when do I introduce my children to new partner?

fiat500fan

engaged?? Really??

Looksguywalker

fiat500fan wrote: »

I think after 9 months you know if things are going to be serious? I tried to keep my new relationship low key and did not tell the children or my ex , however he went into my handbag and looked at my mobile one evening when he had come over to the house.

As previously stated by Slowhand you wait until your children are ready to meet him.

You got 'serious' with your ex. and that ended how...respect your girls wishes.

Person_one

fiat500fan wrote: »

I think after 9 months you know if things are going to be serious?

Nine months is still very definitely in the 'honeymoon' period.

Fire_Fox

fiat500fan wrote: »

engaged?? Really??

Isn't he then committing to a future with you and your family? Most couples get engaged within one to two years anyway. Maybe this is all not what you want to hear because you are in love, but everyone here is saying the same thing which doesn't happen that often. Maybe start up with family counselling? That might indirectly make your children ready quicker, at least make them happier.

Looksguywalker

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Isn't he then committing to a future with you and your family? Most couples get engaged within one to two years anyway. Maybe this is all not what you want to hear because you are in love, but everyone here is saying the same thing which doesn't happen that often. Maybe start up with family counselling? That might indirectly make your children ready quicker, at least make them happier.

Doesn't actually anyone read anymore...talk about Chinese whispers!:D

19lottie82

Hi OP, I don't agree with all the other posters. If you both have plans to form a future together then 9 months is not "early days".

If your kids are aware this man is now a part of your life, then surely they should be able to meet him and form their own opinion of him, rather than a mental picture that could possibly be based on little more than the negative picture that their father is portraying.

I'm not saying get him moved in or anything, but you know where you would like this relationship to go, and you know your girls. Use your common sense and put the feelers out.

Good luck to you all:)

19lottie82

Fire_Fox wrote: »

nine months is early for your children, maybe wait until you are engaged?

Firefox, I agree with your posts a lot of the time,but this is just ridiculous! Surely you must be joking?

Surely the OP should let her new man and her DD's get to know each other in a relaxed setting without any pressure?
If either of my divorced parents introduced me to their new partner when I was a child, with the news that they were "engaged to be married", I would be very confused and angry!

And then what would happen if the kids decided they didn't like their future stepfather? Should the OP return the ring?:rotfl:

sharrison778

I dont think 9 months is the issue but the fact that your children dont want to meet him - whether thats because they feel protective of their father or any other reason.

I understand it from the OP's perspective too. If she is in a happy relationship with a great guy, its natural for her to want to bring her children into that, to include them.

OP - my advice would be to do some groundwork first. Do you talk to your children about your new partner? Perhaps share some stories about him, or point out things they have in common. Do it slow,ly, dont force feed them stories but perhaps share some anecdotes so they start to see him as a person in his own right, rather than the person who prevented their family from reuniting.

Seanymph

They have said no, so you are onto a non brainer really aren't you - resentment from young children does not lead to a happy ever after.

IF you are undeterred by everyone saying 'not yet' - then I would say 'you guys know I have been seeing xxxx for a while, and he has invited us to go to (insert something tempting here - Alton Towers? Chessington? The millenium wheel?) - with him, I know you don't want to meet him, but thought you may like to go.

Yes naysayers, I know it's almost blackmail - but it works with children and sometimes it smooths oil on waters.

Anyway, I'd see if they got over their resentment enough to go.

If they did I would make sure no public displays of affection - that the two day trip was about him getting to know them and them getting to know him - and that it was not about them seeing you as a couple. Seperate rooms, limited touching - focused on the children and them having a good time.

It's neutral - it will be a nice shared memory (my children and OH's children were introduced to each other, and my children to him on News Year day and we went ice skating all together - I'd met his but he hadn't met mine. Six years on (and the wedding in three weeks) and they still have good memories of the first day.

There was no pressure, a lot of laughter, other things going on - it was neutral - and the focus was on the kids, not us all looking at each other in the living room. Also no chance for flouncing, ignoring, or staying in their rooms!

So I'd wait. You cannot be sure of a future with this guy because 9 months is early, but I understand it is a long time to be compartmentalising your life. So, if you want to move it along, and see if your kids and he can function as a family, then I'd say do it around an activity - make it fun - focus on the kids - and give them the chance to agree to go first (chances are they will!).

And good luck. It's hard this parenting alongside dating - I look back and wish I'd never introduced some boyfriends to my kids (I seperated from my kids dad over 15 years ago)......... but if you don't introduce them then you can't see if they get along.

Can I say one last thing?

If you have been 'having an affair' for the last 9 months away from domesticity and stress it's easy to think it's great - get ready to REALLY, and HONESTLY reassess him in the family setting. Don't let him sideline your kids - never choose him over them - and keep an open mind about whether or not it will work. It may not. He may be a brilliant boyfriend but useless at responsibility - don't try and make it fit - there are a lot of fellas out there, and this one isn't worth hanging onto at the expense of your children's feelings...... the reason people were picking up on the lol is that you appear to be sidelining their feelings to push your relationship - that worries me that you would choose him over them. (and obviously others too) - don't, listen to them, if they hate how he speaks to them (or ignores them) or he isn't tolerant or whatever then you MUST be aware of that and ensure they are safe and loved and nurtured and if that means he doesn't get to play house with you then that's the price.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you. Thinking it all through is a good idea - you can usually ease the way if you try.

Lance

So he cannot visit her place and if his kids don't want to meet her she can't go to his place so how do parents who own their own houses actually progress the relationship. Obviously they can meet when kids not about but the point is how long can daddies emotional blackmail be allowed to work and should children dictate their parents lives. After 8 months I would have him, or in my case her, visit when she felt like it and kids can get a bit of education in life and growing up. They don't need to associate with her lthough politeness would be nice. It sounds like they are punishing OP with Daddies encouragement.