You have to work hard at a marriage?

Dunroamin

sassyblue wrote: »

We both work and have a young family so l can understand that situation. Yes, we're in the house together as a family but it's not quality time hubby and l spend together.

But don't you have hours with just the two of you when the children have gone to bed?

Northern_Princess

I wouldn't say marriage is hard work. We never argue or bicker and agree on almost everything. The hardest part for us is fitting in quality time together as hubby works long and awkward hours. He has days off when I'm at work and I have weekends off when he's at work :eek: We do make sure we have one weekend together each month and 2 evenings a week.

I would say the hardest part of our marriage so far was when my hubby's mother in law (we are both widowed) had a terrible 'tantrum' when we got engaged. When we got married she made her feelings well known that he should never have remarried It was hard for both of us as we both had loved our partners very much and we were put under immense pressure even though it was a number of years since they died. Our marriage wasn't hard as such but appeasing others about it was. However, that only made us stronger as a couple

Torry_Quine

I do think that marriage to succeed is hard work but that to me just means putting in the effort needed. There are times when one of us needs to put far more into it than the other such as illness or unemployment.

Loulou2010

do i have to work hard at marriage? yes i do.

marriage has taken a lot of work for me and hubby. we've been together for 12 yrs and married for 4 of them but everyday is hard work. does that mean we shouldnt be together? no. does it mean we dont love each other? no. in fact, it is because we love each other we keep going. drifting apart, seperating... would be less hard work but not the right thing.

bit of background. hubby pulled me out of an abusive relationship when i was 18. he was a friend who wasnt going to sit back and watch it happen. i was being abused by my stepfather at the same time. he helped me out of depression and an eating disorder. life got better, stepfather off the scene. we grew closer and life as good. i had my ways which he accepted. i didnt talk about my past. it was like it didnt exsist.

we still had to work at things. i was still weary of men. the physical side of the relationship took a lot of hard work on my behalf, mainly down to the abuse. but things were still good. we set a date for the wedding, i fell pregnant, had our ds and then everything fell apart. PND hit me full force and i decided i couldnt cope anymore and walked out on them. alcohol replaced everything. hubby held things together, never gave up on me. he sought help for me. he ended up fighting his own depression. bringing up a baby when he had never held a baby before wasnt the easiest thing he had done.

eventually i saw the light at the end of the tunnel. i was disagnosed with clinical depression and aspergers. got some help and we have managed to work through things. our ds is now 3 and we are expecting our 2nd in a few weeks. the depression is still there as is the aspergers. they will always be there. hubby has to work hard at times to remember that its the depression talking or that its the aspergers. it takes a lot if hard work for me to communicate with him and not expect him to be a mind reader and know what is wrong.

i'm not the easiest person to live with. i can quite easily drift off in to my own little world. my safe place. but i fight hard against it because i love my hubby and son. it would be wrong to say that we shouldnt be together because it takes a lot of effort. i see it as the fact i step out of my comfort zone and into his, means i love him. isnt that what we do for the people we love?

anyone who glides through life without hitting any bumps in the road, should seriously consider themselves lucky. life is like that for very few. everybody has to work hard at something and for me it is to be with the man and child i love.

BugglyB

JodyBPM wrote: »

We're in the sad situation where a couple of our closest couple friends' marriages are breaking up. In conversation it came up that "marriages are very hard work", which both the female parts of these couples agreed with. I kept fairly schtum, as in all honesty, I don't think my marriage is hard work.

I asked DH when I got home, and he said he didn't feel that marriage was, or should be, hard work.

I think at times our lives have been hard work, a flurry of housework, bickering children, work etc, but our marriage never so. I don't feel we work hard at all at our marriage!

So in general, do you think that you need to work hard at marriage? Or was that comment more because the person saying it is currently in a failing marriage. I guess I can see that keeping a failing marriage together could be hard work, but an average, happy marriage surely not?

Do you work hard at your marriage? Or do you see having to work hard at a marriage as a danger sign that all is not right?

It's an expression I've heard quite a lot tbh, but I've never given any thought to, and now that I do, I am not sure that I agee with it.

I've been with DH nearly 15 years and married close on 10 btw, so I'm not a love struck newlywed!

Some people obviously marry the wrong person to start with, and thats difficult. For the rest of us, I think the hard work comes when things go wrong. Mental illness, bereavement, financial troubles, one of you accidentally burns the house down, that kind of thing. Perhaps your son grows up to be a drug dealer and extorts money from you. Who knows what the future holds.

Sometimes people change, beyond recognition, by these events, and then the hard work comes. Compassion and forgiveness are often harder than anger and bitterness.

As others have pointed out 10 years marriage is not that long over the course of a lifetime. Yes, you do sound smug, and I genuinely hope it stays that way for you forever

poorly_scammo

I've been with my OH for 14 years in total with a break of a year in between and sometimes it is hard work being together. I have been battling various illnesses for some time hence the username and it has been difficult for us both.

I have never however, had a 'Mills and Boon' view on long-term relationships. I do not expect to gaze longingly at him over the frozen foods in Sainos nor do I expect a relationship without arguments.

I'd also like to point out that some get married/have long term relationships because they feel societal pressure to do so. I don't believe that everyone is cut out to be with one person for a long time. I had a friend (no longer alive) who had been married three times and realised that she was happiest single and that was her 'natural state'. Perhaps those who are finding their relationships 'hard work' are like this; perhaps they have an unrealistic view of what a LTR is about; perhaps they're with the wrong person who knows. Not everyone is the same.

Tiglath

It can be lonelier in a marriage than being single. Will we make it longterm (married 11 years)? I don't know - his spare time is either out doing voluntary work or chatting to friends on Skype or Facebook. I feel invisible sometimes, and he's not there for me when I have serious health problems. I'm left to cope with all the housework although I work much longer hours, and the house is falling down because he refuses to do any DIY on the grounds that he doesn't have time. He won't even discuss our issues - I tried yet again this week and got nowhere. So yes right now marriage for me is hard work, and I question whether it's worth it. Not sure if we even love each other any more. We did once.

catkins

I have been married over 30 years and would not say I have found it hard work. There have been some rough times - money worries and problems, problems with family and health problems. I suffer from depression and have had some very bad periods with that and panic attacks.

The rough times were sometimes difficult to get through but I still wouldn't say it was hard work. I think the fact that we are best friends as well as lovers meant that even in the tough times, and there have been times when I felt that I didn't love him (although it didn't last long) and I know he has felt the same about me, we have still been friends.

We don't have children and I feel in some ways this has made things easier for us. No offence to anyone with children and I know there are plenty of happy couples with children but they can put a strain on a relationship. It also means we have always had quite a lot of time to spend with each other

VestanPance

I didn't find it hard work at all, but then I'm divorced so what do I know?

In fact I'd argue that if you do find it hard work then you're either with the wrong person, or one or both of you is damaged emotionally in some way that causes friction.

One of my friends is in a marriage that all him and his wife do is bicker, argue and annoy each other 24/7. Never understood how they can be bothered with that drama, but they've been like that since day one!

threemuttleys

I work flexible shifts, OH works long hours, we have a small child and not a lot of money.

Yes, our relationship can be hard work.