You have to work hard at a marriage?

FBaby

Does arguing constitute hard work? I think it does, but wondering if other can see it as part of a 'normal' marriage and therefore not 'hard work'.

sassyblue

Dunroamin wrote: »

I can't understand how people can say it's hard to find time to spend with each other - unless one person works away or does difficult shifts, I can't see how this situation can come about.

We both work and have a young family so l can understand that situation. Yes, we're in the house together as a family but it's not quality time hubby and l spend together.

Yes, l know you have to make the effort to do so but then it's just another job to be arranged...

poet123

lostinrates wrote: »

I would say here its the opposite. My dh is very easy going and puts my needs first almost all the time. Its me sometimes who needs to tell him to put himself and his wants higher on the list, or to watch myself not to let him do everything in the world for me. Tbh, i do find that kind of self control hard. Worthwhile ofcourse, but hard nonetheless.

E.g. Tonight i will collect dh from the station. I do not keep great health and this summer has been hard but i am safe to drive tonight. When i get there he will immeadiately say, 'budge over, birdy, i am driving you home'. Its not far, but he doesn't love driving, and i am the better driver, but he wants to give ME a break. I have today done some tiny housework, some minor shopping (fishmongers) and taken the dogs to the doggy grooming oarlour, where as he has worked a very long day in the office, got the train home, and when we come home he will help me in the kitchen while i cook supper. He would cook if i wanted him to, even though i am not to ill to.

It would be very easy to let him do it all for me, but the harder thing to pull my weight and also, to get him to relax.

It was a joke, and really referred to his untidiness, whilst he would say I was too tidy. He has always pulled his weight, and in 31 years of marriage (when he is at home) I have never got out of bed without him bringing me a cup of tea!

JodyBPM

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

I am curious as to whether the OP has children.

Yes, I do. A 6 yr old and a 7 year old. As I said in an earlier post, life took quite a lot of working at in the early days, but we supported each other, and never felt like we were working at our relationship. I guess we used to do things sch as "date night", but those were seen as "treats" rather than a chore.

My marriage has certainly been much harder work since having young children, one of whom has ASD. They impact on our lives, we're not just husband and wife but mummy and daddy too. When it was just the two of us well we simply had more time to spend together. Not so anymore. Eldest requires support to go to sleep, he's not asleep before 10pm so we have no couple time together during typical family hours I am up at 6am every day so late evenings are difficult for me.

I think the children bring us together. Not only are we husband and wife we are also lucky enough to share the experience of being mummy and daddy too. Certainly with two children just 14 months apart there has been hard work and challenges, but we've been through it all together. We've grown closer because of the shared experiences and the shared love for our children.

In general I find relationships require work don't they? Do you have friends? I assume you make the effort to ring or stay in touch. Why should it be something different for your spouse?

I don't find my friendships hard work either. I don't find it "work" to ring my friend for a chat or to go out for a meal or a night down the pub etc. If I had a "friendship" that I found to be a chore, I'd drop it.

I have to say some of the replies come across as a bit smug.......be thankful your home or working lives are such that they don't have an impact on your relationship. Not everyone has it so easy.

Sorry if I'm smug. Not intending to be, just confused by the concept of a happy marriage being hard work. I guess it makes me realise that DH and I are lucky in that we have compatible work patterns. I guess I've just taken that for granted.

I also think maybe a lot of this is semantics. To me "hard work" suggests a chore or something that you don't want to do, where as others are just interpreting it as things that need to be done, whether you enjoy them or not...

cottonhead

I agree with the comments that if one or both partners see marriage as 'hard work' there must be something wrong. Hard work of any sort isnt usually enjoyable !
In my opinion the 'hard work' bit refers to the way couples handle set backs. If you can face bad times as a team and come out the other side stronger, if you can accept that everyone has faults and you can forgive and not hold a grudge ( I dont mean violence or cheating by the way - just small things that may irritate you ) and put your partners needs before yourself sometimes. If you can compromise and not feel jealous of each other and are willing to put the effort in to make things better when needed then I would say there is no reason for it not to work. If all of that sounds hard work I would suggest to people not getting married to begin with. I would call marriage a challenge at times. You might have to climb a steep hill sometimes but at the end there is a beautiful view.

If you enter into marriage you need methods to cope with changes so you can still enjoy every stage of married life. . Your wife will get old and wrinkly and your husband might get fat. You might not have as much energy or you might get ill or have less money. If you can still enjoy each other despite this then a marriage will work. A marriage is about true love for that person, not what staus or wealth or looks they have as all of those can be lost.

stiltwalker

I suppose it depends on your definition of work - I've been lucky enough to have a couple of jobs which I have enjoyed so much that I have looked forward to going to work, to the challenges and the rewards of the day ahead (not that they haven't also been hard work and physical hard work at that). I've also had jobs where I have dreaded getting up in the morning and looked forward to Friday evening from about 9.05 Monday morning!!!

My first marriage I would put in the same box as the latter - yes it was blinking hard work and no I didn't get a huge amount out of it, like a bad employer if you will, no rewards, no encouragement and no Christmas bonus!

I am about to get married for the second time to my wonderful OH, we've been together for getting on for 5 years and we have 2 children with disabilities, I am a SAHM partly because of this so finances can be tight. So yes, life is hard work, sometimes we get frustrated and snap at each other, we don't have the couple time we might due to the kids needs, we have limited options for babysitters as it has to be someone the kids know who could cope if there was an issue so we don't go out much. But I definitely put this in the first box - it's hard work but I always look forward to getting up in the morning and it's fun and rewarding and most certainly the best move I ever made.

lostinrates

Yes, i don't necessari
Y think of hard work as not enjoyable. E.g., i used to keep very fit. Working hard was my aim and my enjoyment.

Dh works hard in a high stress environment, he could leave and do something else, but the hard work is also rewarding and reaps rewards.

In fact, a lot of the things we like doing are 'hard work'. With rewards.

Bitsy_Beans

JodyBPM wrote: »

Sorry if I'm smug. Not intending to be, just confused by the concept of a happy marriage being hard work. I guess it makes me realise that DH and I are lucky in that we have compatible work patterns. I guess I've just taken that for granted.

I also think maybe a lot of this is semantics. To me "hard work" suggests a chore or something that you don't want to do, where as others are just interpreting it as things that need to be done, whether you enjoy them or not...

It's wonderful your children bring you together. You're lucky to have neurotypical children. However our sons ASD is a wedge, I love him and in all respects wouldn't have it any other way. But nightly dealing of his anxiety about bedtime, the dark and being alone means one of us has to sit with him every night, every day of the year. I have friends who's kids are in bed by 6.15pm every night and the evening is their own. We don't have that luxury and therefore making time for one another does require a lot of effort.
I perhaps do sound snotty about this issue but I find some of the comments are taking their easy relationship for granted. Just because someone says their marriage takes hard work doesn't mean it's wrong and that yours is better but that their circumstances are different to yours.

I do agree about the semantics, to me gardening is hard work but it's not necessarily a chore like cleaning the loo. It's something that has to be done to keep things ticking over because our circumstances impact so much.

System

Marriage itself isnt hard work its communication, compromise and tolerance that takes the effort.

bylromarha

Through our 13 years of marriage, some months have felt like hard work - trudging through, generally annoying each other over small things, deciding to stick it out when you can't see a way through together, no matter how you view the problem.

Other months have been just perfect.

Other months mundane and normal.

I love him dearly and am happy with both the easy months and the hard months.

I think there are things that are hard work in every marriage - for some, it is keeping the eye that wanders in check, for others it is guarding their temper, for some not nagging, others getting on and doing the chore they said they'd do, for some, not spending the time they want with their mates/hobby loads of things which people find hard to do.

I know where my weakness is and in the early days I had to work really hard to reign it in - it's now under control to the extent I don't see it as hard work anymore to keep it in check, but I still need to keep it close for the sake of our marriage, else our marriage would become hard work for me again.

Hope my post wine ramblings make sense!