You have to work hard at a marriage?

Bitsy_Beans

I am curious as to whether the OP has children.

My marriage has certainly been much harder work since having young children, one of whom has ASD. They impact on our lives, we're not just husband and wife but mummy and daddy too. When it was just the two of us well we simply had more time to spend together. Not so anymore. Eldest requires support to go to sleep, he's not asleep before 10pm so we have no couple time together during typical family hours I am up at 6am every day so late evenings are difficult for me.

In general I find relationships require work don't they? Do you have friends? I assume you make the effort to ring or stay in touch. Why should it be something different for your spouse?

I have to say some of the replies come across as a bit smug.......be thankful your home or working lives are such that they don't have an impact on your relationship. Not everyone has it so easy.

balletshoes

Dunroamin wrote: »

I can't understand how people can say it's hard to find time to spend with each other - unless one person works away or does difficult shifts, I can't see how this situation can come about.

but you see, thats perfectly normal in my marriage. My husband is a chef who works mainly evenings and weekends, I'm an office Monday-Friday 9-5er. This has always been the case, from the time we were getting to know each other. Do our jobs define us or make us discount being together? No, absolutely not. We work around it, always have done.

Do I think marriage is hard work? No, but the practicalities of being married and having a family together can take work to make it the best it can be for everyone involved. Is that something which should always come easily? I don't know, I guess it depends what else is going on around us, influencing our feelings etc.

What I do think is important in marriage is keeping focus on not taking each other for granted, I think thats possibly where a lot of relationships fail, because people feel that they are not appreciated, or not important to their partner.

poet123

My marriage has not been hard work, my husband has on occasion! He would probably say the same about me too. Joking aside, I think the term hard work is another way of saying you have to sometimes remember that every marriage has its ups and downs, peaks and troughs and outside issues that affect a relationship. It can be a balancing act, but if the underlying relationship feels like hard work on a regular basis then I think there are deeper issues going on.

We have been married 31 years and it has never felt that way, but we are our own people. We don't "make" time for each other that implies it is a chore, we spend a lot of time together, and a considerable amount of time apart as my husband travels a lot. During that time he rings at least three times a day and texts frequently, he is never, ever out of touch. However, we both see friends and have our hobbies, but we also often have weekends away and dinner out, we are also good friends which helps, a lot.

FBaby

Some relationships (marriage or not) require little effort, others do. It doesn't mean the first is stronger than the other.

It is all about compromises. If you are trully totally happy in your relationship with all your expectations met without the other having to do anything more than what comes naturally and that goes both ways, then it doesn't need much work on. If however you and your partner have such differences that a happy relationship require a number of compromises, then yes, it can be hard work.

Some relationships start with little effort required because there is little differences, but as time goes, differences do emerge, yet as the couple is not used to having to compromise, the relationship can't cope with it. That's when you see very happy relationships breaking down suddenly after years together.

Other relationships demand so much effort all the time, it is just not sustainable.

However, some relationships that requires quite some work to start with, learning about each other and how to compromise can flourish and become easier as the years go.

FBaby

marisco wrote: »

I dont think marriage should be hard work. If it is then something is amiss.

I do think that the best relationships take effort by both parties though.

Isn't effort same as hard work? That's how I interpreted the meaning of hard work.

FBaby

...and meant to say, my relationship is VERY hard work My partner and I have both very strong personalities and have been happily self-sufficient for a long time. We don't like compromising very much, but we are getting there because we do have so much in common and love each other totally. Yep, it is definitely hard work, but I don't mind it because like any effort, the more you put into it, the more satisfying it gets as you learn more about yourself and each other.

marisco_2

FBaby wrote: »

Isn't effort same as hard work? That's how I interpreted the meaning of hard work.

The way I see it is if a relationship is hard work you find everything difficult and unpleasant. Not something you really want to do or be a part of.

Being willing to put in effort is when the relationship is special to you, a partnership you enjoy being in and wanting to make the best of being together.

lostinrates

poet123 wrote: »

My marriage has not been hard work, my husband has on occasion! .

I would say here its the opposite. My dh is very easy going and puts my needs first almost all the time. Its me sometimes who needs to tell him to put himself and his wants higher on the list, or to watch myself not to let him do everything in the world for me. Tbh, i do find that kind of self control hard. Worthwhile ofcourse, but hard nonetheless.

E.g. Tonight i will collect dh from the station. I do not keep great health and this summer has been hard but i am safe to drive tonight. When i get there he will immeadiately say, 'budge over, birdy, i am driving you home'. Its not far, but he doesn't love driving, and i am the better driver, but he wants to give ME a break. I have today done some tiny housework, some minor shopping (fishmongers) and taken the dogs to the doggy grooming oarlour, where as he has worked a very long day in the office, got the train home, and when we come home he will help me in the kitchen while i cook supper. He would cook if i wanted him to, even though i am not to ill to.

It would be very easy to let him do it all for me, but the harder thing to pull my weight and also, to get him to relax.

FBaby

marisco wrote: »

The way I see it is if a relationship is hard work you find everything difficult and unpleasant. Not something you really want to do or be a part of.

Being willing to put in effort is when the relationship is special to you, a partnership you enjoy being in and wanting to make the best of being together.

It is indeed in the interpretation of the definition. I don't think of hard work as difficult, just work that is hard and demanding effort. However, I see what you mean from the expression 'Gosh, he's hard work isn't he' which usually implies the person being difficult about something.

tescovaluecrisps

My marriage is not hard work as in we have to work hard to stay together, but we have had some bad luck for the past few years and we have had hard times moneywise and we havent been as happy(with our situation not each other), but we have always told each other we love each other and always done what we could for free and had some good times. I think with a marriage you should always be willing to say I'm sorry .