You have to work hard at a marriage?

JodyBPM

We're in the sad situation where a couple of our closest couple friends' marriages are breaking up. In conversation it came up that "marriages are very hard work", which both the female parts of these couples agreed with. I kept fairly schtum, as in all honesty, I don't think my marriage is hard work.

I asked DH when I got home, and he said he didn't feel that marriage was, or should be, hard work.

I think at times our lives have been hard work, a flurry of housework, bickering children, work etc, but our marriage never so. I don't feel we work hard at all at our marriage!

So in general, do you think that you need to work hard at marriage? Or was that comment more because the person saying it is currently in a failing marriage. I guess I can see that keeping a failing marriage together could be hard work, but an average, happy marriage surely not?

Do you work hard at your marriage? Or do you see having to work hard at a marriage as a danger sign that all is not right?

It's an expression I've heard quite a lot tbh, but I've never given any thought to, and now that I do, I am not sure that I agee with it.

I've been with DH nearly 15 years and married close on 10 btw, so I'm not a love struck newlywed!

lazer

I don't think it is the marriage per se that is hard work, it is dealing with the knocks in life that can be hard work, and soemtimes making time for each other during the hard times in life - makes people say the marriage is hard work?

PS - I am not married yet but soon will be!

Marriage is a committment and I think some people think all relationships should be fluffly and romantic all the time, and aren't prepared to take the rough with the smooth within a relationship and as soon as the going get rough they want out, instead of working through it, I think with communication, compromise and love I think most things can be overcome.

Gillyx

I'm not married but in a long term relationship and I do work hard at it. I work hard to have quality time together. I'm continually knackered I work hard at not taking that out on my OH.

I certainly don't feel we're in a failing relationship, more that at the moment, we're in stressful situations that make the relationship difficult.

InsideInsurance

I can see that being in a relationship can be hard work, obviously being with the right person can make it a lot easier. It is also heavily influenced with what happens in your life as that can inevitably put pressure on the relationship.

mummybearx

My marriage is not hard work. At all. Been together over 10 years, married for two.

We do have 'rules' though, that help us get by. Never go to bed on an argument is one of them, that one is a biggie! And we try and have an argument a day, it helps to clear the air :rotfl:

We don't keep things built up, don't resent each other, allow each other to do what we like (no problems with him going out with friends for example).

We love each other deeply, really deeply, I cannot imagine my life without him. Everyone comments how 'perfect' we are for each other, but honestly, we just want to be together. We want to be a couple, a husband and wife, lovers, friends, we want it all. Soppy as it sounds, there isn't anything difficult in that. We don't compare ourselves to others, I don't want him to act like so and so, he doesn't want me to become X's wife... We are happy together

newcook

Im not married but I think all relationships take some work (some more than others) whether its with your OH, friends or family.

Most of the time the ‘work’ that goes into relationships comes naturally so it feels as if no work is necessary as you are communicating with the other person – its when communications dwindle that people say its hard work!

I know from an old boyfriend that relationships can be hard work if only one of you is willing to communicate and put time and effort into it.

Noctu

I think on one hand you could say it's purely semantics, working at a marriage vs working at life whilst married.

However I'd argue that the key is to work at not letting the hard parts of life spill over into the actual marriage.

belfastgirl23

Yes it is sometimes work. Sometimes it's work to put his needs in front of mine - to listen when I'm tired, to not snap when I've had a bad day, to not nag if he hasn't done something that I have an expectation he should have done. There are times when I do more of the heavy lifting and times when he does more.

I actually prefer to think of it as work at times - there are bits you have to grit your teeth and do - but there are a lot of rewards too. But I can see why another person might not label it as work.

Bottom line for me is that you can't sustain a lack of investment in the relationship. Yes you can go through times where you both are investing elsewhere but you need to make up for it at other times. In my view it's important to keep an eye and to make some decent time for each other. And to admit when you can't manage this.

This is nearly 25 years in by the way

podperson

I don't think marriage is necessarily 'hard work' but I think you do need to put work into it. I know some couples who make no effort to spend time together and completely take the other for granted and sometimes I do slightly wonder what the point in them being together is.

I can be completely snowed under with work and have no time for myself - but will still try and rearrange my week to spend a night with my OH. Trying to put the effort in to spend time together, supporting each other with things we're trying to achieve, looking for little things to do to ease the pressure if the other person is having a stressful week - all these things do require 'work' but I don't think they're signs of a relationship being 'hard work'.

Also, as someone mentioned above, I think some people seem to think that because you're 'in love' or something that everything is always going to be easy. There will always be certain times when things do seem like hard work - either directly because of an issue with the relationship or because life in general just impacts on it. If you're in a strong relationship then you can generally accept this and work through it.

dizsiebubba

Not married so feel free to moan at me commenting.... lol .... but have been with OH 6.5 years and having his baby so you know...

I think if it is hard work and you have to work on it then it just isn't the right relationship... but then my parents and my grandparents are still in love like the day they met and don't have to work on it and i don't have to work on it in my own relationship...

Dunroamin

I can't understand how people can say it's hard to find time to spend with each other - unless one person works away or does difficult shifts, I can't see how this situation can come about.