Opinions please..

*Beki*

My partner is still good friends with his ex-girlfriend, and last year he took a week off to go down to Cornwall and stay with her. I happened to be ill at the time, and wasn't best pleased about the arrangement... Apparently his Dad wasn't impressed either and told him he shouldn't be leaving me alone when I was sick!

We have argued about it in the past, but I absolutely trust him, and as my confidence has grown I worry less about it. The phone calls he makes to her have grown less frequent, and he generally talks about her less too.

I still get funny sometimes about him wanting to go for dinner/drinks with other girls though- he met another girl whilst he was working away and she invited him over and cooked dinner for him, which I thought was weird, especially because he didn't tell me initially cos he thought I'd be upset. I have in the past been a bit jealous, so to stop him hiding things now I just have to squash that feeling in my stomach and tell myself to stop being silly!

Fergie76

*Beki* wrote: »

My partner is still good friends with his ex-girlfriend, and last year he took a week off to go down to Cornwall and stay with her. I happened to be ill at the time, and wasn't best pleased about the arrangement... Apparently his Dad wasn't impressed either and told him he shouldn't be leaving me alone when I was sick!

We have argued about it in the past, but I absolutely trust him, and as my confidence has grown I worry less about it. The phone calls he makes to her have grown less frequent, and he generally talks about her less too.

I still get funny sometimes about him wanting to go for dinner/drinks with other girls though- he met another girl whilst he was working away and she invited him over and cooked dinner for him, which I thought was weird, especially because he didn't tell me initially cos he thought I'd be upset. I have in the past been a bit jealous, so to stop him hiding things now I just have to squash that feeling in my stomach and tell myself to stop being silly!

That's not right, especially if no kids are involved. If I left my wife to go and see an ex while she was health never mind ill, I would soon be her ex-husband.

You're being taken for fool, it's time to wake up and smell the coffee.

cottonhead

Personally I wouldnt like it. How would your partner act if you did the same ? If he wouldnt be happy then theres a clue that there probably is more on his mind than just being friends. Perhaps he wouldnt cross the line - he might just like the female company and its probably a boost to his confidence, but I would say even that a bit wrong. If the woman came onto him would he tel her where to get off or go along with it ? Especially if he has arranged it for just the 2 of them. Do you think he would be interested if the woman was really old for example or not at all attractive ?
I don't wish to criticise either gender but I have to say I am skeptical of platonic friendships. One party usually wants more - that just human nature. Unless the other woman is gay I wouldnt like it. Actually it would make me question why he wants to be around other women and not me, especially for soemthing like a meal at home or a concert. Sorry to say but I want to be honest - I suspect he is up to no good and just trying to cover his back by making it out that you are the one who has the trust issue. If my husband did this I would tell him in no uncertain terms to stop it. Even if it is innocent he shouldnt do it if he knows it upsets you.

bitemebankers

Fergie76 wrote: »

If I left my wife to go and see an ex while she was health never mind ill, I would soon be her ex-husband.

Sounds like a very trusting relationship...

bitemebankers

cottonhead wrote: »

Actually it would make me question why he wants to be around other women and not me, especially for soemthing like a meal at home or a concert.

Because maybe, dare I say it, he might share interests with those other women that he doesn't share with you. It doesn't mean they're going to end up in the sack.

Honestly, I can see the OP's point perfectly, but some people around here are a wee bit paranoid and insecure for my liking.

System

Re: can men and women be friends..

I'm actually best friends with one of my exes and can assure you there is no attraction on either side (yeah there might have been 8 years ago when we dated but that ship has long since sailed and he's more of a bortherly character to me now!). My current bf is fine with this (well he says he is), they havent met yet but i think they'd get on. My last ex got on with my friend fine, we even all shared a house at one point! :eek:

I do have a mixture of male/female friends, but i'm happily in a relationsip and to be honest all of my male friends got "friendzoned" very early on.

I accept that not everyone will share my viewpoint and will be admament that secretly i'm a harlot and harbouring a burning desire for any friend with a penis...

System

Re: can men and women be friends..

Bit hard though when your attracted to them though.

*Beki*

Fergie76 wrote: »

That's not right, especially if no kids are involved. If I left my wife to go and see an ex while she was health never mind ill, I would soon be her ex-husband.

You're being taken for fool, it's time to wake up and smell the coffee.

See this is exactly why I was worried initially, that I was being taken for an idiot and also what other people would think if they heard he was going out with other women.

But he's only ever had one other girlfriend, and they ended things amicably so to him it's normal to still be friends. Whereas my relationships have usually finished with us not wanting to talk to each other ever again! So I thought it was weird, but having discussed it perhaps it's the more mature way of dealing with things? Trust is very important in a relationship.

I think that men and women can be friends- at Uni we had a mixed group and were close with male and female, and I have work colleagues who I would class as friends, although would probably only meet up as a group for drinks etc.

However, I've been upset on more than one occasion when I thought a guy was a really good friend and it turned out he was only interested in getting into bed with me!

podperson

I think it depends a lot on the circumstances. I have a lot of friends who are guys - I'm not attracted to them, I'm pretty sure they're not attracted to me, we're just mates. My OH similarily has mates who are girls - it doesn't really bother me as I trust him. Tbh if someone if going to cheat on you they're much more likely to sneak around and lie about it then just say 'oh, I'm going out to xx with so-and-so'.

Saying that I was quite surprised a few weeks ago that my OH does still get jealous. I'd got 2 tickets to an event, asked my OH first but he had something on that day, so put on fb if anyone else wanted to come and a male friend texted me asking if he could have the spare ticket as he'd been trying to get them and had been gutted when they sold out. All good, I thought. OH was not happy that was just going to be me and this guy - even though he knew I meet up with him as part of a group on a fairly regular basis. I told him he was worrying about nothing - I think he thought I should think it was sweet that he was bothered :rotfl:I was just a little baffled that after 12 years he doesn't know by now that I'm not interested in anyone else!

Sorry, slight tangent there. I think in these circumstance though the OPs OH has already had a bit of a history, so he should at least be trying to understand her feelings on this rather then just brushing them aside and carrying on regardless. If I knew something was upsetting my OH then I would be trying to talk it through and reassure them as much as possible - rather then just trying to make them feel they were over-reacting, which is sounds like he's doing here.

bitemebankers

podperson wrote: »

Sorry, slight tangent there. I think in these circumstance though the OPs OH has already had a bit of a history, so he should at least be trying to understand her feelings on this rather then just brushing them aside and carrying on regardless. If I knew something was upsetting my OH then I would be trying to talk it through and reassure them as much as possible - rather then just trying to make them feel they were over-reacting, which is sounds like he's doing here.

This, exactly. They need to talk. As I suggested upthread, I think the OP needs to be really clear about how her OH is making her feel. No worries about your slight tangent - I'm as guilty as anyone for taking the thread off on a tangent.