agree with you on if you have not physically cheated just because you haven't slept with anyone only talked about it it's all the same or at worst you have emotially cheated.

I have cheated many times in the past for various reasons. However I have been with my fiance now for nearly 4 years and haven't so much as looked at another man. People can change.

I wouldn't let a man stop me talking to a friend either. Maybe she doesn't want to show you the messages because she has been talking about you and how things are between you. I know when I have moaned about my OH I wouldn't want him to see it.

I think you to think about if it is worth losing your wife through being stubbon.

At the end of the day she could give you access to her phone, facebook ect but could still talk to him via other means. Fake facebook account, second phone, Skype when there is a will there is a way. If you keep pushing this it's going to ruin things

jayII

mcscoobs wrote: »

I never physically cheated, not that it makes what I did any better! But it's her that keeps bringing up the past, not me.

She said she won't not delete the chats because she knows I'm uncomfortable with them talking!

As for moving on, she just wants to go back to how it was before the arguments, but to also keep chatting to him as she has missed him as a friend. Says she won't open her Facebook to me as she's entitled to some privacy....

You've had some really good advice on this thread, now you need to decide how to go forward. Repeatedly going over the same thing won't help the situation.

You can either give her space and time to 'come to her senses'; decide to live with things as they are; or decide to leave.

Grumpygit

Yes, everyone is entitled to some privacy, however, the seed of mistrust has been sown.

You've either got to get over that and try and trust her (hard I know) and try and move on (with that part at least) or you may as well end the marriage now.

I know how hard it is to trust someone again - she's gone through the same thing with you all those years ago.

You've tried seduction and to a degree communication so then maybe yeh, back off for a bit and keep your side of the bargain though re laptop/phone. If she does truly love you and want your marriage to work, then she will come back to you. But maybe don't try as hard - that may work and bring her to her senses.

andy.m_2

Sounds like a terible turn of events that have got you where you are now.
Sadly your indiscretions were some years ago and you have seen that they are not as fullfilling as you think they will be, your wife is still in the exciting, fantasy stage and believes that it is still fun, she may also be trying to teach you a lesson and if that's the case then I fear your marriage is doomed.
You say that you would want your lad to stay with you but that is a big ask unless she agrees, going through the courts will be biased in her favour, same as the flat and the maintenance that you will pay, however there are ways that you can maintain your interest in the property so you don't lose everything.

It does sound as though you are headed for singlesville because a marriage is a hard thing to keep going and takes mucho effort, if you put in all the effort and she none, you will resent that, and her.

You will not truly know if she has given up until you are walking out the door with tears in your eyes.

duchy

mcscoobs wrote: »

I never physically cheated, not that it makes what I did any better! But it's her that keeps bringing up the past, not me.

She said she won't not delete the chats because she knows I'm uncomfortable with them talking!

As for moving on, she just wants to go back to how it was before the arguments, but to also keep chatting to him as she has missed him as a friend. Says she won't open her Facebook to me as she's entitled to some privacy....

No it didn't make it any better.

Quite honestly it sounds from your previous posts that you ARE bringing up the past....... like the fling before she was with you and you are her husband not her Dad -reading her emails, facebook etc isn't a right and TBH there's something a bit creepy about a man who would expect that. You obviously didn't accord her that right to your own net stuff in the past when you were virtually cheating -as you were able to do it over and over so regardless of the fact you're not hiding it now -why should it be one rule for you and one rule for her ?

Do I think a lot of this is pent up resentment from your past actions -yes I do -and I think it's something you need to just take as a consequence of YOUR poor judgement in the past and work on how to move forward and stop harping on her mistakes-Just because you mde them earlier in the marriage than she did (and yours were worse anyway) doesn't give you the moral high ground -so stop preaching at her and start reminding her of your good points and give her a reason to want to stay with you !!

As for you getting custody of the child ........I think you need a reality check -odds are it won't happen. 1 She's the mother -courts still believe a young child is best with the mother unless there are serious issues like drug abuse 2 She works office hours -you work shifts . You'd struggle to offer the same level of stability of caregiving that she would. 3 Moneywise you'll be paying 20% of your salary in child support -that plus tax credits she'd likely be better off as a single parent than staying with you anyway.

LET1891

jayII wrote: »

You've had some really good advice on this thread, now you need to decide how to go forward. Repeatedly going over the same thing won't help the situation.

You can either give her space and time to 'come to her senses'; decide to live with things as they are; or decide to leave.

Couldn't have put it better myself. To be honest this thread has bought lots of memories flooding back for me but it's makes me proud of how far I've come since then.

You need to handle this sensibly and rationally. Remember your child. If you make a mess of however you go forward (separation or together) through arguing or petty behaviour then it will no doubt effect his life going forward. I know that sounds harsh but I always have it in the back of my mind. Think carefully before you say or act.