You have to work hard at a marriage?

[Deleted User]

no, we have been married for 42 years and it hasn`t been hard work. It is down to trusting each other, giving each other lots of space to pursue our own hobbies, both pulling our weight re work both in and out of the house and having one bank account. We discuss and don`t need to argue. Have brought up 3 children and we enjoy each other`s company. It is nice to have grown older together

Scorpio33

Personally, I think all Marriages need to be worked on, it comes as part of being in a relationship.

I also think that all Marriages have difficult patches, it is how you react to those difficult patches that can define how good / bad a marriage is. For example, if you just ignored an issue hoping it will pass, then the issue may well come up again in the future. Equally, dwelling on every little issue means that you can't enjoy the relationship. You would hope that overall that the good times outweigh the bad times.

For me, it comes down to what most people say on their Wedding day - that is for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health...

ie: accept that there will be good and bad times, and work hard when you need to in order to keep the relationship good.

I would question if a relationship was "good" all the time, as it would seem to me to be more of a friendship than a marraige. Almost as if you were not opening yourself up fully to the other person. Being truely intimate with someone means sharing all of you - the good an bad points, and to me it is impossible to find someone who you agree with and get on with 100% of the time.

I suppose it depends on peoples view of "bad", as there are different levels of "bad"?

VestanPance

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I would question if a relationship was "good" all the time, as it would seem to me to be more of a friendship than a marraige. Almost as if you were not opening yourself up fully to the other person. Being truely intimate with someone means sharing all of you - the good an bad points, and to me it is impossible to find someone who you agree with and get on with 100% of the time.

I suppose it depends on peoples view of "bad", as there are different levels of "bad"?

You certainly don't need to agree on everything, but I'd say you would need to have very similar ideals or views on the major issues.

I think personality type would be a huge factor in relationships. The fiery, hot tempered type would drive me nuts. I'm sure my cold Nordic lets discuss things like adults persona would drive the living hell out of others.

Scorpio33

VestanPance wrote: »

You certainly don't need to agree on everything, but I'd say you would need to have very similar ideals or views on the major issues.

I think personality type would be a huge factor in relationships. The fiery, hot tempered type would drive me nuts. I'm sure my cold Nordic lets discuss things like adults persona would drive the living hell out of others.

I agree there are some things you have to agree on but to me these would be the things that are irreconciable should you disagree.

For example, if you want kids and he doesn't, and both positions won't change, clearly it won't work. That doesn't necessarily mean agreeing on all major issues, only the ones which would be irreconciable should you disagree. You could argue that covers all the major issues, so I guess it comes down to definition more than anything.

Agree with the personality point, but they do say opposites attract...

skattykatty

I cannot imagine marriage not being hard work, mainly because I appreciate how much 'hard work' I am!

Dunroamin

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I would question if a relationship was "good" all the time, as it would seem to me to be more of a friendship than a marraige. Almost as if you were not opening yourself up fully to the other person. Being truely intimate with someone means sharing all of you - the good an bad points, and to me it is impossible to find someone who you agree with and get on with 100% of the time.

I feel that the best marriages are those which are based on friendship. I also don't believe in digging up a relationship to look at the roots to see if it's alive - something that seems to me to be the death of many marriages.

Lexxi

marisco wrote: »

I think it depends on how you argue. If it's all shouting, swearing, ranting, raving and refusing to even consider each others point of view then yes that would be bloody hard work.

If it hadn't have been for the above along with the name calling, mudslinging and general stubborness we probably wouldn't have got all the crap out of the way to get to the root of our issues and I actually hate, shouting, swearing etc :rotfl:

Loulou2010 wrote: »

do i have to work hard at marriage? yes i do.

marriage has taken a lot of work for me and hubby. we've been together for 12 yrs and married for 4 of them but everyday is hard work. does that mean we shouldnt be together? no. does it mean we dont love each other? no. in fact, it is because we love each other we keep going. drifting apart, seperating... would be less hard work but not the right thing.

bit of background. hubby pulled me out of an abusive relationship when i was 18. he was a friend who wasnt going to sit back and watch it happen. i was being abused by my stepfather at the same time. he helped me out of depression and an eating disorder. life got better, stepfather off the scene. we grew closer and life as good. i had my ways which he accepted. i didnt talk about my past. it was like it didnt exsist.

we still had to work at things. i was still weary of men. the physical side of the relationship took a lot of hard work on my behalf, mainly down to the abuse. but things were still good. we set a date for the wedding, i fell pregnant, had our ds and then everything fell apart. PND hit me full force and i decided i couldnt cope anymore and walked out on them. alcohol replaced everything. hubby held things together, never gave up on me. he sought help for me. he ended up fighting his own depression. bringing up a baby when he had never held a baby before wasnt the easiest thing he had done.

eventually i saw the light at the end of the tunnel. i was disagnosed with clinical depression and aspergers. got some help and we have managed to work through things. our ds is now 3 and we are expecting our 2nd in a few weeks. the depression is still there as is the aspergers. they will always be there. hubby has to work hard at times to remember that its the depression talking or that its the aspergers. it takes a lot if hard work for me to communicate with him and not expect him to be a mind reader and know what is wrong.

i'm not the easiest person to live with. i can quite easily drift off in to my own little world. my safe place. but i fight hard against it because i love my hubby and son. it would be wrong to say that we shouldnt be together because it takes a lot of effort. i see it as the fact i step out of my comfort zone and into his, means i love him. isnt that what we do for the people we love?

anyone who glides through life without hitting any bumps in the road, should seriously consider themselves lucky. life is like that for very few. everybody has to work hard at something and for me it is to be with the man and child i love.

Thank you for posting this, my relationship has struggled so much this year, our foundations had been completely rocked and I was honestly starting to think it was really over and your post really resonated with me, I was in tears.
I shut my husband out, I wanted to pretend all was ok with me, that I didn't need help, least of all I didn't want to ask for any and because I was so busy trying to act ok I wasn't even aware of how broken I was, until I walked out too.
Your post gave me a wake up I guess.
In answer to the OP, my view is relationships take work on both sides, if you're gliding down the road with no bumps then the work is going to seem effortless, it is when things aren't right and the bumps are there that you have to consciously keep working, it's when you hit the bumps that cracks appear and if you can't both put in the work to fix the cracks, they get bigger and it gets harder.
We haven't been together for very long, in the grand scheme of things, and we are still adjusting and finding our feet without what we've had thrown at us, but we took our vows and we meant them, we married forever, for love, and that hasn't changed, the world might have turned upside down, but what we feel hasn't, it's just remembering that we are working for the same goal, ultimately.

I wasn't going to add to this thread as this year has been such hard work for us but knowing how bad I've been feeling and I've only gone through a fraction of what you have, I guess I felt that if you can show that much strength and courage then I owed it to my marriage and my husband to make sure that I am putting that 100% in.
I think we've still got such a way to go but your post has given me strength and hope, when I thought that there wasn't any left.

Good luck with your new arrival x