5 years MFW - Lets get cracking...

HelenDaveKids

So dilemma. (Read -- HDK needs help..)
Was at a small meeting Thursday, felt a colleague who has no experience in my role (has been contracted to set up area similar but smaller than mine, same grade but at the bottom) was a bit patronising and I did bite back as wasn't feeling especially tolerant of being told how to do my job. Recently I have had a few run ins where the person has as far as I'm concerned overstepped the mark (in terms of asking my staff to do things for him without asking me first and clearly theres an etiquette to follow), we are definitely a little tense but its still v professional. anyway when I got home had a lengthy email from him, basically telling me what he thought, was clearly an off the cuff rant, so very choice words like "you need to think before you speak", the sort of email you write, then experience teaches you save in draft till you calm down, overnight if necessary and then rewrite, he missed the calm down bit and sent. So I read it and have thought very carefully about my response (the gloves are off..) with the intention to reply on my next day at work (sunday). Anyway he texted me Friday, asking if I was around, could we meet and talk, I advised not in but what was the problem, he then texted apologising deeply for email, saying he was upset but now he's actually thought about it, blah blah. I have said that's fine, we need to get on and support each other. Anyway this seems childish but I notice he's unfriended me on FB (like I care, as last time I looked I am not some teenager desperate for friends) and clearly he does feel the way he does in the email or he wouldn't have written it in the first place and I admit to having some issues with him where hes really annoyed me but I have tried to take a mental step back. I have had one verbal spat with him before but after we both calmed down, we talked about it and resolved those issues. So what do I do...
a. Let it wash over me, play it cool and professional
b. Respond to email anyway (as had planned pre text) addressing each one of his points (worded brilliantly Thursday night in bed)
c. Face to face have it out (also worded brilliantly Friday night in bed)
d. ....

My gut feeling is, we can't go back from this, I don't like him and he doesn't like me however a professional interface is the best its going to get. Not quite sure which tact to take on Monday as I will have to work with him, as a fellow manager.


Is it worth adding, that my other colleague is having the same issues but doesn't feel confident to challenge whereas I struggle not too.
Can't say have ever had this scenario before.. He has been the the topic of many bath time rants (me and DH always have a bath together at night and tend to download). Also discussed with at length with ex JS who tends to be more balanced then me, her take is that he has had a rough time in terms of changes to his role, but agrees he's a Pratt.

gallygirl

HelenDaveKids wrote: »

So dilemma. (Read -- HDK needs help..)

Phew. This is one for Tilly. I'm just grateful you're not choosing cushions :rotfl:.

Seriously, I'd be inclined to send a brief email, setting out my responses, and arrange a meeting to discuss. And probably have it as a semi-formal discussion - not taking notes but with a list of points you want to discuss (along with your bestest answers obviously ).

HelenDaveKids

Thanks GG, feel a bit grrrr about the email and just a teeny bit upset (nobody likes to be clearly disliked) as I have stopped myself on numerous occasions from reacting and tried to be actively supportive which has taken real effort.
This guy has got a new area opening in a week and still hasn't provided his staff (some of which are working temporarily in my area) with an off duty despite me telling him that they are asking me daily for it, which in fairness they should have had weeks ago... yet he has time to send me a clearly time consuming email about my faults... (I have oodles so I can see that it would)

Im sooo cross but need to stop and consider his POV, think your right, definitely ...

Think I have yet another night of thinking ahead.. jeez so tired some days, could easily have a "nap" at any given moment,

PS Am brilliant with cushions (ask Dave....!!) its everything else I need help with. similarity is brilliant choosing shoes, its clothes I have trouble with

Another quickie... could even be one of those great debates... have several staff from now permanent ward FB wanting to be my friend. Have accepted (I am very careful about what I post), have not actively sought "friends" despite "mutual friends" are these your friends suggestions as think, not sure everyone wants their boss as friend on FB (mine is but that's my choice and I have a good relationship) so whats the etiquette?

edinburgher

Your colleague does sound like a bit of a prat.

The fact that he 'unfriended' you on Facebook makes the rest of it irrelevant in my not so humble opinion. That's proper temper tantrum territory and should not be rewarded. I see no problem with being friends with colleagues on FB, but I wouldn't want to be friends with my boss in that fashion. Former bosses, absolutely, but not the current one.

I think GG's idea of a semi-formal meeting with notes etc. is a fabby one. If nothing else, it might help him to re-write emails in future.

I have an even less delicate way of processing these sorts of emails. I write them, I delete them. Bitter experience has taught me that it's the only way to go

HelenDaveKids

thanks ed, like I say Im not short of friends but being unfriended just seems well odd and very childish. Have never experienced this behaviour before. Will address tomorrow... watch this space.. The more I think about it, I actually have started getting cross again.

I agree about experience, it has taught me too, its so easy to click send and unfortunately theres no undo.

Watty1

No words of advice that would add to the sensible suggestions already received but didnt want to read and run. Hope all works out in the end.

HelenDaveKids

Only saw him for 5 minutes and was very cool and professional, gave the advice required about his new staff member, no more no less.

I talked to my other manager colleague and he had emailed some none complimentary feedback from her staff member straight to our boss (without speaking to her), so she equally grrrr'' ing. I can only think of one reason why and fortunately it appears that our boss is of the same opinion. He needs to watch himself... We did have a giggle about me being unfriended, she is particularly gutted as he hadn't friended her in the 1st place.

All his emails today have been "hi girls" (i mean .. really... ) my way of dealing has been the delete button.

nattypants

....nattypants gatecrashes in (checks skirt isn't tucked into her pants ...or indeed that she has remembered to wear pants in the first place).

Take the moral high ground HDK, and failing that - spit in your hand just prior to shaking his hand in a sneaky 'let bygones be bygones' kinda way.

Whoooooshhhhh.......

HelenDaveKids

surprised your not out in your PJ's....
Great to have you back NP, have missed you. xxx

Oh pretty boy will get his cumuppence (is that a real word)... more than one way to skin a rabbit.

wantabetterlife

Good grief I go away for a few days and miss all the drama :rotfl::rotfl:. He sounds like a bit of a plonker I have to say. Like you I work in the NHS and there are quite a few jobsworths about. He sounds like one to watch and he obviously panicked after he sent the email. I would word my reply carefully as its not something that can be taken back, I would be very tempted to have a discussion with him about it, just make sure you will be able to remain calm enough and not let him get the better of you.
That is actually funny that he unfriended you on facebook.bet he regrets that too as he is bound to realise that you will notice...my boss isn't on facebook thank goodness as that is an akward one.