Marriage Problems

Errata

She said she doesn't think I listen enough and that of an evening, i'll be on my laptop or phone

So you faff around doing god knows what on your toys, don't speak to her and then moan because she finds someone else to chat to?
Can't say I blame her, but it's water under the bridge now.
Relate may help, but parenting classes would be more useful before you trash your child's life more than the pair of you are already doing.

Gigglepig

mcscoobs wrote: »

i don't feel she spends enough time with the little one. if she can get out of feeding him, doing nappies, all the boring chores like that, she will.

Just curious - you say that she doesn't spend enough time. What are your expectations, and how do they fit with hers? Do you expect her to take on more than 50% of time with children and housework? Would she prefer that you do more than half?

Just because she is female doesn't mean children is necessarily the be all and end all for her...

If you stay together, perhaps you should talk about how to best share responsibilities in the home and with the kids. Just saying - since some families are happier with mum working as much as possible and compensating either with dad spending more time at home, or by for example hiring a cleaner. In many families the female spends a lot more time on home chores but it doesn't mean that everyone is happier that way.

hayleyc_2

Errata wrote: »

So you faff around doing god knows what on your toys, don't speak to her and then moan because she finds someone else to chat to?
Can't say I blame her, but it's water under the bridge now.
Relate may help, but parenting classes would be more useful before you trash your child's life more than the pair of you are already doing.

That's a bit harsh isn't it! Just because they're having problems in their marriage doesn't mean they're bad parents. Obviously there will be an affect on their son, due to the undoubted frosty atmosphere caused by their current problems, but to say they are going to trash their child's life seems a bit uncalled for! Unless I missed any posts, I haven't seen anything to suggest that their son isn't being looked after and taken in to consideration.

Kathy535

If she was hurt by your actions 3 years ago that could affect how she feels about you and how attractive she finds you. Frankly, if I caught my OH doing what you did on more than one occasion I would not be finding you very attractive and the spark would definitely dim. If's difficult to give yourself sexually to someone who's hurt you, who you don't trust and who has made you doubt yourself (regardless of whether they say they find you attractive).

The way you describe your situation, it sounds as though neither of you has much respect for the other. In my experience, once the respect has gone then there isn't much else left.

claire21

I think you should just give her some time. She probably knows what she is doing is wrong but just wont back down yet. If she does go off with the bloke you have your answer. A bit of time might just let her cool down and think things through in her head and realise its you she wants. But i have to say i was just going through the motions with my ex husband, bit like brother and sister living together , glad I moved on in the end but it took a while to see that it wasnt the right way to live.

I do have to say I think what you did was worse and where would that of taken you if you werent found out?

Fire_Fox

mcscoobs wrote: »

If we split, she'd have to give up work, she'd lose the flat. She has nowhere to go, no family as such. So a part of me thinks she knows she's onto a good thin by staying with me. I don't know for a fact, but that's how i'm made to feel.

mcscoobs wrote: »

Well I currently work shifts, she works Mon-Fri office hours. On an average week, the little one will either be at the childminder, at my parents or with me. I generally have him 2-3 days a week at home.

If we split, i'd want my little one stay with me. She couldn't afford to run the flat on her own, and i'd need my half to be able to buy a new place.

She doesn't talk to her dad or brother, so neither have seen my boy. So she can't go back to her mums house. She doesn't really have any other family. Her family is my family.

She knows she has it good with me and my family. I put the deposit down for the flat also.

You want to keep the child and have her give up the flat and her job?? Are you planning on paying some serious spousal support? If she lives as a single person who voluntarily gave up with she will not be entitled to benefits. Do you have a Deed of Trust for the deposit you put down? If not you are unlikely to get that back, sorry. If she needs to claim means tested benefits at any point she couldn't sign away her rights to at least a half share, that would be deemed deprivation of assets.

Nobody needs to buy a new place, one or both of you can rent so the property doesn't have to be sold. It is very difficult for one to force the other to sell if they do not wish to. Whilst both your names remain on the deeds you both have the legal right to live there. IMO you'd be best going for joint custody.

geoffky

Your in a marriage of convenience and they never end well...stop making each other unhappy..get out of it..

fawd1

OK, haven't read the whole thread. But here's my tuppence.

-You are with a woman who is in love with you enough to forgive your infidelities.- That means a lot
-She is having fantasies about other men- If she isn't acting on them, then so what?
- As someone who is very happily married, I can tell you that marriage, and what goes into it, is nothing like a first time love.

My 1st love was crazy, romantic and perfect, unless you were hoping to do things like pay the rent. Even so, in bad times I wonder what my loser ex is doing. Wondering/flirting are nowhere near doing. Maybe she's just trying to feel like a kid again?

Wickedkitten

Kathy535 wrote: »

If she was hurt by your actions 3 years ago that could affect how she feels about you and how attractive she finds you. Frankly, if I caught my OH doing what you did on more than one occasion I would not be finding you very attractive and the spark would definitely dim. If's difficult to give yourself sexually to someone who's hurt you, who you don't trust and who has made you doubt yourself (regardless of whether they say they find you attractive).

The way you describe your situation, it sounds as though neither of you has much respect for the other. In my experience, once the respect has gone then there isn't much else left.

If he last did it three years ago and they have a two year old, I wouldn't be surprised one bit

VikkiiKawaii

Haven't read the whole thread, so don't know if this has been mentioned but you can no longer delete Facebook messages, they just get archived.