You have to work hard at a marriage?

Callie22

I'm not married, but I am in a long-term relationship. I'm not sure so much if it's marriage (or a relationship) per se that can be hard work, but I think that living with some people can be harder work than living with others ... Also I think it's also about how you perceive the relationship - if one side feels they're having to work 'harder' than the other (be that physically, financially, emotionally whatever) then you get problems. As always, I suppose, it's about communication ... and whether people are willing to listen.

JodyBPM

I think I'm still struggling to understand where the work is in a happy marriage.

Spending time with each other - that's a pleasure, not work surely? Can't see how you can be in a relationship with someone unless you spend time with them anyway?

Communicating with each other - that's kinda normal, everyday life, no? I certainly don't find it "work" to chat to my DH, whether its general chit-chat about the day, more intellectual chat on topical issues or decision making re finances/schools/housing etc. In general again, its a pleasure talking with my DH.

Maybe it is just semantics, but the hardest times of our lives, I've still never found my marriage to be hard work. When things get tough we pull together and its "us against the world", so even when life is hard work, I don't see our marriage as being so - quite the opposite in fact, its my happy place, my support, my true pleasure in times that are otherwise hard.

Triangle

JodyBPM wrote: »

I think I'm still struggling to understand where the work is in a happy marriage.

Spending time with each other - that's a pleasure, not work surely? Can't see how you can be in a relationship with someone unless you spend time with them anyway?

Communicating with each other - that's kinda normal, everyday life, no? I certainly don't find it "work" to chat to my DH, whether its general chit-chat about the day, more intellectual chat on topical issues or decision making re finances/schools/housing etc. In general again, its a pleasure talking with my DH.

Maybe it is just semantics, but the hardest times of our lifes, I've still neve found my marriage to be hard work. When things get tough we pull together and its "us against the world", so even when life is hard work, I don't see our marriage as being so - quite the opposite in fact, its my happy place, my support, my true pleasure in times that are otherwise hard.

I totally understand what you are saying. I've known DH for 12 years, married for 3. There have been difficult situations we have supported each other through - a family member's addiction, a family member's illness etc. We also have a three month old baby - hard work especially those first few very diffcult weeks. But our actual relationship has never seemed like hard work; yes we argue at times, yes we both get irritable but it has never felt like hard work or a chore if that makes sense.

podperson

JodyBPM wrote: »

I think I'm still struggling to understand where the work is in a happy marriage.

Spending time with each other - that's a pleasure, not work surely? Can't see how you can be in a relationship with someone unless you spend time with them anyway?

Yes, the actual spending time with each is great - but it's the getting to that part that can be work. I can often work 12 hour days at the moment so in order to spend some quality time with my OH (rather then a few mins passing in the halls) I may need to reorganise things so I can have a night off and then need to catch up later, or I may feel completely exhausted and debate going to bed, but if OH wants to do something then will try and bring myself round a bit so we can do that. Or I may have had something social planned for one day but then find that OH has work on most of the rest of the week and that's his only day off - so I'll work to rearrange things.

lostinrates

Spending time with each other is a pleasure, but as others have said , there is only so much time available, often with demands and conflicts.

Dh and i have one of the best marriages i have seen. It is hard for some people i think to give up a little putting themselves first to put the relationship first. I will admit i sometimes find that hard, dh doesn't seem to.

One of the ways we got round the issues of time and demands is that we got interested in each others interests.

We do not have any children, but i imagine factoring them into a schedule, even when there is a lopt of love, takes this up a notch further. If someone feels lesser or that their 'interests' are least considered it is easy for resentment to grow.

I think relationships sometimes take hard work. Othertimes, they are easy. If they seem easy all the time it might be worth considering if you are sacrifcing your wn wants easily, or, riding roughshod over those of a partner without meaning to. Other things can cause hardnesses too...ill health, money, external stresses and poorly controlled external stressers.

If its hard more often than its easy then i would suggest something is wrong and needs addressing. If its just ok more than its easy then the same.

sandraroffey

its all down to being with the right person, who wants to be with you, and not having huge expectations. i was married to my husband for 37 years before i finally called it a day. and every day of those 37 years, i was working bloomin' hard to make it all work and hold together.

you all sound like you have wonderful husbands/partners and i know that i should have bailed out years before.

lostinrates

Dunroamin wrote: »

I can't understand how people can say it's hard to find time to spend with each other - unless one person works away or does difficult shifts, I can't see how this situation can come about.

Why could not both people have dificult shifts or demanding, travel including jobs?


That expectation one might nota might be a part of a difficulty for some oupkes, particularlyif both have had long enough to make a name for themselves.

My husband works very long unpreictable ours. Though its otideal, him working away four nights a week has been both difficult or us and beneficial. Oes make o ur weekends some what introspective and socialising suffers, which imo might not be great in the longer term.

CH27

Dunroamin wrote: »

I can't understand how people can say it's hard to find time to spend with each other - unless one person works away or does difficult shifts, I can't see how this situation can come about.

Organising children or looking after elderly relatives can be very time consuming & energy draining.

I think it can be hard work at times to always put someone else's happiness & wants before your own.

Fire_Fox

Most couples intermittently need to work hard at a marriage or go through stages of not being in love/ not being contented. If that wasn't the case the divorce rate would not be so high, I'm not sure the average marriage is that happy long term. Some people grow and change together others change and grow apart if they don't put some effort into togetherness. It's easy to allow your only time spent together to be because you live in the same house not a conscious choice, and easy to allow most of your conversations to revolve around domestic matters.

Bear in mind the potential lifetime of a first marriage these days is sixty or more years, fifteen years is 'only' a quarter of the way in.

marisco_2

I dont think marriage should be hard work. If it is then something is amiss.

I do think that the best relationships take effort by both parties though. Being supportive of one another, loving, caring and thoughtful is important. Each person pulling their weight in regard to childcare and household chores relieves alot of stress and strain. Having an interest in one another but keeping your individuality keeps a marriage fresh and interesting. Communicating well and being willing to listen and compromise aids a healthy relationship.