delicate subject - abortion

newcook

taxi36 wrote: »

I understand that you are only trying to help but do you not think you would be best telling her Daddy? Or even trying to encourage her to tell him herself? Ok she is 18 but I still think she needs to tell him before she does this.

I have told her a few times she should tell her dad but she is adamant that she doesnt want him to know as he will try and talk her into keeping it.

she came to me with this as she knows I wont tell anyone if she doesnt want me to (my friends tell me its one of the reasons Im such a good mate as I can keep secrets!)

peachyprice

taxi36 wrote: »

Ok she is 18 but I still think she needs to tell him before she does this.

Why on earth does she need to tell him?

She's 18, a adult, it's nothing to do with her 'Daddy' what she does with her body, she's old enough to make her own decisions without the emotional baggage telling him will entail.

Shocking thought that a woman should 'need' to tell her father if she doesn't want to.

newcook

many thanks to those who have given their experiences. Im going to bow out of this thread now as I know its a very taboo topic but those who have shared have helped.

j.e.j.

I just want to add, make sure she has some emotional support if she does go thru with the abortion. At 18 she's seeing it from a young person's perspective, but it's possible that later on there might be some issues. Hopefully there won't be, but I'm just saying, just in case.

somethingcorporate

Has no-one considered the father of the baby? It's a massive decision that should not just be about the girl in question.

OP, do you have any independent midwives near you? (you probably do but may not know about it, google them). They may be a good source of information to bounce off and probably won't charge for just a quick chat. We've used them for both of our pregnancies and they are all about the best care and information provision for the client and not just focussed on the medical stuff like the NHS are.

taxi36

peachyprice wrote: »

Why on earth does she need to tell him?

She's 18, a adult, it's nothing to do with her 'Daddy' what she does with her body, she's old enough to make her own decisions without the emotional baggage telling him will entail.

Shocking thought that a woman should 'need' to tell her father if she doesn't want to.

Yes she may well be 18 but if she can confide in someone else but cant talk to her own Dad then thats the point I was making!


If you were a father and found out that your 18 year old had went to someone else to discuss something as life changing as a termination would you be happy? I know I personally wouldnt.

Maybe its fear of what her Dad will say about the pregnancy which is making her want the termination to begin with and from personal experience after talking with her Dad the option of keeping the baby may seem a better idea than the termination.

Seanymph

taxi makes a good point.

The NHS hospital will offer non-directional counselling (not something offered by the businesses that perform the procedures I believe).

They will tell your friend that she has to make her own decision, without reference to anyone else's opinion. That if she does that, she will live with whatever decision she takes, and that if she is pressured into a decision she is not happy with, then that is when people struggle afterwards.

I too would encourage this adult to confide in her sexual partner, and her father. I understand not breaking her confidence, but obviously she isn't that independent, because she brought it to you - if she is avoiding discussing it with people who are close to her then she may not be making an informed, balanced decision - but one driven by imaginings and fear. She may have options that currently she doesn't feel confident in.

I don't think it is her fathers decision of course - or her sexual partner - but her father will be an ongoing presence in her life, she has a right to that support. And whilst the law in our country says that the father has no rights at all sharing it with him shares the load.

It's admirable that you are there for her - but posting on here proves how out of your depth you feel, obviously you are anxious and looking for more information - I think you shouldn't take this on by yourself, but encourage your young friend to share her information and obtain support from others as well.

Fire_Fox

taxi36 wrote: »

Yes she may well be 18 but if she can confide in someone else but cant talk to her own Dad then thats the point I was making!

If you were a father and found out that your 18 year old had went to someone else to discuss something as life changing as a termination would you be happy? I know I personally wouldnt.

Maybe its fear of what her Dad will say about the pregnancy which is making her want the termination to begin with and from personal experience after talking with her Dad the option of keeping the baby may seem a better idea than the termination.

At what age do you think an adult is old enough not to 'need' to tell their parents? Teenage and adult children do many things you wouldn't be happy with as parents if you knew, it's part of letting go and letting your children make their own choices in life.

Loads of fathers are supportive, loads more are overbearing, some would be baying for the young man's blood, some would be deeply disappointed, some would disown their daughter. It's not necessarily that she cannot confide in her father, it may be she does not wish to.

Having a baby in your teens (particularly outside a stable relationship) is often not such a good idea; there are many studies showing the negative impacts on both mother and child socially, economically and so on. Note that I said often not always/ never.

heretolearn_2

"The NHS hospital will offer non-directional counselling (not something offered by the businesses that perform the procedures I believe)."

Absolutely not true. The clinics for a start are not businesses, they are charities, and they all offer completely non-directional counselling. They make no attempt to convince you to have an abortion, which is what you are implying. They are perfectly ok with you deciding not to have an abortion, and also point you in the right direction if you want advice on other options such as adoption.

peachyprice

taxi36 wrote: »

If you were a father and found out that your 18 year old had went to someone else to discuss something as life changing as a termination would you be happy? I know I personally wouldnt.

I am a mother, I would be dissapointed in myself for failing as a parent if any of my children felt they couldn't come to me if they'd chosen a termination for fear of me making them change their mind. If I were the sort of parent that would do so then I would deserve to not be told. Thankfully I am not.

As parents it's not our job to try to influcence our children to make decisions based on our own wants, desires or romantic notions of being grandparents, it's our job to supply them with unconditional love and facts and support them with the decison they make without any fear of recrimination, no matter what we would want or do.

newcook wrote: »

I have told her a few times she should tell her dad but she is adamant that she doesnt want him to know as he will try and talk her into keeping it.

The girl doesn't want to tell her dad because he will try make her change her mind, that is not supporting her, that is influencing her.