when do I introduce my children to new partner?

Caroline_a

Is this situation with access and the mortgage going to continue until the house is paid off or the children leave home? I think your solicitor is giving you bad advice, you need to have your own space where you and the children can live without fear of your ex taking over as he seems to be doing now.

You should be looking to either take over the mortgage, sell up, or buy him out in some way. Only then will you be able to move on. Hopefully he is paying his share of the mortgage and also maintenance towards the children....

suki1001

19lottie82 wrote: »

At the end of the day, parents splitting up and getting new partners is common extremely these days, and most of the time it ends up just fine!

But a lot of the time it doesn't. We don't know the full story. My Auntie kicked my uncle out and 9 months later started going out with a 21 year old who attempted to play step dad to my 3 cousins.

I would have loved it if my mum had met someone else, but that's because my dad left us. Had it have been the other way round and she'd have kicked my dad out, as a child I'd have viewed the situation in a completely different way.

It sounds to me like mum moved on. For the other party it can take months or years for them to get over the shock and yes the children are often the shoulders to cry on (as I was).

I'm not saying it's wrong to move one, but simply that people do at different rates, sounds like everyone else is a long way behind you.

It doesn't sound like he wanted to split up with you and if the children know that - even if he didn't say anything to them, they're going to struggle with you moving on. My parents weren't right together, although my mother couldn't see that at the time, so it was relief when they split up. But if we had seemed like a relatively happy unit and if my dad had made as much effort to see us as your ex does your children, I think I would have been devastated.

Of course I have made some assumptions, so don't shoot me down.

Some people have mentioned the control thing. I'm tempted to guess, this is a man who is devastated by his marriage break up and is really struggling to move on and cannot make his own way in life without you. It can take a lot of time to move on.

Pollycat

sharrison778 wrote: »

Can I ask why his name is still on the mortgage if you make all the payments and you are divorced?

I think things like that give mixed messages to kids - like you're still all bound together in some way.

Unless the OP can afford to buy him out and remortgage in her sole name, the building society is unlikely to allow his name to be removed from the mortgage.

They prefer to have 2 people to go after in the event that one person defaults on the mortgage.

What I would query, however, is this:

fiat500fan wrote: »

I have actually spoken to my solicitor This afternoon & sadly as I though because his name is still on the mortgage - which I pay before anyone says anything about that- he still has every right to come here.

A friend of mine changed the locks when her ex left the house, they are in the process of getting divorced, she is paying the mortgage in full and the mortgage is still currently in joint names.

Skinto_7

i am amazed at some of the comments, and all this talk about counselling to help the kids get over their "grief" blah blah.

Their seems to be a train of thought that if the kids are not happy about things then the parent should just abandon what they want regardless, this pampered,spoilt, always giving them their own way treatment perhaps explains alot about the behaviour of todays youth.

If you see this relationship as a long term plan then your children are going to have to get it used it and i would think that letting them dictate the terms of your relationship will not do anyone any good in the long run!!!

suki1001

Skinto_7 wrote: »

i am amazed at some of the comments, and all this talk about counselling to help the kids get over their "grief" blah blah.

Their seems to be a train of thought that if the kids are not happy about things then the parent should just abandon what they want regardless, this pampered,spoilt, always giving them their own way treatment perhaps explains alot about the behaviour of todays youth.

If you see this relationship as a long term plan then your children are going to have to get it used it and i would think that letting them dictate the terms of your relationship will not do anyone any good in the long run!!!

I don't think the children's feelings are indicative of them being selfish. They've been put in a very unpleasant situation. It's certainly not a modern phenomenon that children are unhappy and aren't keen when their parents move on. I've got friends whose parents were incredibly selfish when it came to relationships and putting new partners first/having affairs.
The children aren't being allowed to move on at any rate. Divorce can affect children pretty much for the rest of their lives if the arrangements aren't amicable - as I've experienced first hand. At 36 my parents have only just managed to cope with being in the same room together - weddings, funerals - yes it's always been incredibly horrible because of the atmosphere looming over these events and my mum still bad mouths my dad. That's over 20 years of having to be in the middle, of having to spend every christmas day (until I gave up) travelling about to see both parents. Of having to listen to them moan about each other.

fiat500fan

We are not quite divorced, the decree absolute will be in about 5 weeks. Its only recently hes actually agreed to let me buy him out, so next thing is agreeing a figure. No my solicitor is right sadly, its not about our married/divorce status but that his name is still on the mortgage. His post still comes to this address so you can imagine hes reluctant to change things. I am in the process of looking for a remortgage but as i said we have to agree how much the house is worth first. Ive had a valuation, but hes not happy with the figure.