Marriage Problems

VestanPance

You both come across as being very immature in your attention seeking actions and sound more like flatmates than two people in a relationship.

EDIT: I'll possibly be called out as a male pig for this, but when a woman says the spark is gone it ain't never coming back.

Amanda65

mcscoobs wrote: »

She knows she has it good with me and my family. I put the deposit down for the flat also.

Seemingly not if she's looking outside your relationship for attention.

I really think you both need to sit down and work out what you both want for the future and agree that what has gone on is past and stop trying to apportion blame as to who has committed the 'worst' crime!

Tbh - and I appreciate that when typing attitudes and meanings can get misread - you come across as a bit of a 'she's nothing without me, should be grateful to have me' type and if she is picking this up as well it's no wonder she doesn't want to sleep with you!
I hope for your sake and your little one's you can work all this out (and your wife's) and find a happy future together

mcscoobs

VestanPance wrote: »

You both come across as being very immature in your attention seeking actions and sound more like flatmates than two people in a relationship.

I agree regards the flatmates thing

Errata

So, she's been flirting with a bloke she knows whilst you were doing your flirting & etc with any old grim tarts you found online. Have I got that right?

mcscoobs

Amanda65 wrote: »

Seemingly not if she's looking outside your relationship for attention.

I really think you both need to sit down and work out what you both want for the future and agree that what has gone on is past and stop trying to apportion blame as to who has committed the 'worst' crime!

Tbh - and I appreciate that when typing attitudes and meanings can get misread - you come across as a bit of a 'she's nothing without me, should be grateful to have me' type and if she is picking this up as well it's no wonder she doesn't want to sleep with you!
I hope for your sake and your little one's you can work all this out (and your wife's) and find a happy future together

She says she doesn't believe splitting is the right way to go. I don't want to split either. I guess my kinda attitude with regards to my past, rightly or wrongly, is that yes, I screwed up. She could have walked. But she chose to stay and work it out. So how can she use that against me now? She will use it against me forever, everytime she messes up.

How do I move on if she can't see what she's doing is wrong? Or is it just me being stupid?

Is that how I came across? I didn't mean for it to be like that! I've never once said to her that she's nothing without me, never even hinted that to her.. it's just something that i've wondered

mcscoobs

Errata wrote: »

So, she's been flirting with a bloke she knows whilst you were doing your flirting & etc with any old grim tarts you found online. Have I got that right?

In a nutshell yeah. Mine was 3 years ago, hers was this week.

Grumpygit

mcscoobs wrote: »

Other aspects, were the physical side of things... even kissing! i don't feel she spends enough time with the little one. if she can get out of feeding him, doing nappies, all the boring chores like that, she will. She said she doesn't think I listen enough and that of an evening, i'll be on my laptop or phone. I've said i'm happy to change that now I know it bothers her. I'm willing to change.

The fact she has history with this guy, is what makes it worse. I had an issue with them talking before, and it clearly didn't take long for the flirting to start, as much as she says I forced her to do it. She had a choice.

With regards the sex... I said I wanted to spice things up, as the spark is there for me. She's not interested in even trying, saying the sparks gone for her and that's it. if she has sex just to make me happy, it would feel to fake for her. I said it's not just sex I miss, I miss the kisses... I miss her saying she's missed me when i've been working nights for example.

We've tried talking. When I tell her how I feel, she just attacks my opinions, saying they are nonsense. We just don't get anywhere.

I can appreciate the laptop comment - that's something that I have complained to my oh about many a time (and playing on his phone when he gets into bed!

Have you tried to "seduce" her - surprise her with candles, meal, your little one out of the way for the night or have you just been expecting her to say ok we will try and then to help arrange everything? If you make the effort first, then she will see that you're serious about it and not just talking about it.

Also, have you asked her how she feels? I know that you've said about the spark missing etc, but have you asked her why she feels like that or what has changed?

Maybe even a blunt do you want him more than me question may make her think about it and even if it goes down the bad route of splitting up, at least you could move on.

Stop trying to get her to admit she was wrong - she knows it but won't appreciate you going on about it and it will drive her further away from you. Park it and move on

Gigglepig

mcscoobs wrote: »

After we got married, she made a confession to me. She told me that whilst she was with her ex, as their relationship was dying out, she slept with a guy at work. We worked together, which is how we met, and I knew this guy. Had I know this before my wife and I got together, I'm not sure I still would have got with her. I felt so betrayed, as that choice was taken away from me. This then made me speak to girls again for the final time. Again, we worked through it.

I am not sure why it was such a problem to you who she slept with before you were together, or why that would be an excuse for chatting up other girls? Sounds a tad controlling or double standards?

Grumpygit

Sloppy seconds?

mcscoobs

Grumpygit wrote: »

I can appreciate the laptop comment - that's something that I have complained to my oh about many a time (and playing on his phone when he gets into bed!

Have you tried to "seduce" her - surprise her with candles, meal, your little one out of the way for the night or have you just been expecting her to say ok we will try and then to help arrange everything? If you make the effort first, then she will see that you're serious about it and not just talking about it.

Also, have you asked her how she feels? I know that you've said about the spark missing etc, but have you asked her why she feels like that or what has changed?

Maybe even a blunt do you want him more than me question may make her think about it and even if it goes down the bad route of splitting up, at least you could move on.

Stop trying to get her to admit she was wrong - she knows it but won't appreciate you going on about it and it will drive her further away from you. Park it and move on

Tried the seducing route... run her a bath, with candles, cooked dinner, massage before bed... nothing. When asked about why the spark has gone. She just said that after 5 years of being together, things change and that, that's how it is now. Said that it'll never be like how it was at the start.

I appreciate it gets less, but I don't believe our sex life is healthy.

She said that Ben was messing around with the flirting. Said he's not looking to get into a relationship. Just chancing his arm and after a bit of fun then!

All I want is to move on, but without her showing any remorse, just makes it so difficult. Makes me feel like she can do what she wants in the relationship with no-one to answer to?