Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

Person_one

daska wrote: »

This is what resonates with me. The OP has married him, they have discussed and gone through with IVF, in her view he must surely have been worth going through that with.

We 'know' from her previous threads that the stress of the neighbours was making him act bizarrely - and it is bizarre behaviour, it's not normal at all!

He was all consideration during the birth and first few days (when he was presumably not working and getting a decent night's sleep)

They return home with the baby, cue broken sleep and major stress, and his behaviour goes beyond bizarre.

I'm really not convinced that it's as simple as him just being a poo (looking for an appropriate description that gets through the filters).

If you read the OP's other thread he was threatening to leave her alone with the baby and the nightmare neighbours when she was heavily pregnant.

He was selfish and cruel before the birth, nice for a few days, and then selfish again and cruel. Seems like the nice days were the blip, and that was when the baby was in hospital not disturbing him at home.

amus

mikey72 wrote: »

Didn't seem to stop you having an opinion earlier.

You were asking me to cast aspersions on whether his behaviour is out of character, and I cannot do that without knowing the guy personally.

I can however make a judgement based on the information given, and IMO, based on the behaviour discussed, he is a !!!!.

daska

Person_one wrote: »

If you read the OP's other thread he was threatening to leave her alone with the baby and the nightmare neighbours when she was heavily pregnant.

He was selfish and cruel before the birth, nice for a few days, and then selfish again and cruel. Seems like the nice days were the blip, and that was when the baby was in hospital not disturbing him at home.

But given the amount of effort it takes to go through IVF would the OP have had sufficiently rose-tinted glasses to not see this behaviour before embarking on it?! I get the impression it's the periods of nasty behaviour which appear to be the blips to the OP. The question is why? Was she so loved up that she ignored any warning signs, if indeed there were sufficient warning signs. Has the amount of stress related to their neighbours and new baby sent him over the edge. Was he only nice in the hospital because he realised the midwives etc might see his true colours? Very simply we don't know, but I do know from experience just how awful ME can be and how it skews things. Hence suggesting that the OP go to her parents without him and demand that he gets help before she considers taking him back.

Person_one

daska wrote: »

But given the amount of effort it takes to go through IVF would the OP have had sufficiently rose-tinted glasses to not see this behaviour before embarking on it?! I get the impression it's the periods of nasty behaviour which appear to be the blips to the OP. The question is why? Was she so loved up that she ignored any warning signs, if indeed there were sufficient warning signs. Has the amount of stress related to their neighbours and new baby sent him over the edge. Was he only nice in the hospital because he realised the midwives etc might see his true colours? Very simply we don't know, but I do know from experience just how awful ME can be and how it skews things. Hence suggesting that the OP go to her parents without him and demand that he gets help before she considers taking him back.

It happens all the time, people put their best 'self' forward at the start of a relationship and by the time they show their true colours the other person feels like they're in love and sticks around hoping the lovely person they met will reappear eventually.

Cat501

Think I may have read something wrong - deleted. Sorry!

mikey72

Person_one wrote: »

It happens all the time, people put their best 'self' forward at the start of a relationship and by the time they show their true colours the other person feels like they're in love and sticks around hoping the lovely person they met will reappear eventually.

Not the
"aisle" "alter" "you"
then.

Person_one

mikey72 wrote: »

Not the
"aisle" "alter" "you"
then.

I have literally no idea what you're talking about here.

DanE2010

emsywoo123 wrote: »

You really do have something to say on every single thread on this board don't you :rotfl:

its a discussion board is there rules about how many posts you can express your opinion on? I see plenty of other people on this thread who post on lots of threads here too, how comes you have singled this one person out? Seems abit h a r sh to go out of your way to post that.

needtobecareful

OP have been reading this thread with interest and had to register in order to post...always been a lurker until now.

I am in a very similar position to you and now have a 7 week old baby. Baby's dad was diagnosed with ME after conception. His health, physical and mental deteriorated throughout pregnancy to the point we could no longer live together. I am a professional person and have always prided myself on being self-sufficient and a good judge of character.

We had a brief reconciliation at the time of the baby's birth. However nothing has changed, like you I have felt that both the baby and I are not a priority to him and that it's all about his wants rather than the baby's physical needs. Eventually I saw the light and told him this was not working. During the baby's first 5 weeks he never changed a nappy, bathed him, soothed him or offered to take him for 5 so I could shower. I totally understand that ME is a physical condition, however it can also be used as an excuse. It takes the tiniest bit of energy to hold your son for 5 mins in order for your supposed partner to shower. Even that was too much to ask. Clincher for me was the total lack of support he showed to me and the baby (he wanted) contrasted to a call from his ex wife which saw him running to help. Much happier going it alone with the support of friends and family.

I am also in the South West by chance!

Nicki

I'm glad so many of you are enjoying yourselves by being so unpleasant to each other, and also by completely disregarding how OP must be feeling if and when she reads all this stuff.

All that any of us, OP included, knows is that the partner is behaving very unkindly to the OP at the moment, and that he is not helping much with childcare and making some very unpleasant statements which are or border on domestic abuse. Nothing more than that, whatever people want to speculate.

I wonder how OP feels to read the swathes of posts to say that he is by nature a domestic abuser, that he is selfish and cruel as a character trait but has hidden this up to now and that the relationship is either over, or that the OP owes it to her baby to finish it.

The fact of the matter is that this is a hugely difficult time for the OP, who has just given birth. She may or may not decide that she does not have a future with her partner, but up until about 2 weeks ago now she was sure that she did. The objectionable behaviour she has been subjected to may be because her OH is jealous of the baby and a bit of a nob. If this is so, he may get over himself quickly and start behaving better, and OP may want to choose to forgive him and move on. The behaviour may be caused by, or made a lot worse by, his illness, and might improve soon. Or, irrespective of the reason for the behaviour, it might be entrenched and never change.

OP doesn't know what is going to happen, and neither do any of us, who don't know any of the players in this story. But lets not that stop us bludgeoning someone who is in this horrible position with a constant barrage of abuse directed at her husband and catastrophising about her situation, to win points in an argument. Oh, and lets not forget the rather dodgy "separation tactics" advice given out over the weekend, with no regard to OP's actual circumstances or financial liabilities if the relationsip breaks down, just another stick to beat the partner with.

So how about those of you who have never been post partum, and those who haven't been post partum for a very large number of years, taking a big deep breath and realising that OP is very vulnerable at the moment, and reading a stream of vitriol about her partner is not high on the list of things which is going to make her feel better at the moment. This thread could be useful if some of the extreme opinons could now be left at the door, and people concentrated on being kind and supportive to the OP, leaving any bashing of her husband unstated, until at least OP knows how things are going to resolve.