What is your opinion on children before marriage?

mrcow

Torry_Quine wrote: »

That's my point exactly though! If you don't want to have children before marriage then get married first before hving sex.

If I'd got married to everyone who I'd had sex with, I'd have a wardrobe full of wedding dresses.

daska

Millie2008 wrote: »

This is what I am planning to do before bump arrives I will keep my title and old name for work, but will be Mrs OH for everything else. Makes perfect sense

One day we will get married, but when it suits us and it will be how we both want it to be

I'm sure you'll be just fine, but a warning for those who won't be: Wills can be re-written and you may not know about it until your partner dies. Which is probably not a problem if there's no property, savings etc but if there are then make sure the property is in your or joint names and the savings and investments are all in your name or require both signatures to access. Or you could end up like my friend who found they were homeless less than 24 hours after their partner died.

Torry_Quine

mrcow wrote: »

If I'd got married to everyone who I'd had sex with, I'd have a wardrobe full of wedding dresses.

:rotfl::rotfl:

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Been together over 25 years, not married , had two children.It has worked for us.

Neither of us feel the need to be 'married' we are committed to each other and that is enough for us.

We may have to get married purely for financial reasons now though, and I dread the thought of going through all that ritual.

As someone else said 'each to their own'.

So don't have a public ritual, just the private one. I am sure we have discussed this before. . Dh and i loved our quiet day. Although we were anning a big wedding with our families, the slip away one was actually better for us and our circumstances. Its a marriage not a wedding. Your relationship is 'there' so the finances, and any other unforeseen legalities can be tied up in very little money and time. You could do it before halloween.

For us, the rush was nok really, although i had asked that dh, then df or dear bf, was the go to for medical traetment and legal stuff this was not always happening. Making it legal was the quickest, simplest way of doing it. I was also finding that i had a monster of the bride, and a fil not far off as bad, and i was in danger of turning a bit bridezilla ( i wanted a dark cream/coffee coloured dress which my mother hated, and i was not 'allowed' my choice of flowers as they were vulgar which made me cry. Flowers are not worth crying over, and i did not want to see myself act like a jerk over something silly, or so much miney go on one day)

TheMarchHare

I think the idea of getting married before you have kids is that you are making a commitment to each other before taking the bigger step of producing life together. Logically, if you can't commit to one person, how can you commit to two, three, etc?

However looking at it in this cynical day and age, unfortunately marriage isn't the 'eternal bond' it used to be. It's easy enough to divorce people these days, kids or no kids. Whereas you might be less likely to break up a marriage if there are children involved, their presence won't stop it from happening, and won't stop it being unhappy if you remain together.

People can live together, marry, and be terrible parents. People can be in a happy, committed relationship, unmarried, and be amazing parents.
An ex-couple I know got married, had kids, divorced, and both of them are still amazing parents - they have equal custody, have made sure the kids were unaffected as possible, and one of them has even gone on to re-marry.
Marital status does not a good parent make.

I personally plan to get married before having kids. I have been in a relationship with my partner for over 6 years, we are now engaged, and are looking to marry in the next couple of years (money-dependent) and have kids soon after that. I would not, however, be particularly upset if we were to get pregnant before the 'big day', just a little surprised that the contraception wasn't working

lostinrates

Blue_Elephant wrote: »

Surely it should only be important to whoever's having the kids?

If you don't like having kids before marriage, don't, and if you don't mind then it's up to you.

I find it really weird that in this day and age we're still judging people on either having kids out of wedlock, or on the other hand decrying those who have the "traditional" (read backward) view.

Surely life is hard enough without having to fit into other people's boxes?

Any one who judges kids pn their parents marital status is too idle. But that does not mean there are not valid financial and legal reasons to marry (or civil partnership) and those choices might impact on any kids later.

Not marrying may be not getting round to it or seeing the point, but it is also not making a legal commitment to eavh other and a financial link that shows the state that that is how you wish your finances etc to be considered. (which must remain a legal choice imo, to NOT commit)

For me morality or spirituality or romance tbh have nothing to do with it, but the choice to withold or make a legal commitment is, and that is relevant to whether i would want children in a (very good) relationship or not. So, not just about the partners but about the others who have no say in the decision sometimes.

System

I've got it in my head that i want to be married before i have kids.

Selfishly because i'd like to have a few years to experience being married and enjoying that time before giving it up (for the next 18 ears!) to have kids. My parents were married before they had me so i guess that made it seem like the right was to do things. That said the are also divorced, but again, iin my mind, i've told myself i am only going to get married the once. I do not want to put my potential kids through a break/up divorce, so i want to make sure i am with the right person (who is therefor marraiage material) before having kids with them.

Also..i'm not keen on the idea of kids at weddings, so it would be easier not to already have my own when i get married...

That probably makes no sense and is probably outdated and old fashioned

System

I was bought up to believe that marriage came before children and so i got married before i had my children.

I'm a lot more easy going these days. Ive been divorced once, so these days marriage doesnt seem any more stable for children than living together so marriage for me isnt as important as it was. However, i still dont like the idea of having a different surname to my children but theres always ways round that.

ikkle87

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

i'd like to have a few years to experience being married and enjoying that time before giving it up (for the next 18 ears!) to have kids.

Me and my OH were friends for years before we became a couple, then we lived together as a couple for a while gradually moving from a bedsit in a shared house to a 1 bedroom flat to a 2 bedroom home before trying for a baby. Wearing a ring and having a certificate wouldn't make our experience of living together any different, nor would it change the way we spend/t our time.

As it stands now, personally I don't want to get married, it doesn't mean I am not committed to my OH though. I wouldn't be having a child with him if I wasn't. I would be quite happy to change my name via deed poll to my partners and soon to be sons surname though.

claire16c

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Its entirely up to the couple whether they should abstain and for what period of time. I also don't like to call a baby 'an accident' rather I like the term unplanned.

But why abstain when you could just use contraception?

A 'Happy Accident' then