Punishment suggestion?

meritaten

I am sorry - I missed a page and just gone back over the whole thread.
however - the stepson does sound to me like he has mental health issues - just because he is sixteen it doesnt mean they shouldnt be pursued.c

mrs_sparrow

I'd suggest counselling, maybe it's to do with his mum dying and there being some underlying issues there. The counsellor will find out.

At the age of 16 it will be quite hard to get him into CAMHS so counselling might be a better option to find out why he is stealing and why he has not respect for other peoples things. Has this ever been suggested? It will also be a damn sight quicker - we have been waiting for 4 years to hear from CAMHS after 4 referrals - I;ve given up on ever hearing from them anyway.

On another note. If you cannot put a lock on the door, what about an ottoman with a lock on it so you can put your stuff in there? It's harsh but if nothing expensive is in the way it cannot be taken.

I don't think the daughter is an issue either, this family have clearly grown up with a lot of issues surrounding drugs and the mother knows what to look for as she has said. When I was 18-25 I had loads of friends that took drugs, had loads of friends that were stoners but I actually never tried or took anything myself at all. It's not so hard to believe that the daughter is not taking drugs just because her friends are. Not everyone is a sheep.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

same here had friends that sat around all day smoking wee'd, taking ecstacy when out on friday nights, i didnt touch anything not even smoked a ciggy, i was the one who who looked out for them when in stupid high states (much to my ecncouragement of not to take anything) i even carried 2 of them home on a friday night then walked home myself on my own, i never drunk drove, i would drop mates off at pub and go take the car home, or leave it outside my friends house.

i always got tarnished with the same brush that i was a "smack head" "druggy" "alco" it didnt bother me as i knew the truth, my friends new the truth, and what everyone else thought was irrelevant to me. i got to learn more about drugs hanging around with people that took and smoked them than i did in school, and new it wasnt my cup of tea to chew my gums pull wierd faces and be almost legless before even taking a sip of a pint.

its easy to jump to conclusions,

conradmum

Seanymph wrote: »

He has historically stolen money - been caught three times, maybe more.

He has stolen tobacco from my daughters handbag (it wasn't hers) - and has now stolen a leaf cutter (for drug use) from a drawer in her room (also not hers).

However, he must be going through her drawers and bag to find these things - he is then selective and only stealing stuff he wants.

During the stealing stages (lots of school/parent support involvement) he was clear in saying 'if someone had something he wanted he would take it from them, no matter who it was'. That was several years ago.

It is possible that he took the cutter from her room (also possible he didnt') - however I am at a loss now as to what to do if it turns out he did.

When confronted (he was caught with it) - he said it was 'a friends' who had 'given it to him to look after'.

I told my daughter about it today - and she said 'if it was yellow he's stolen it from my room'. I don't know the colour (OH found it and currently he's out) - but he has stolen from her, and me, before - so it's likely that it wasn't a friends, but that he has, again, gone through her drawers, found something he wanted, and taken it.

Replying to this but I have read the rest of the thread.

It seems the money-stealing was several years ago, in which case it should be forgiven and forgotten. There's nothing worse than continuing to punish children for things they did when they were younger.

One possible solution to the other problems is that your daughter makes a better choice of friends. If your stepson is 'only stealing stuff he wants', which seems to me to be perfectly logical, as who would steal stuff they didn't want? then one answer is not to put temptation in his way.

Either that or locks on the other children's doors.

NewKittenHelp

atrixblue.-MFR-. wrote: »

same here had friends that sat around all day smoking wee'd, taking ecstacy when out on friday nights, i didnt touch anything not even smoked a ciggy, i was the one who who looked out for them when in stupid high states (much to my ecncouragement of not to take anything) i even carried 2 of them home on a friday night then walked home myself on my own, i never drunk drove, i would drop mates off at pub and go take the car home, or leave it outside my friends house.

i always got tarnished with the same brush that i was a "smack head" "druggy" "alco" it didnt bother me as i knew the truth, my friends new the truth, and what everyone else thought was irrelevant to me. i got to learn more about drugs hanging around with people that took and smoked them than i did in school, and new it wasnt my cup of tea to chew my gums pull wierd faces and be almost legless before even taking a sip of a pint.

its easy to jump to conclusions,

Didn't this bother your parents? Didn't it bother you? Hopefully you'e managed to grow out of a destructive pattern of behaviour which was obviously put into you by your parents.:)

OP - locks are definitely the way to go. Your other children shouldn't feel as if they can't have anything without it being at risk from this thief.

NewKittenHelp

conradmum wrote: »

Replying to this but I have read the rest of the thread.

It seems the money-stealing was several years ago, in which case it should be forgiven and forgotten. There's nothing worse than continuing to punish children for things they did when they were younger.

One possible solution to the other problems is that your daughter makes a better choice of friends. If your stepson is 'only stealing stuff he wants', which seems to me to be perfectly logical, as who would steal stuff they didn't want? then one answer is not to put temptation in his way.

Either that or locks on the other children's doors.

I don't think you should ever forget that you live with an unrepentant thief! And I don't think other people should suffer so as not to put temptation in a thief's way.

Acc72

Ok, to sum up :

Your daughter has tobacco - although this is not hers.

Your daughter has drug equipment - although this is not hers.

Your daughters friends smoke drugs in your house - this is ok.

Something goes missing and you immediately believe that your step-son has stolen the item and the whole world caves in and you immediately want to "punish" him without first giving him the opportunity to explain (as you presumably did with your daughter)?

Although you may have not actually accused him, the fact that you posted this thread entitled "punishment suggestion" without actually knowing the facts shows your feelings, and I am sure that your step son is aware of your feelings.

Your step son is a young lad - when he stole previously he was in his early teens, was this around the time of his mothers death or when he moved into your house ?

He may still be grieving and does not feel "at home" in your house with your family, and that he is treated differently.

Rather than jumping to conclusions, why don't you and his dad actually talk to the lad ?

Seanymph

Acc72 I think that perhaps I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions - I put that, on three seperate posts, earlier on. I also put that I obviously hadn't moved on from the pain of the thefts as well as I thought I had.

However you obviously haven't read clearly. No one smokes in my house, drugs or otherwise. He had been given the chance to explain to my OH already. It wasn't 'something' going missing and he got accused - it was something found on him THEN someone else said they had that missing. That was the point.

We never accuse without proof - that is why he's only been caught stealing money on four occasions but we are fairly sure has stolen on many more.

No, his stealing wasn't around the time of his mothers death, nor of his moving in with us.

We have, of course, spoken with him.

I may have some more work to do over his previous thefts, obviously I am still angrier than I knew - and I'm happy to do that - but unfortunately in life if you destroy trust, steal from family members, behave unrepentantly and don't make it up when you are found with items that have gone missing from elsewhere people will suspect you - that's reality.

Of course he can't un steal stuff now - but nor is it totally unreasonable to consider he may still be light fingered.

In answer to other posters he has never been assessed for anti social behaviour - I talked to school about it, I have discussed it with professionals - the problem is many indicators are also just stroppy teenage boy behaviour and it's hard to know where that line is drawn. His behaviour isn't consistent - we would go months and months between catching him stealing, and assume he had 'grown out of it' and wouldn't do it again, then we would catch him again.

It's that not giving a jot - it could be teenage uncaringness - or he could have something not computing right - but his father thinks he's 'just useless' and isn't minded to pursue it, so I can't really, and I wouldn't know where to start.

His grandmother tells me that as a small child he was 'wicked' to animals, but won't tell me what went on....... and unfortunately his mother, who would be able to give me more information on his childhood is no longer with us.

However you will have to believe me that he is not some hard done by, not included in the family, neglected outcast child. He is the youngest of five, is considered indulged and spoilt beyond any of his siblings, and we communicate with him just fine. It's getting him to communicate back that is the challenge.

So I take on board fully, yes, I obviously have unresolved anger. Not totally unreasonably, but I'm not as over the previous thefts as I thought I was.

I am also at my wits end - yes I came on looking to talk about it, calm down, and be given another perspective, and maybe a tool to deal with the behaviour I hadn't thought of - because we have done school involvement, counsellor intervention, the threat of police, withdrawal of privileges, repayment of what's been stolen, reasoning, long family conversations about trust...... believe me I have done just about anything I can think of.

So, I logged on for perhaps some bright ideas IF it turned out he'd been, once again, through is siblings private belongings and taken something else that didn't belong to him. Because he is one of 5 - he isn't an only child, we have other children who are forced to live in a house with him and KNOW he's been through their stuff, and KNOW he's taken their money, that they've worked for.

It's hard.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

Didn't this bother your parents? Didn't it bother you? Hopefully you'e managed to grow out of a destructive pattern of behaviour which was obviously put into you by your parents.:)

OP - locks are definitely the way to go. Your other children shouldn't feel as if they can't have anything without it being at risk from this thief.

my parents trust me, i was in no way destructive in my behaviour how youve drawn to that conclusion i would like to know!? perfect example of tarnidsh with same brush, yes it did bother me my friends took things on a friday night that could kill them, they werent dependant on pills, they saw it it as a recriational thing i didnt it didnt interest me so i watched out for them all.

conradmum

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

I don't think you should ever forget that you live with an unrepentant thief! And I don't think other people should suffer so as not to put temptation in a thief's way.

If I lived with someone who was in the habit of going through my stuff I'd put a lock on my door. That's common sense, not suffering.

The boy's habit of stealing money seems to be in the past now. His other habit of going through his sibling's things seems, from what I read, very common behaviour in adolescents. Not good behaviour, but not unusual.

As the OP hasn't told us much more I'm assuming he isn't hitting anyone, starting massive rows, staying out all night, coming home drunk, dealing drugs, or any of the other much worse but also not that uncommon behaviours that teenagers sometimes indulge in.

I think if he has stolen the items, and it seems as though there's now a question mark over one of them, then it's better to deal with the behaviour on a case by case basis, rather than categorising the boy as an unrepentant thief.

Teenagers go through several years of very strange behaviour and usually come out the other side completely normal adults. This boy's mother died and from the sound of it lives in a house where he's the black sheep (sorry, OP, I know you disagree and think that the opposite is true, but that is how your posts come across, especially the last one where you say his own father has dismissed him as useless). One good way to turn him into a dysfunctional adult would be confirm to him that his errant ways are concrete character traits.