when do I introduce my children to new partner?

fiat500fan

I don't think I have a choice at the moment? The house is still legally half his?

Seanymph

I suspect you very much have a choice. You are resident there with the children - it is your home, and you and he are seperated.

I would get new locks, and ask him to make other arrangements with regard to seeing them.

Truly (and I've walked this path!) letting him into your home just prolongs the agony. What if your new fella starts being around? You want to give him a key? He's coming round and turns up early and your OH is sitting there being all territorial and offering to make the coffee for your both?

It's a nightmare (says the woman whose husband, HUSBAND, used to get shirty when the kids dad turned up unexpectedly and had eaten his dinner when he got in from work and he was offered beans on toast, and i didn't even see the problem!).

Change the locks, get him out of your house, give you and the kids a safe place without his manipulations in it.

dancingfairy

Is it not possible to introduce the kids slowly to your new partner? For example, arrange a babysitter and then get your new partner to pick you up. He only has to knock on the door and say hi I'm x , i'm here to pick your mum up. Hardly a big deal. Again if they are there when he brings you home, just little fleeting interactions to start with.
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Thegirl

With regards to your ex, the contact in your house is not a good idea. I would have thought it's harder for your kids and him to come to terms with you not being together if they never see him in his new home/life. They won't want a new man in their house as it's the place they see their Dad, very much Dad's turf. Plus he won't ever get a new life if he's playing in his old house four days a week either. My advice would be for boundaries on this for sure.
As for the kids, I think explaining to them that you have a boyfriend, you like him a lot, that you would like them to meet him. It's good for them to meet someone you spend a lot of time with and it would be good for you to see how he is with them too. I think bribing them with a lovely day out somewhere is a good idea because the focus isn't on the boyfriend but on the day/event.

Brighton_belle

fiat500fan wrote: »

He sees the children 4 days a week, always at the house, he says the children dont want to go to his place, he is living with his parents and they don't like the parents dog. He doesnt have them overnight and when I am off work and its his turn to have the children, he will sit in the house and question me about where I am going , if I go out. I personally think he lets them get away with murder, but i've always been the 'bad cop' in parenting them.

OP, I think this is the root of the problem (that and dad's issues around selfishly saying what he is to the children) Your children have no real sense of your separation, let alone divorce: you and he are still 'together' under one roof 4 days a week. They cannot move on until this changes I think. To them there is good reaosn to believe you are only really one step away from getting back together.

I have no idea of the legals, but am suprised a separated and now divorced couple cannot have any right to privacy and private space in their own home. Am sure someone can advise on this soon.

snow_ball

Brighton_belle wrote: »

OP, I think this is the root of the problem (that and dad's issues around selfishly saying what he is to the children) Your children have no real sense of your separation, let alone divorce: you and he are still 'together' under one roof 4 days a week. They cannot move on until this changes I think. To them there is good reaosn to believe you are only really one step away from getting back together.

I have no idea of the legals, but am suprised a separated and now divorced couple cannot have any right to privacy and private space in their own home. Am sure someone can advise on this soon.

100% agree with this.

FBaby

You need to speak to your kids. Have you asked them directly why they don't want to meet him? What do they say? They are old enough to have a frank conversation with them including discussing that although you respect their emotional support to their dad it doesn't mean that they have to reject anybody new coming into their lives.

Person_one

If he sees them 4 days maybe you could start slowly by having two days at your house and two days at his, just to smooth the transition.

fiat500fan

Ok, I know a few have said that I should stoP him coming to the house as its not letting anyone move on , the children or my ex. There's nothing I'd like more but I have actually spoken to my solicitor This afternoon & sadly as I though because his name is still on the mortgage - which I pay before anyone says anything about that- he still has every right to come here. Regardless of if we are married or divorced. He won't take them to his parents , I've asked him many times and he has plenty of excuses

sharrison778

fiat500fan wrote: »

There's nothing I'd like more but I have actually spoken to my solicitor This afternoon & sadly as I though because his name is still on the mortgage - which I pay before anyone says anything about that- he still has every right to come here.

Can I ask why his name is still on the mortgage if you make all the payments and you are divorced?

I think things like that give mixed messages to kids - like you're still all bound together in some way.