Marriage Problems

jayII

mcscoobs wrote: »

She said she will continue to talk to him out of principle. That I'm controlling her by telling her who she can and can't speak to.....

People can be so bloody minded when they are criticised and backed into a corner! It's good that she cares what you think enough to argue with you.

Back off for a bit and try to live together in a peaceful environment. Tell her how sorry you are for what you did in the past and how much you regret it, then try to put the chatting to one side and have fun together, days out, watch a few good films or whatever you both enjoy, but avoid criticising her for anything.

My guess is she will come to her senses if she is given space to reflect, examine her feelings, and work things out for herself. If her head is full of you telling her what she is doing wrong, then there is no space to hear her own thoughts, if you see what I mean.

LET1891

I went through something slighlty similar when I split with my now ex-wife nearly three years ago. She cheated, I caught her in the act. We have 2 children together.

She wanted to work through it and I attempted to do this. Counselling, talking, giving her space and then it actually dawned on me firstly she must have been unhappy (whether she admitted it or not) with me to do this and secondly that I had not given consideration to what I wanted.

I moved out, it was supposed to be temporary, I still visited to see the children but the time apart made me realise that we both needed to be happy for the sake of the children. I have always had trust issues and I realised I could never fully trust her again and I would always be questioning where she was and what she was doing. I decided the temporary measure was to become permanent.

Since then we are now divorced, have a good relationship, can ask favours when we need to change from our normal childcare arrangements and I would confidently say we are both happier people as a result. Money was an issue (in the early days) but you have a child, that should be the important factor.

So, can you forgive and forget? If not, you will never trust her again and it will eventually lead to more unhappiness. Maybe not tomorrow, next month or even next year but doubt will creep in. Also, don't stay together for the sake of money or children. My children are jolly little people. They may not have been if we had stayed together unhappy..

You need to take some time out and both work out what you actually want. Then you need to talk, if you have no common goals (other than to keep your child in a loving relationship) then you need to work out how to have a healthy relationship living your own lives.

I'm not trying to be patronising but am sharing my personal experience. I hope you both can look forward and work out the best for all of you with regards to the future.

Tiglath

I'd say you've both been at fault, and she's currently the one in passive-aggressive mode punishing you and hoping you'll end the marriage on the basis of her behaviour this week. I'll be honest with you - I don't think there's much hope of this working out. You don't seem to actually like each other, and with good reason on both sides you don't trust each other. If someone gave you £1million, would you still want to be married to her? Would she still want to be married to you? If I were you, I'd concentrate on untangling all the legal/financial/practical bits that have gone into building a life together, and go your separate ways, ensuring that your boy is the priority for both of you. I can only imagine how painful this is - you both have my sympathy.

mcscoobs

Faith177 wrote: »

So your saying that you think once a cheater always a cheater?

Pot kettle black much?

No I'm not, just that I've seen her do it.

Grumpygit

You sort of are controlling her by telling her who she can/can't speak to, she has to make that decision not to speak to him or speak to him in that unacceptable way ie flirting/telling each other that they want to sleep together. Until she realises that it shouldn't happen then it will carry on.

Have you asked her not to delete the texts and to tell you/show you what's been said? Why don't you invite him round for a drink and then you can assess the atmosphere and how he is with her. Ok, he had a thing for her way back, but he could be in the same situation ie loving the attention.

She will have been kicked because of your actions, and unfortunately, pain like that doesn't go away easily but she is not right in what she is doing now but only she can work that out for herself, you pointing it out won't make it any easier to live with.

Have you asked her how you move on when she doesn't want to try? Ask her for suggestions on what you as a couple should do.

Yes, your relationship won't be the same as it was when you first met as things have happened inbetween to get you both where you are now, but a relationship can survive and flourish if you both want it to - you have said that you do - so put the ball in her court and ask her how

LET1891

Tiglath wrote: »

I'd say you've both been at fault, and she's currently the one in passive-aggressive mode punishing you and hoping you'll end the marriage on the basis of her behaviour this week. I'll be honest with you - I don't think there's much hope of this working out. You don't seem to actually like each other, and with good reason on both sides you don't trust each other. If someone gave you £1million, would you still want to be married to her? Would she still want to be married to you? If I were you, I'd concentrate on untangling all the legal/financial/practical bits that have gone into building a life together, and go your separate ways, ensuring that your boy is the priority for both of you. I can only imagine how painful this is - you both have my sympathy.

You managed to post what I wanted to say in about 25% of the words. I agree entirely with you Tiglath.

Faith177

mcscoobs wrote: »

No I'm not, just that I've seen her do it.

But you have cheated too so you are as bad as each other.

I think you both need to draw a line under the past and try to find that spark again. As someone said spend time with each other & your son.

Don't keep bringing up the things she has done and her the things you have done.

mcscoobs

I just get the feeling she'd rather end the marriage than have to actually work at it, which is sad

HeadAboveWater

Rather than go by 'feeling' she'd rather end the marriage, ask her!!!! Don't assume.

Get the communication going!

VestanPance

Faith177 wrote: »

So your saying that you think once a cheater always a cheater?

Pot kettle black much?

He doesn't really have a leg to stand on due to his own actions, but I'd agree with the fact that very often cheaters repeat that action. I would have never dated anyone who'd cheated on a previous partner and I know many people who share the same opinion.

On her talking to this bloke. Yes, he is trying to control her actions. The counter point being that she is openly and willingly doing this while knowing is causes him a great deal of concern. Neither is the sign of a healthy relationship, trust in one another or care of your partners feelings.

Although the more he pushes the don't talk to the other bloke line, the more he'll be viewed as the bad guy in the wrong in all of this.

The fact neither of them seem to be able to sit down and talk through this all rationally with each other points to me at least as a completely broken relationship.