Punishment suggestion?

Seanymph

ah - how is he with his own possessions?

He has very few things, he 'blows' all his money and seems to have nothing to show for it - McDonalds, sweet wrappers, etc... He buys a few items of clothing, but named - he uses his brothers fishing stuff.

He doesn't share - I don't know if that fits in somehow - but he will return from work with a chocolate bar for everyone in the house - however if he had one he wouldn't offer a piece.

It's a silly example, I can't think of a better one.

There are no things of his that anyone would want to use I don't think - he is the only boy, his hobbies aren't anyone else's hobbies - and generally everyone else is respectful of his stuff, so it isn't something he faces.

As for 'golden child' - he has four siblings/steps - they will ALL tell you as the youngest HE is the 'golden child' in the family. He has done things the others wouldn't dream of (stealing money from me for example!) - and they feel they get greater repercussions for smaller infractions........ there would be a family riot if the idea was mooted that he was hard done by in comparison to his siblings and someone else got away with more than he did!

barbarawright

Thank you for the explanation of Stepson working. It's more complex when it's not about money. But, although you've asked about the stealing, I do think Stepson will be wondering why convering up for drug use (which he must know you disapprove of) is being brushed aside. OK, maybe it's not but it does seem less of a concern.

What does Stepson say about the stealing? Denial? Excuses?

Fire_Fox

Seanymph wrote: »

But you use exactly the right phrase - it's his sense of 'entitlement' that I can't seem to shake.

If one of his friends stays over and leaves an item of clothing here SS just wears it - he has no sense of 'that belongs to someone else' - he's even been known to wear things belonging to DD's friends when they have been left at the house, he doesn't return people's belongings, and he takes what he wants - be that money from my purse or something from DD's room.

We have worked with the family support worker from school (who have been involved) - but still he has the same attitude.

I just can't seem to get around it - I keep hoping that he'll grow out of it (he is only 16 after all) - and hadn't caught him stealing in a while - but this does have the feel of something he is likely to have done.

Has he had a full mental health assessment? I'd be concerned about a personality disorder, they are not as rare as you might imagine.

Brighton_belle

I can't see this huge 'covering up' for drug use issue. There have been two incidents - one, several yrs ago some tobacco got stored by friend without a bag. And recently, the cutter, which has a completely logical explanation. OP is very experineced in living with drug abusers.There isn't a cover up.

Seanymph

When he's caught he denies, lies and covers until it's obvious he's red handed, then he cries. He doesn't apologise and isn't repentant.

Usually he then spends several days offering to make me tea and keeping a low profile.

He has never been assessed. His sister was (who demonstrated some of the same behavioural stuff on a lower key) - CAMHS felt she may be Aspergic and offered her ongoing counselling, however she refused to speak with them, was at the end of her schoolastic career, and so no further help was forthcoming.

He hasn't been assessed - the family support worker from school talked to him about joining the army and bought him a cookery book when he came to work with us as a family about the earlier thefts.

He wont' feel resentful about our not being concerned over the drug stuff, he knows my daughter doesn't use either - so he has nothing to feel hard done by over.

He also, out of interest, doesn't know she's admitted it was in her room - why would he? She has admitted it, openly, today - because she's learnt he had one yesterday and she had one that went missing a few weeks ago. She didn't mention it had gone missing, she didn't accuse him, and he doesn't know that she is aware he was caught with one yesterday, or that she then admitted she'd had one go missing in her room.

So actually - he's got nothing to be jealous of has he?

When he was caught with tobacco he admitted he'd stolen it from her room - she hadn't pointed the finger or 'got away with having it' - she hadn't grassed him up, or been suspicious - in fact she'd assumed her friend had taken it OUT of the bag on the coach on the way back to college. Turns out her friend hadn't, and SS had found it and taken it.

So he has nothing to feel hard done by about. He doesn't see her getting away with anything. Unless he DID take it - but even then all he has is that she wasn't caught in possession and he was.

He doesn't see anyone using and being forgiven within the family. He sees other teens visiting who I know take drugs - and we talk as a family about drugs quite openly - but there is nothing for him to be jealous of, or feel hard done by about in relation to his step sister.

FatVonD

I don't think it would be unreasonable for your daughter to be allowed a lock on her door, how old is she? We have had issues where money has gone missing when somebody stayed in my DS's room and I make sure none is left around any more, and I'm fanatical about counting what he does have so I know just how hard it is to trust again

I do think though that it's unlikely that the only two times your daughter has had this kind of stuff on her is when it's come to light because it's been stolen.

thehappybutterfly

How about a bit of tit for tat in this case? You've tried everything else by the sounds of things. Your SS seems to think everything is fair game - if it's not nailed down, he can take it. Fine - then it works both ways. Go in his room and help yourself - you and your other kids. Take everything of his and see how he likes it.........

meritaten

Seanymph wrote: »

He has historically stolen money - been caught three times, maybe more.

He has stolen tobacco from my daughters handbag (it wasn't hers) - and has now stolen a leaf cutter (for drug use) from a drawer in her room (also not hers).

However, he must be going through her drawers and bag to find these things - he is then selective and only stealing stuff he wants.

During the stealing stages (lots of school/parent support involvement) he was clear in saying 'if someone had something he wanted he would take it from them, no matter who it was'. That was several years ago.

It is possible that he took the cutter from her room (also possible he didnt') - however I am at a loss now as to what to do if it turns out he did.

When confronted (he was caught with it) - he said it was 'a friends' who had 'given it to him to look after'.

I told my daughter about it today - and she said 'if it was yellow he's stolen it from my room'. I don't know the colour (OH found it and currently he's out) - but he has stolen from her, and me, before - so it's likely that it wasn't a friends, but that he has, again, gone through her drawers, found something he wanted, and taken it.

excuse me seanymph - but why would your daughter have tobacco and drug paranaphalia in her room? and why are you not concerned about this? is stepson 'stealing' these items to make you aware of what your DD is up to?

Brighton_belle

meritaten wrote: »

excuse me seanymph - but why would your daughter have tobacco and drug paranaphalia in her room? and why are you not concerned about this? is stepson 'stealing' these items to make you aware of what your DD is up to?

This has been gone into at great length in the rest of the thread. A comprehensive answer has been supplied.

meritaten

seanymph - you say your DD hates drugs etc - so why would she be hiding a 'friends' drug paraphanalia in her room? something here is NOT adding up! I am not having a go - I am genuinely concerned that your DD is hiding things from you. and not for the reason she is telling you.
I pulled the wool over mum and dads eyes many a time with 'oh, thats not mine its 'so and so's'.

Stepson sounds like a real handful - has he ever been assessed for an ASD?