when do I introduce my children to new partner?

snow_ball

Putting the children's needs first until they turn 18?? Yikes, I'm not sure that's healthy for the family or the child. That's not to say the children's needs should be disregarded, far from it, but if the OP wants to make a life with her new partner, then waiting until the children have both turned 18 is not reasonable in my opinion, especially as it seems their main reasons for not wanting to meet them are being dictated by the NRP.

WestonDave

You can introduce them as soon as you like, but if they don't want to interact with him there is little you can do about it beyond enforcing discipline over being civil and polite. Yes they are still kids but families are a collective thing that work with give and take. Regardless of the ex's interference its normal that kids want to live with both mum and dad. You've decided they can't have that, but its going to be pretty unbalanced if you make that unpopular decision and then decide that you can have what you want again by moving the new bloke in.

So the question becomes one of timing and tactics - rush it and it will be very hard to recover it from a bad initial reaction where they meet him determined to hate him and looking for every reason to do so. Leaving it isn't what you want but as time proceeds and maybe Dad finds someone else it becomes less of a betrayal for them to be half decent to the new guy.

So by all means do it now, but if you do it in the face of their obvious and ardent opposition (whether that is now or in 2 years time) don't be surprised if it turns out to be the beginning of the end of your new relationship rather than the beginning of a new family life.

Fire_Fox

snow_ball wrote: »

Putting the children's needs first until they turn 18?? Yikes, I'm not sure that's healthy for the family or the child. That's not to say the children's needs should be disregarded, far from it, but if the OP wants to make a life with her new partner, then waiting until the children have both turned 18 is not reasonable in my opinion, especially as it seems their main reasons for not wanting to meet them are being dictated by the NRP.

Again someone doesn't read what I post but what they erroneously infer. I did not say nor indeed intimate that they have to wait until the children are 18. I have REPEATEDLY suggested being proactive through family counselling which would address the NRP's comments and the children's feelings about that. Furthermore in my last post said "... waits until they build a relationship ..." I think it is perfectly reasonable for the children's needs to come ahead of the mother's wants.

Tiddlywinks

snow_ball wrote: »

Putting the children's needs first until they turn 18?? Yikes, I'm not sure that's healthy for the family or the child. That's not to say the children's needs should be disregarded, far from it, but if the OP wants to make a life with her new partner, then waiting until the children have both turned 18 is not reasonable in my opinion, especially as it seems their main reasons for not wanting to meet them are being dictated by the NRP.

Needs - yes - they should be given priority as they are the 'victims' of their parents' choices.

Wants - not necessarily - these 'wants' should be measured against the bigger picture.

If these children NEED more time to get used to the family break up and her mum's new man then that is what they NEED.

If mum wants to move on then that is her want and not her need. The family unit has issues - why add to it with bringing in a stranger (that's what he will be to the daughters).

Seanymph

Firefox you do keep repeating 'family counselling' - I don't know if you are in the UK but if you are and have children that age you will know that it will be an unusual thing for children to do.

There is a HUGE argument for treating it all as 'normal' - their not wanting to meet him and move along is also 'normal'.

Family counselling no doubt has it's place, but there are good counsellors and bad ones - it is expensive - and it makes a bigger thing of it than needs to be.

As her 'new' partner how will he take being dragged along? Does she say in front of the children how immature and destructive her ex is being? How he's using the children by emotionally manipulating them?

Chances are she doesn't - family counsellors are few and far between. Good ones are gold dust - and they all charge a fortune. And sometimes dragging children along for something absolutely bang on normal makes it a different issue....... not to mention the field day her ex would have with it.

So yes, I'm sure many people have seen you put it - but they are politely ignoring it because although it's something you advocate for lots of others it wouldn't be the knee jerk response to your kids saying they weren't right keen on playing happy families with the new fella being as their father is telling them everything is his fault.

The OP has every right to a life, and after 9 months together a meeting isn't unreasonable - but a nice, social, neutral meeting would seem to be a light way to move it forwards and educate them that what their father has been painting may not be reality - rather than dragging everyone into a room, handing out tissues and talking about 'how it feels'.

The same point doesn't become any more valuable for repeating.

snow_ball

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Again someone doesn't read what I post but what they erroneously infer. I did not say nor indeed intimate that they have to wait until the children are 18. I have REPEATEDLY suggested being proactive through family counselling which would address the NRP's comments and the children's feelings about that. Furthermore in my last post said "... waits until they build a relationship ..." I think it is perfectly reasonable for the children's needs to come ahead of the mother's wants.

I did read your post, apologies for paraphrasing but I was specifically concerned about the idea, not necessarily yours as you make clear above, that if a child never wants to meet a parents new partner then they shouldn't have to.

If the OP is in a serious relationship then I think the children should be introduced, especially if they are thinking of making a long-term commitment. Whilst this may be met with resistance initially (if purely based on dad's feelings) it is likely that they will adapt as so many children do. 9 months may be too soon or not, I'm sure the OP will be able to make that decision after seeking advice and discussing it further with her children and new partner.

Amanda65

My son's girlfriend's Mum had been seeing a man for about 7 months when she introduced them to her daughters (aged 16 and 14). It was his attitude to them and how he acted around his own daughter, who she met at a similar time, that caused her to kick him into touch 2 months later! Up to that point he had seemed 'perfect'.

I think it's a difficult situation OP and one that your daughters need to take the lead on but maybe you could sit down and talk about why they don't want to meet him and try and allay any fears they may have. Ultimately you should not push the situation but if this man is going to be in your life long term then they will need to get used to the idea of him being around and you need to find a way that works for you all. Good luck

Fire_Fox

Seanymph wrote: »

Firefox you do keep repeating 'family counselling' - I don't know if you are in the UK but if you are and have children that age you will know that it will be an unusual thing for children to do.

There is a HUGE argument for treating it all as 'normal' - their not wanting to meet him and move along is also 'normal'.

Family counselling no doubt has it's place, but there are good counsellors and bad ones - it is expensive - and it makes a bigger thing of it than needs to be.

As her 'new' partner how will he take being dragged along? Does she say in front of the children how immature and destructive her ex is being? How he's using the children by emotionally manipulating them?

Chances are she doesn't - family counsellors are few and far between. Good ones are gold dust - and they all charge a fortune. And sometimes dragging children along for something absolutely bang on normal makes it a different issue....... not to mention the field day her ex would have with it.

So yes, I'm sure many people have seen you put it - but they are politely ignoring it because although it's something you advocate for lots of others it wouldn't be the knee jerk response to your kids saying they weren't right keen on playing happy families with the new fella being as their father is telling them everything is his fault.

The OP has every right to a life, and after 9 months together a meeting isn't unreasonable - but a nice, social, neutral meeting would seem to be a light way to move it forwards and educate them that what their father has been painting may not be reality - rather than dragging everyone into a room, handing out tissues and talking about 'how it feels'.

The same point doesn't become any more valuable for repeating.

Again who said anything about dragging the partner along, he is not a member of the family? Unfortunately Daddy Dearest has stopped this being usual/ normal/ healthy situation by using his children as pawns, hence why it was suggested. IMO by forcing the children to meet the partner the mother is inadvertently leaving the kids stuck squarely in the middle. Now they have to decide if they like him and let their father down, or hate him and let their mother down.

Too many children are forced to accept a step-parent, and leave home at the first opportunity or become little monsters because they feel usurped or the NRP has been usurped. I don't think I have ever suggested family counselling on MSE prior to this thread, you seem to be confusing me with another poster.

Seanymph

Or of course they have the opportunity to meet someone, spend time with them and make their own judgement.

19lottie82

Family Counselling, seems very extreme (bizarre even), for the common event of a child meeting their parents new partner.

At the end of the day, parents splitting up and getting new partners is common extremely these days, and most of the time it ends up just fine!