Opinions please..

.me.

Thanks Roxan, word for word that is how it is.

I know i need to do something my side, cos he's in no hurry to change. I'm only now beginning to realize how easy it is to give advise, but how hard to follow your own when you find yourself in that situation. Oneday he will cross the line, but i know i cant wait and waste time waiting for that oneday to come.

Just feels like my reasoning is going around and around in circles and for the moment i just dont know what else to say. And while i figure it out he's getting his way and doing what he likes.

He's said about canceling the concert, but i know to make me feel bad and he wont anyway, and he's suggested finding someone else to go, but doesnt want me too and making excuses about tickets etc already, which are still available, and he'll drag it out to the last minute, go and expect me to get over it

.me.

bitemebankers wrote: »

I think the two really need to have frank and open discussion. Even if it's completely innocent, if your partner is doing someone which makes you feel insecure to this extent, you need to tell them about it and explain to them why you're feeling that way.

Believe me I have, again and again, tried talking calmly, reasoning, i've had my burst of anger or two also but thats not really me. We just get nowhere, he uses the same response everytime.

Mojisola

.me. wrote: »

Believe me I have, again and again, tried talking calmly, reasoning, i've had my burst of anger or two also but thats not really me. We just get nowhere, he uses the same response everytime.

Either he thinks he can have his "couple" life at home and a "single" life when he fancies it or he is trying to get you to walk away from the relationship because he hasn't got the courage to do it himself.

Either way, I don't see much of a future for you together.

bitemebankers

Mojisola wrote: »

Either way, I don't see much of a future for you together.

I'm afraid it's looking that way. But before rushing to any conclusions, I think the OP needs to make it clear that the way her partner is behaving is a deal-breaker. Then, if he's still reluctant to change, it's probably time to walk away.

Tropez

So in the beginning he said he wasn't too fond of socialising but more recently has changed his tune. That isn't too odd. Some people are quite happy living their lives with a small circle of friends but over time it can be that envy about other lives sneaks in. If your the person who spends their evenings and weekends in front of the telly then to hear about others doing this, that and the other can make one crave that type of relationship.

By the time men reach their mid-20s, early-30s, they tend to have a rather defined circle of friends, large or small, and don't tend to look for other friendships. Indeed, it may be that the males at your OH's place of work have seen him as the "loner" character and therefore don't consider him to be within their number. In my experience, it is women who tend to remain more open about new friendships.

Now this talk of "special" is bizarre to me. To place significance on a female friend is something I would find disconcerting. But, with that said, you say that you don't believe your OH would do anything untoward, your lack of trust is in the woman he has chosen to spend time with and your fears are based on your OH becoming "bored" of you. Perhaps then the issue is not with your OH but with your self-esteem.

However, even if your self-esteem is the root issue, your OH should be more understanding of your insecurities, within reason of course, and accept that you don't want him to spend too much time with this woman alone. Unfortunately, if he's stubborn, he may consider your request to be unfair and display a lack of trust in him and if he genuinely has no desire to cheat on you may offend him but this is something that you do need to communicate about, lest it damage your relationship.

And for what it's worth, although I tend to do most of my work from home, when I am in the office there is a woman working there who I get along really well with but because I'm aware that to an outsider it could look like a Tim & Dawn/Jim & Pam type of relationship whenever she asks me to do things such as go for a drink, I tend to make an excuse, because although I don't think my partner would be jealous (they have met several times) I don't really want to risk upsetting her.

VestanPance

Sounds very suspect to me, but I'm a blokey bloke. No female friends at all. All my friends are male.

.me.

Tropez wrote: »

By the time men reach their mid-20s, early-30s, they tend to have a rather defined circle of friends, large or small, and don't tend to look for other friendships. Indeed, it may be that the males at your OH's place of work have seen him as the "loner" character and therefore don't consider him to be within their number. In my experience, it is women who tend to remain more open about new friendships.

Now this talk of "special" is bizarre to me. To place significance on a female friend is something I would find disconcerting. But, with that said, you say that you don't believe your OH would do anything untoward, your lack of trust is in the woman he has chosen to spend time with and your fears are based on your OH becoming "bored" of you. Perhaps then the issue is not with your OH but with your self-esteem.

He's certainly not a loner, he works in a smallish office, and is good friends with a few of the guys, goes off n does stuff with them too. Infact I've never met anyone that doesnt get alone with him and like him.

Until last yrs incident, my self esteem was fine, since then yes it rather has crashed and my fears have come up. But this was due to his relationship with that woman, his lack of boundaries, hiding things from me and doing things and having chats that you'd really only have with someone really close.

VestanPance

Tropez wrote: »

By the time men reach their mid-20s, early-30s, they tend to have a rather defined circle of friends, large or small, and don't tend to look for other friendships. Indeed, it may be that the males at your OH's place of work have seen him as the "loner" character and therefore don't consider him to be within their number. In my experience, it is women who tend to remain more open about new friendships.

I'd agree with this. That pretty much describes the situation of most people I know.

Tropez

.me. wrote: »

He's certainly not a loner, he works in a smallish office, and is good friends with a few of the guys, goes off n does stuff with them too. Infact I've never met anyone that doesnt get alone with him and like him.

Until last yrs incident, my self esteem was fine, since then yes it rather has crashed and my fears have come up. But this was due to his relationship with that woman, his lack of boundaries, hiding things from me and doing things and having chats that you'd really only have with someone really close.

So, given that you say in the early years of your relationship your OH wasn't much of a going out type, did the going out with male friends at work begin, or increase, around the same time he started hanging about with the woman whose friendship towards him you found upsetting? If it did, then it could well be he's not "seeing" gender, if you catch my drift, when he makes plans. He's just "seeing" friends.

It really depends what lack of boundaries he had. You say it was an "emotional affair" but I'm not a big believer in those, although the hiding things is a red flag, but then that too depends on what is being hidden.

As for the chats - the truth is there's not an insignificant number of men that find it difficult or nearly impossible to have "serious" chats with their male friends, yet can do so with a female, but once again it depends on the context and content of these chats. Discussing emotional issues alone may not in itself be something to be concerned about, no matter how deep they may seem, unless of course talk of love or such feelings were arising.

VestanPance

I must admit I've know many of my friends since I was a young child, and I've very rarely ever had a chat about anything emotional. I think we bond on typically male things like out humour, politics, sports etc.

Even in peoples darkest times things have tended to fall on the get the lad out and get him laughing, rather than talking about any emotional stuff. I actually think it's very rare for men to open up emotionally to each other, even for life long friends. Most guys will try and figure that stuff out alone in my opinion. I think in contrast women like to discuss these issues at length with their friends to get opinions or validate their plans.

If a guy opens up to another women other than his partner I'd be thinking he at least has some feelings for her beyond basic friendship.