when do I introduce my children to new partner?

FBaby

If there are not ready psychologically, then arranging a meeting might only set you all up on the wrong footing. They might take a dislike in him immediately, not for who he is but who he represents. That might be very hard for your partner to cope with, especially as the more effort he makes, the more likely they will act defensively. I've seen many couple who got along fantastically break up because of the children not accepting the partner.My kids met my partner 3 weeks after we met. It was very early but I knew it was the right to do for us because I knew he was the one (I know, it was fast but I did know and as it turned out I was indeed right!), because we knew we were falling in love and therefore it was dangerous to take things further if the children were going to be an issue, that as much for him as for me, and because I knew my kids were ready. I had separated from their dad when they were only 3 yo and 18 months so had hardly ever knew us together. They had time to get used to it and move on. They actually had made it clear for some time that they wanted me to meet someone as they were craving a 'traditional family' setting. If your kids are adament they don't want to meet him and you are confident it is because they don't want to accept another man if your and their lives, then it is more than time to start getting them to move on. 18 months is quite a decent time to do so. They can't rule your life forever and they need to not only understand that, but also realise that there are other possible settings that will suit them then just you and them alone or you going back to their dad. If I were you, I would have serious discussions with them to reassure them and get them used to the idea, but making it clear that a time will come when they will need to meet him and accept his presence, but that you are confident that they will like him (I assume you are confident that once their defenses are down, they will appreciate him as otherwise you wouldn't have taken the relationship further).

Torry_Quine

I think you have to be guided by the children who after all should be the most important thing in your life.

Sambucus_Nigra

How does a child know, psychologically, when they are ready to meet a parent's new partner?

Are they ever going to say 'yes, now it's time'?

FBaby

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

How does a child know, psychologically, when they are ready to meet a parent's new partner?

Are they ever going to say 'yes, now it's time'?

It's not for the child to know but the parent, and the parent would know because the child stops constantly talking about his dad when the mother refers to her boyfriend, stops referring back constantly about what their mum did with their dad, mentioning how great it would be if they were back together, start showing some interest in knowing more about the new partner, stop being accusing when mum mentions things they done together etc....

In the end, a child should have no reason to be so negative about someone they have never met unless they feel threatened by who they represent.

Sambucus_Nigra

FBaby wrote: »

It's not for the child to know but the parent, and the parent would know because the child stops constantly talking about his dad when the mother refers to her boyfriend, stops referring back constantly about what their mum did with their dad, mentioning how great it would be if they were back together, start showing some interest in knowing more about the new partner, stop being accusing when mum mentions things they done together etc....

In the end, a child should have no reason to be so negative about someone they have never met unless they feel threatened by who they represent.

And what if they are still doing that at aged 50?

fiat500fan

Just to put the record straight, I have no intention of moving my new partner in as some have (wrongly) assumed. I would just like my girls to meet my new partner and form their own opinions of him, not their fathers totally negative views.

I do feel that the children are being influenced by their dad, obviously he is not happy with how I have moved on. He is quite obsessive about me and only this week moved the last of his belongings out of the house (our previous marital home) even though we have been separated for 18 months and the Decree Nisi of our divorce was last week.

He sees the children 4 days a week, always at the house, he says the children dont want to go to his place, he is living with his parents and they don't like the parents dog. He doesnt have them overnight and when I am off work and its his turn to have the children, he will sit in the house and question me about where I am going , if I go out. I personally think he lets them get away with murder, but i've always been the 'bad cop' in parenting them.

I won't be considering family therapy- I work in mental health and don't believe its something that would benefit my children.

sharrison778

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

How does a child know, psychologically, when they are ready to meet a parent's new partner?

Are they ever going to say 'yes, now it's time'?

As an aside, my OH was really worried about telling his kids that he has a girlfriend. But when he did, the kids were totally cool with it. And even savvy enough to discuss that they wouldnt talk about it in front of their mum, in case it upset her.

Not quite the same thing but it does show sometimes children can handle situations better than we give them credit for.

sharrison778

fiat500fan
I'm not a parent so feel free to ignore if you want, but have you sat down with the kids to talk about why they dont want to meet your partner? And if so, what answer do they give?

It was over 2 years before I met my OH's kids but thats because his divorce was still going through and I didnt want the kids to associate me with their parents split (and therefore resent me for eternity!).

Seanymph

As someone on the other side I'd say you need to stop him having his access visits at YOUR house as soon as you can.

He will remain controlling - and interfering - because the seperation isn't there in his reality.

If he is somewhere they don't want to go then he has to find another solution, but your house shouldn't be it.

It's a boundary that causes trouble if he still thinks he has a foot in the door.

Sambucus_Nigra

fiat500fan wrote: »

Just to put the record straight, I have no intention of moving my new partner in as some have (wrongly) assumed. I would just like my girls to meet my new partner and form their own opinions of him, not their fathers totally negative views.

I do feel that the children are being influenced by their dad, obviously he is not happy with how I have moved on. He is quite obsessive about me and only this week moved the last of his belongings out of the house (our previous marital home) even though we have been separated for 18 months and the Decree Nisi of our divorce was last week.

He sees the children 4 days a week, always at the house, he says the children dont want to go to his place, he is living with his parents and they don't like the parents dog. He doesnt have them overnight and when I am off work and its his turn to have the children, he will sit in the house and question me about where I am going , if I go out. I personally think he lets them get away with murder, but i've always been the 'bad cop' in parenting them.

I won't be considering family therapy- I work in mental health and don't believe its something that would benefit my children.

And this will continue whilst you allow him access at the family home.