Marriage Problems

mcscoobs

Gigglepig wrote: »

I am not sure why it was such a problem to you who she slept with before you were together, or why that would be an excuse for chatting up other girls? Sounds a tad controlling or double standards?

Mainly because she was still with her ex when she did it.

jayII

I'm going to disagree with the general consensus. I think you should try giving her a bit of time and see how things go from there.

To me the bare facts look like: you've chatted and flirted online several times, each time promising to stop and each time going back to it. Each time you have done this, you have justified your behaviour (to your wife?) by saying you felt unwanted? To me this is a cop out. One mistake, yes, but keep doing it and keep blaming your partner, is just a cop out in my book. I appreciate that you have stopped doing it now but it must have been incredibly painful for her each time you did it. Her self-esteem was probably destroyed in the process. I'm amazed she stayed with you.

Roll forward a couple of years and she does what you did in the past. Maybe she also wanted to feel needed and that she 'still has it'. Understandable (not right but understandable) after what you did to her numerous times.

Now you are repeatedly telling her what she has done wrong in your eyes, without giving her a chance, or the mental space, to work out her own moral position!!

If you leave things for a few weeks, give it all time to settle down and give her time to work out where her head is, then she may decide she is in the wrong and apologise. No offence to you, but it sounds as if you've backed her into a corner. It is human nature to stubbornly stand your ground if someone is going on about how wrong you are and how sorry you should be, for something you've already done and can't change.

As for the guy at work, is that a pride thing on your part? She wasn't with you at the time, so it shouldn't really matter.

Faith177

mcscoobs wrote: »

Mainly because she was still with her ex when she did it.

Why is that an issue that's her ex's problem not yours.

Keep trying to make her say sorry isn't going to help.

I think she has been harbouring a deep resentment for all your indiscretions over the years and now it's come to ahead.

As she said if you were accusing her before & she hadn't done anything then she may as well do it. By accusing her you have probably made her feel bad so at least she may now feel bad for a reason if that makes sense. Christ I've done this myself for the exact same reason

This will not be an easy fix you have both have a lot of work to do

diceydeb

I think you should give it till after xmas for the kiddies sake at least. Be that wonderful attentive hubby, no texting other women etc. If she doesnt feel she has to change she wont so its up to you to decide if your happy to be in this marriage. If she has contact with this other guy try not to show your jealousy, women can have friendships with opposite sex without wanting to bed them . If your being mr perfect and she doesnt meet you half way then its time to move on...she doesnt deserve you in my opinion.

mcscoobs

jayII wrote: »

I'm going to disagree with the general consensus. I think you should try giving her a bit of time and see how things go from there.

To me the bare facts look like: you've chatted and flirted online several times, each time promising to stop and each time going back to it. Each time you have done this, you have justified your behaviour (to your wife?) by saying you felt unwanted? To me this is a cop out. One mistake, yes, but keep doing it and keep blaming your partner, is just a cop out in my book. I appreciate that you have stopped doing it now but it must have been incredibly painful for her each time you did it. Her self-esteem was probably destroyed in the process. I'm amazed she stayed with you.

Roll forward a couple of years and she does what you did in the past. Maybe she also wanted to feel needed and that she 'still has it'. Understandable (not right but understandable) after what you did to her numerous times.

Now you are repeatedly telling her what she has done wrong in your eyes, without giving her a chance, or the mental space, to work out her own moral position!!

If you leave things for a few weeks, give it all time to settle down and give her time to work out where her head is, then she may decide she is in the wrong and apologise. No offence to you, but it sounds as if you've backed her into a corner. It is human nature to stubbornly stand your ground if someone is going on about how wrong you are and how sorry you should be, for something you've already done and can't change.

As for the guy at work, is that a pride thing on your part? She wasn't with you at the time, so it shouldn't really matter.

Like I mentioned, she would have been well within her right to leave me back then, and I would have understand. Though just because I messed up, doesn't make it ok for her to do it now. It's not an eye for eye, so to speak.

The thing is, she doesn't for a second believe she's done anything wrong. That won't change in a few weeks/months. She just wants to move on and act as if nothing has happened. But she's still talking to him and deleting all the messages... so what do I do regards that?

mcscoobs

Faith177 wrote: »

Why is that an issue that's her ex's problem not yours.

Keep trying to make her say sorry isn't going to help.

I think she has been harbouring a deep resentment for all your indiscretions over the years and now it's come to ahead.

As she said if you were accusing her before & she hadn't done anything then she may as well do it. By accusing her you have probably made her feel bad so at least she may now feel bad for a reason if that makes sense. Christ I've done this myself for the exact same reason

This will not be an easy fix you have both have a lot of work to do

I guess it worried me because I saw how easy it was for her to "cheat" I suppose. Maybe I was being harsh.

I agree about harbouring the resentment. 100%.

It's a good reply from you and yes, both have work to do... i'm willing but she's not...

mcscoobs

diceydeb wrote: »

I think you should give it till after xmas for the kiddies sake at least. Be that wonderful attentive hubby, no texting other women etc. If she doesnt feel she has to change she wont so its up to you to decide if your happy to be in this marriage. If she has contact with this other guy try not to show your jealousy, women can have friendships with opposite sex without wanting to bed them . If your being mr perfect and she doesnt meet you half way then its time to move on...she doesnt deserve you in my opinion.

Like I say, haven't done it in 3 years and have no inclination to go down that road again!

It wouldn't bother me them 2 speaking, if it hadn't already gone down the flirting road. Now they are talking again, how can it not go back to that, when only 3 days ago they were saying they wanted to sleep together?

I'm not perfect by any means, but I try hard. I work hard with my boy, work hard around the house with all the chores and put effort into the relationship. I massage her most nights, i'll cook some nights... but what more can I do

jayII

mcscoobs wrote: »

Like I mentioned, she would have been well within her right to leave me back then, and I would have understand. Though just because I messed up, doesn't make it ok for her to do it now. It's not an eye for eye, so to speak.

The thing is, she doesn't for a second believe she's done anything wrong. That won't change in a few weeks/months. She just wants to move on and act as if nothing has happened. But she's still talking to him and deleting all the messages... so what do I do regards that?

She would, but she didn't. There's a good chance that you hurt her hugely and she is still hurting from it, hence her current behaviour. Alternatively (sorry for saying this) she is hoping things go further with him but wants her security in the meantime. I really think it could be either of these situations.

R.e. still talking/deleting, I'd give her an ultimatum, decide what is acceptable for you (I'd be saying she needs to start talking to him openly or not talking to him at all, but you need to decide what you can live with). Then pick a date and tell her she has to change by then or you are leaving. If she cares she will do something, if she doesn't then you have your answer, sadly.

Good luck, it's a hard situation.

mcscoobs

She said she will continue to talk to him out of principle. That I'm controlling her by telling her who she can and can't speak to.....

Faith177

mcscoobs wrote: »

I guess it worried me because I saw how easy it was for her to "cheat" I suppose. Maybe I was being harsh.

I agree about harbouring the resentment. 100%.

It's a good reply from you and yes, both have work to do... i'm willing but she's not...

So your saying that you think once a cheater always a cheater?

Pot kettle black much?