when do I introduce my children to new partner?

Sambucus_Nigra

fiat500fan wrote: »

I think after 9 months you know if things are going to be serious? I tried to keep my new relationship low key and did not tell the children or my ex , however he went into my handbag and looked at my mobile one evening when he had come over to the house.

And did he tell them, or did you?

I take it he isn't allowed back into the house, and you have told him in no uncertain terms to keep his nose out of your business and his hands off your handbag?

floralaura

Edited for privacy reasons

fannyanna

I actually think it's quite important that your new partner meets your children.

He might not be cut out to be a step parent and I think you (and him) need to find that out sooner rather than later.

It's difficult as you of course need to protect your children but they can't rule your life. I agree with other posters that it may be beneficial for all involved if you could arrange some family counselling.

peachyprice

fiat500fan wrote: »

I think I am taking their feelings seriously, that's why I have asked the question. I don't think it helps that their dad blames my new partner for us not getting back together , and voices this openly and regularly. going off topic a little there...

If you were taking their feelings seriously you wouldn't NEED to ask the question.

They don't want to meet him, end of. I don't know what you expect to achieve by forcing them to when they have told you they don't want to.

Tiddlywinks

fiat500fan wrote: »

I think I am taking their feelings seriously, that's why I have asked the question. I don't think it helps that their dad blames my new partner for us not getting back together , and voices this openly and regularly. going off topic a little there...

That's not 'off-topic' at all!

Your children are in a vulnerable position - caught between the love of two parents (in their eyes).

You had only been out of the relationship for 9 months when you started dating again... for young children that 9 months won't have seemed very long at all and they may have been harbouring thoughts that you might get back together with their dad.

Your posts are short and to the pont but don't really shout that you understand that your children have a genuine concern about meeting a new man in your life - start looking at it from their perspective - they should be your priority and life should change at a pace THEY can cope with.

When you have children, it's not all about you!

Fire_Fox

19lottie82 wrote: »

Firefox, I agree with your posts a lot of the time,but this is just ridiculous! Surely you must be joking?

Surely the OP should let her new man and her DD's get to know each other in a relaxed setting without any pressure?
If either of my divorced parents introduced me to their new partner when I was a child, with the news that they were "engaged to be married", I would be very confused and angry!

And then what would happen if the kids decided they didn't like their future stepfather? Should the OP return the ring?:rotfl:

:beer: Who said anything about making an announcement and introducing simultaneously, or indeed making an announcement full stop??? I've suggested family counselling twice not springing the whole thing on them. What if the kids did hate the fiancee? The wedding waits until they build a relationship; putting your children's needs first until they turn 18 is what you sign up to when you breed. Some parents like to pick and choose when to apply that.

Lance wrote: »

So he cannot visit her place and if his kids don't want to meet her she can't go to his place so how do parents who own their own houses actually progress the relationship. Obviously they can meet when kids not about but the point is how long can daddies emotional blackmail be allowed to work and should children dictate their parents lives. After 8 months I would have him, or in my case her, visit when she felt like it and kids can get a bit of education in life and growing up. They don't need to associate with her lthough politeness would be nice. It sounds like they are punishing OP with Daddies encouragement.

Adults have been 'progressing their relationship' for many centuries without the luxury of a double bed! Anyway kids go to the NRP, for sleepovers, to their grandparents or other relatives ... parents go park up somewhere, to woods or a field, hotel room ... Meeting the children should not be about getting laid IMO.

Children should not dictate their parents lives any more than parents should dictate their children's lives. Why should the children be forced into a relationship with someone? The children are not forcing the parent to stop seeing their partner, they are expressing their own wishes in relation to themselves. Offspring choose their own friends and their own partners, only controlling or very religious parents dictate that. Just because the father rides roughshod over his children's feelings doesn't mean the mother should follow suit.

fiat500fan

I'd like to thank everyone who has replied so far. I'm in work ATM so reply properly tonight. For everyone who thinks that I don't care about my children's feelings, nothing could be further from the truth! My partner would like to meet my children as he knows how important to me they are, however he is not about to try & replace their own father

19lottie82

Family therapy for the first meeting? That's a bit drastic. Plenty of people have parents that get divorced and find New partners and most of the time it works out just fine!

Tiddlywinks

fiat500fan wrote: »

I'd like to thank everyone who has replied so far. I'm in work ATM so reply properly tonight. For everyone who thinks that I don't care about my children's feelings, nothing could be further from the truth! My partner would like to meet my children as he knows how important to me they are, however he is not about to try & replace their own father

Again, that 'replacing dad' thing may very well not be the issue... you can't presume you know why they are negative - you have to have the conversations over many weeks / months to get to the root. It could be fear of a new life, fear of moving house, fear of liking someone and then losing them or just them digging their heels in to annoy you.

Fire_Fox

19lottie82 wrote: »

Family therapy for the first meeting? That's a bit drastic. Plenty of people have parents that get divorced and find New partners and most of the time it works out just fine!

That is not what was said !!!!!!, if you actually read my posts and the context instead of assuming stuff it would make more sense!