Punishment suggestion?

Seanymph

I didn't see either cutter - DD says yellow opaque, OH says orange, block colour.

When did he last steal? He was last caught about six months or so ago. It extended over a period of some three years - and despite many suspicions was only actually 'caught red handed' on around four occasions.

I think perhaps the fact that I was so quick to assume is an indicator that I haven't got over it that well, and still have strong feelings around it.

I find it hard to believe that they aren't the same item on this occasion, but can't bang that particular drum because I can't prove it.

My daughter however feels terribly violated because she remains convinced he must have had the one from her drawer - how else would it have gone missing? - I'm inclined to believe her.

And so my negative feelings towards this aspect of his behaviour drag on. I rather wish I could draw a line under his previous behaviour and no longer carry the hurt (and therefore be slower to jump to assumptions) - I'm not sure how you do that though.

But you use exactly the right phrase - it's his sense of 'entitlement' that I can't seem to shake.

If one of his friends stays over and leaves an item of clothing here SS just wears it - he has no sense of 'that belongs to someone else' - he's even been known to wear things belonging to DD's friends when they have been left at the house, he doesn't return people's belongings, and he takes what he wants - be that money from my purse or something from DD's room.

We have worked with the family support worker from school (who have been involved) - but still he has the same attitude.

I just can't seem to get around it - I keep hoping that he'll grow out of it (he is only 16 after all) - and hadn't caught him stealing in a while - but this does have the feel of something he is likely to have done.

Pennywise2012

Hmmm, there's a lot to think about with this thread!

As far as OP's daughter goes, I too thought "she's pulling the wool over her eyes" at first, but then after OPs second post about that, I get the impression that the daughter is quite open, and the mum is quite open-minded. So I'm not convinced there's a massive issue there.

The issue with the stepson seems to be that, even if he didn't steal this one specific thing, nobody in the family trusts him not to steal from them. It sounds like he's earned that lack of trust.

Yes, he might have issues around being a stepchild - as a stepchild myself, I know it's pretty difficult not to resent the 'new family' that your parent have chosen to up sticks and leave with, however, it doesn't give you the right to steal from them!

Does he live with you full-time? The impression I'm getting is no. If that's the case, then at 16 he's old enough to hear, "You've robbed us blind before, so we don't trust you enough to come and go in this house as you please. You can visit, but you don't roam about, and you stay out of people's bedrooms".

I know it sounds harsh, but he needs to learn fast the consequences of stealing, before he's too far down the criminal path.

If he does live with you full time, then it's more difficult. In all honesty, I don't really know what to do for the best in that situation.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Yup. Most users of most substances feel violated when somebody exposes them.

Amazing. The kid may well be a little !!!!, but he sees his stepsister with gear and paraphernalia get away with 'I'm just looking after it for somebody'?



I'd be suspicious of the pair of them.

aliasojo

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Yup. Most users of most substances feel violated when somebody exposes them.

Amazing. The kid may well be a little !!!!, but he sees his stepsister with gear and paraphernalia get away with 'I'm just looking after it for somebody'?



I'd be suspicious of the pair of them.

I'm really surprised at your responses here JoJo. If he's stealing then that's the end of the line. It's a standalone issue.

Stealing can't ever be excused with a 'well she's getting away with *whatever* line.

You seem to want to lessen his issues by bringing in someone else's.

Brighton_belle

Pennywise2012 wrote: »

Yes, he might have issues around being a stepchild - as a stepchild myself, I know it's pretty difficult not to resent the 'new family' that your parent have chosen to up sticks and leave with, however, it doesn't give you the right to steal from them!

I have a feeling in this case, no body upped sticks with anyone.

Seanymph - I am curious to know how he views his own possessions - is he equally casually about sharing them, or losing his own stuff, however valuable, and not caring?

BitterAndTwisted

I don't blame Seanymph for jumping to conclusions: past experience has taught her that the SS is untrustworthy and completely unrepentant about it, too. That level of betrayal and disrespect can take a very long time indeed to be got over. If ever. I'd have put padlocks on every door and never allow him to be at home on his own either

barbarawright

Does stepson have a regular source of income? When I was 13-14 I used to steal from other family members (who I'm sure knew about it but like most thieves it didn't occurred to me stuff would be missed). It was wrong and I knew it but had I had regular pocket money I suspect I wouldn't have done it. My siblings were all much older and had jobs and somehow pocket money had dropped out of the equation. I was never challenged and it stopped when I got a saturday job and actually had money of my own.

Not saying that this is the reason here but criminalising teenagers isn't always the answer. I'm suprised if I was the only person on this thread who had done that sort of thing - I've certainly got friends who now admit to shoplifting that, had they been caught, would have given them a criminal record but which they did grow out of. And yes, I know that this won't necessarily a popular view.

And yes, I too wonder if stepson resents that his stepsister is being believed when he isn't. She is covering up for criminal activities even if she isn't actually taking drugs herself.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

aliasojo wrote: »

I'm really surprised at your responses here JoJo. If he's stealing then that's the end of the line. It's a standalone issue.

Stealing can't ever be excused with a 'well she's getting away with *whatever* line.

You seem to want to lessen his issues by bringing in someone else's.

No, I'm not, I am thinking that focusing on one issue/one person's shortcomings to the exclusion of all others is unhelpful, however.

Particularly when there are drugs involved - which makes anyone more likely to become lightfingered and very ready to accuse any and everyone else.


Anybody labelled the black sheep of the family is a) quite likely to think sod it, why bother not taking something as they'll only ever blame me and b) is likely to be on the receiving end of Master Perfect's machinations.

I've seen it in families. One can do one thing, relatively small and they get a major battering, whereas the golden child does all that and more, but gets away with it because they 'wouldn't do that, it's not like them'.

Seanymph

My daughter is tremendously open, and as parents we are as open as we can be. Again, she does not smoke, she does not take drugs - her father is an addict, she has been exposed to too much not to hate it - her removing the cutter from the living room and keeping it for her friend so I never found it is because she is aware an issue between her father and I was that he would leave his makings all over the house before passing out and our small children would get up and find it.

She knew it would push my buttons if I walked into my living room and found it, so she hid it from me with the intent of returning it to her friend - she went to return it and it had gone missing. This is not my issue. I have no concerns over her drug taking, I have been around it enough and lived with it long enough that I know all the signs - SS was showing signs, she is not. It was BECAUSE SS was showing signs and keeping company that I voiced suspicions to OH and he searched SS's things - finding the one we found.

My issue is my step son.

He lives with us full time - his mother died - he has lived with us for coming on six years.

barbara he works - full time pretty much during the holiday - but when he stole the money he didn't, so he took what he didn't have. I don't think he's been stealing money since he has had his job. But then, he took an awful lot that he never got caught for because as parents we do not accuse unless we can prove. That makes it harder.

But locking doors isn't an option - him not being alone in the house isn't a option, I work as do both other daughters so he's often alone. He's part of the family, I don't want to do anything that 'alienates' him or 'seperates' him. But today has shown me that the lack of trust still carries on, despite it not occurring openly for around 6 months or so, I'm still very raw from his previous stealing.

Perhaps the suspicions will never go away? I hope they do.

globetraveller

You missed out a very important word in your first post-
other.