What is your opinion on children before marriage?

duchy

ikkle87 wrote: »

Me and my OH were friends for years before we became a couple, then we lived together as a couple for a while gradually moving from a bedsit in a shared house to a 1 bedroom flat to a 2 bedroom home before trying for a baby. Wearing a ring and having a certificate wouldn't make our experience of living together any different, nor would it change the way we spend/t our time.

As it stands now, personally I don't want to get married, it doesn't mean I am not committed to my OH though. I wouldn't be having a child with him if I wasn't. I would be quite happy to change my name via deed poll to my partners and soon to be sons surname though.

See this is the thing-I understand this poster-to her marriage isn't relevant -so the stability of their relationship doesn't need a ring to them.....................BUT what I don't understand is where marriage is what they want but don't wait to have children til after. On the waiting to propose thread there's quite a few with kids already still waiting for a proposal. If marriage is important to you as a couple surely it should come before the kids arrive ????

My parents didn't marry until I was seven although everyone (including close family) assumed they had married before I was born. Even I didn't find out til I was forty...........To them marriage was important and the fact they had felt unable to marry due to religious pressures was something they never told anyone even those closest to them. I don't really get it even now tbh -in their shoes I'd have done what they eventually did ....but far earlier -and just trotted off one Monday morning for a quick civil ceremony and back in time for morning coffee They incidently were the most married couple I've ever known entirely united, loyal and complimented each other -a bit of paper to ME didn't make them any more or less married but it did to THEM !

gregg1

VestanPance wrote: »

I'm old fashioned, as I think it should be done when married. Long term unmarried couples who don't want to marry is perfectly fine too, but I can't help shaking my head when you get the 'I met a bloke three months ago and now I'm pregnant' stories.

I guess that puts me with being fine with it for long term couples married or not, but look down on those people that just go out on a baby hunt. Not a PC thing to say, but I firmly believe there are very few "accidents" despite what the parties involved may claim.

Completely agree with you on this. Although I suspect we are in the minority.

Person_one

onlyroz wrote: »

What I don't get is why people intend to marry but then have the baby first. If you're going to do both anyway then surely you might as well do it the right way round?

Well, first there's the fact that not everybody always agrees on which is 'right'. Its not categorical!

duchy

Aubergine wrote: »

I often hear people talk about this but I don't quite get it. I live with my partner and we have a child. We have no plans to marry. If, for example, my partner dies, does this mean that his family can take everything from me?

Very likely unless you take legal steps to ensure otherwise. His family are his nearest relatives (and your child). If the house isn't in joint names for example then you would have no automatic right to all of it and possibly not any of it. It really is something the two of you should discuss and make legal provision for.

janninew

It was very important to me to be married before we had children. I'm quite old fashioned (even though I'm still quite young!) I wanted to be married, have a house, a stable job and money in the bank before any babies came along. Was married for 3 years when I had our first child and we had everything in order. Most of my friends have children and aren't married, doesn't bother me and I don't think any less of them. Whats important to some isn't to others.

bossymoo

I married before having children, and we planned it that way. I have to say, now, I'm very glad we did, as I now find myself a widow with two very young children, and on top of the emotional pickle I'm in, had we not been married, I would be in a horrible financial pickle too.

It did mean that as legal next of kin, I was entitled to deal with his affairs in my way, entitled to financial assistance, and encountered very few hurdles in dealing with things. Most eg pension companies etc just took my signature and a copy of our marriage certificate.

I didn't need the stress of a more complex set up at that time.

However, that isn't why we did get married. We just wanted to!

VfM4meplse

I'm another one who believes in serious legal commitment first: quote from the Changes in Domestic Abuse thread:

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Admittedly jumping into bed with someone and starting a family before you actually know them properly can make things harder in the long run but there's a simple solution: horse first, cart second.

What is wrong with living a life and learning before jumping into a relationship? I don't get the rush to become a couple when you could be making your way in the world independently first. Learning to support yourself financially to me is more important than anything else, after that you're ready to share with another and support a new human being.

The Izzy / Gary storyline in Corrie is an example of willful stupidity...they're going down the route of surrogacy yet marriage hasn't even been a consideration. Just the other week they split up (not so easy if you're married), not so long ago Gary was complaining about childcare, before that he was in the nut hut suffering PTSD. It's just a soap but it is utter madness!

janninew

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I'm another one who believes in serious legal commitment first: quote from the Changes in Domestic Abuse thread:

What is wrong with living a life and learning before jumping into a relationship? I don't get the rush to become a couple when you could be making your way in the world independently first. Learning to support yourself financially to me is more important than anything else, after that you're ready to share with another and support a new human being.

The Izzy / Gary storyline in Corrie is an example of willful stupidity...they're going down the route of surrogacy yet marriage hasn't even been a consideration. Just the other week they split up (not so easy if you're married), not so long ago Gary was complaining about childcare, before that he was in the nut hut suffering PTSD. It's just a soap but it is utter madness!

Agree about Corrie, you would think it would be more realistic!! Surrogate's aren't allowed to make money, just have their expenses paid for, yet Tina and Tommy and supposedly going to use this '15k' to pay off their debts!

LandyAndy

Our sons looked very smart at our wedding.

no1catman

Sorry to be controversial, but something that occurs to me - especially with comments about wills.

With the way many people regularly use 'bad' language, e.g. all sorts of 'fs' flow quite freely. Yet, the swear word of '!!!!!!!' seems rarely used - is it because there are now so many!??