You have to work hard at a marriage?

lostinrates

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

It's wonderful your children bring you together. You're lucky to have neurotypical children. However our sons ASD is a wedge, I love him and in all respects wouldn't have it any other way. But nightly dealing of his anxiety about bedtime, the dark and being alone means one of us has to sit with him every night, every day of the year. I have friends who's kids are in bed by 6.15pm every night and the evening is their own. We don't have that luxury and therefore making time for one another does require a lot of effort.
I perhaps do sound snotty about this issue but I find some of the comments are taking their easy relationship for granted. Just because someone says their marriage takes hard work doesn't mean it's wrong and that yours is better but that their circumstances are different to yours.

I do agree about the semantics, to me gardening is hard work but it's not necessarily a chore like cleaning the loo. It's something that has to be done to keep things ticking over because our circumstances impact so much.

Bitsy, it would not have to be a child with problems. It could be, for example, a child with extreme talent, or just serious competeing hobby, for example, or two demanding careers, or a serious hobby for one or both adults. E.g. A friend of mine has a husband who seriously resents her horse, and feels she put it before their marriage, whereas she feels he put his want for her to be a stereotypical sahm above her need for a release valve.....her horse. I think it comes down to lack of communication and failure to compromise. ( and he is a bit of a freak tbh)

marisco_2

FBaby wrote: »

Does arguing constitute hard work? I think it does, but wondering if other can see it as part of a 'normal' marriage and therefore not 'hard work'.

I think it depends on how you argue. If it's all shouting, swearing, ranting, raving and refusing to even consider each others point of view then yes that would be bloody hard work.

If you disagree on things and can each argue your point in an adult way, really debate over something, then no it's not hard work. It all comes down to how healthy your communication with each other is. How much you respect each others right to have their own opinion. Be willing to try and see things from each others persepctive.

Bitsy_Beans

lostinrates wrote: »

Bitsy, it would not have to be a child with problems. It could be, for example, a child with extreme talent, or just serious competeing hobby, for example, or two demanding careers, or a serious hobby for one or both adults. E.g. A friend of mine has a husband who seriously resents her horse, and feels she put it before their marriage, whereas she feels he put his want for her to be a stereotypical sahm above her need for a release valve.....her horse. I think it comes down to lack of communication and failure to compromise. ( and he is a bit of a freak tbh)

Oh I completely agree, everyones circumstances and pressure points are different.
My comments were more aimed at my personal experience of how a reasonably happy marriage can require some hard work and effort. Not least learning to try and rein in my desire to scream at the end of the day when DS (bless his cotton socks) has been particularly loud and relentless :rotfl:

lostinrates

marisco wrote: »

I think it depends on how you argue. If it's all shouting, swearing, ranting, raving and refusing to even consider each others point of view then yes that would be bloody hard work.

If you disagree on things and can each argue your point in an adult way, really debate over something, then no it's not hard work. It all comes down to how healthy your communication with each other is. How much you respect each others right to have their own opinion. Be willing to try and see things from each others persepctive.

Dh and i al ost never argue. And it annoys the dockens put opf me at times:o. Even not arguing can be hard work if the wond blows the wrong way in other areas of life or marriage.

poet123

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

Oh I completely agree, everyones circumstances and pressure points are different.
My comments were more aimed at my personal experience of how a reasonably happy marriage can require some hard work and effort. Not least learning to try and rein in my desire to scream at the end of the day when DS (bless his cotton socks) has been particularly loud relentless :rotfl:

I think that if your marriage wasn't so strong though it may well have folded under the pressure of having a child with complex needs. I work with a lot of children and young adults with special needs and it is draining, how much more draining must it be to have that 24/7? So, in some ways you have been tested as most of us never have, and come through.

FBaby

lostinrates wrote: »

In fact, a lot of the things we like doing are 'hard work'. With rewards.

This is exactly how I see it. Our relationship is better and stronger because we get the rewards of working hard to make it good. To be very honest if all was perfect I think I would get bored!

andygb

We have been together for 22 years (married for 20), and we have been through some tough times (at the moment is really tough), but they are mostly outside influences, and not the way in which we interact. We have had family problems, where other relations have caused problems for us, and also tried to split us up. We have had work and money problems, and I have had health problems.
Through all of this, we have stayed together (touch wood), and always cuddle up to each other in the evening, and hold hands when we go out for our daily walk.

jayII

Yes, it can be hard work at times, those are the times that test us and make the relationship, and us, stronger. Generally I think that living with another adult isn't always easy and takes work at times.

Having children can certainly put a strain on a relationship at times, but who said that life should be easy?

For me, every second is worth it. I adore my OH and love spending time with him, he feels the same about me. For the record we have been together 22 years and have some almost grown teenagers. We're a very close family but that has taken work at times.

Nothing worth having is easy to come by.

Bitsy_Beans

poet123 wrote: »

I think that if your marriage wasn't so strong though it may well have folded under the pressure of having a child with complex needs. I work with a lot of children and young adults with special needs and it is draining, how much more draining must it be to have that 24/7? So, in some ways you have been tested as most of us never have, and come through.

Not sure I'd say I'd come through it it's currently a daily plod :rotfl:

Dunroamin

lostinrates wrote: »

Why could not both people have dificult shifts or demanding, travel including jobs?

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Well, of course if both people work shifts it's even more complicated!